it's been a long time, i shouldn't have left you. .

w/ out some new Gwen to read (:

theREALese.blogspot.com

Happy One Year Anniversary!!

one year today i made my first blog entry :)

and one year today i am making my last.

gwen.

I Miss When Life Was Easy..

most would say life was never easy for them and go on this long rampage about why they've had a more screwed up life than you. *still trying to figure out why that would even be a topic of discussion.* but there are also those people who don't take it out on the world and remain holding on knowing it's just part of life and growing up. knowing falling is not a option..

I have yet to free fall but I will say this:

life was definitely better when I was younger.

people today are quick to say if I had more money this and this but lets be real. we all know mo' money mo' problems. I say life was better when younger because I always had the time, I always had the energy, I always had the desire, friends were plentiful, laughs were generous, and the closest people around you remained the closest people. your job was to brighten others day, no mistakes were uncorrectable, and second chances felt like second chances. Love... well love was just love then.

[*insert good closing line here*]

gwen.

This Should Help .

I downloaded a new notepad app. #TeamAndroid

My phone is always in my hand so why not what I need to write my usual posts as well.

*fingers crossed*


gwen.

I don't Expect You To Understand Why.

I stopped blogging because... the originality in blogging is dying.

I stopped blogging because... when I received comments it was full of hate and criticism. People set on dousing the fire that once burned.

I stopped blogging because... it was no longer about vibin with someone harmoniously through experience/opinion. It became another form of publicity and news feed for celebs, popular writing styles, and uncreative unison.

I stopped blogging because.... when I would sit at the computer, nothing would come.

I stopped blogging because... when nothing came, I felt empty. Hallow. Dry. Barren.

I stopped blogging because... of Twitter. How convenient it is to just say what I need to in that moment, less than 140 characters, and have no one look for a explanation just the cont. if it doesn't all fit.

I stopped writing because... life became repetitive. nothing new and no new feelings to explore or attempt to purge myself of. No new lessons learned due to my mental being far away from my physical. I was going through life unaware so what was there to notice?

I stopped writing because... when given the opportunity to write they wanted to change all that was Gwen, written, compromise my voice for a chance at helping create a image.

I stopped writing because... after awhile my writing wasn't helping ME.

I stopped writing because... I couldnt put into words any of what I was feeling.

gwen.

I promise..

to blog again.. one day.

gwen.

Nothing Is Ever What It Seems.

that Love that you had felt so deep down causing your body to convulse outward, made you smile from a moments reminisce, made you quick to defend it at any cost..

ended.

Family..

parted.

relationships ending before they're even beginning, destiny already existing up ahead. society laying the foundation for morals, respect, and honesty's death..

lately nobody is making it.

beautiful faces with hearts of erasers. never planned on keeping you...

around.

Summer flowers with aroma's intoxicating but with annoying bugs that flew out its petals..

gwen.

Just For Today

I will live through the next 12 hours and try not to tackle all of life's problems at once.

I will improve my mind, I will learn something that requires effort and concentration.

I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak in a well modulated voice, and be courteous and considerate.

I will not find fault with a friend, relative or colleague. I will not try to change or improve anyone but myself.

I will have a programme. I might not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two enemies:
hurry and indecision.

I will do a good turn and keep it a secret. If anyone finds out, it will not count.

I will do two things I don't want to do, just for the exercise.

I will believe in myself. I will give my best to the world and feel confident that the world will give it's best to me.

and tomorrow, I will do the same :)

gwen.

To The Man That Just observes..

You are very mysterious man. You look but you don't speak. You undress me with your eyes but you never say a word.

Are you afraid?

Do I intimidate you?

What is it?

You never know, you may be missing out on the chance to be with a real woman. A woman that would love you, hold you and do anything to your body that you want her to. A woman that will cook for you, clean for you.. A woman that will do things for you that most women are ashamed to talk about.

You never know and you never will if you don't approach me.

You have to know that I am watching you watch me so that should tell you that I am interested.

I have not made a move because that is not what I do. I don't hunt, I am hunted.

So, mysterious man show me what you are made of and you won't have to watch me any more.

gwen.

The Question Is, Why Dont You?

Perhaps its because when I was in psychology class and the teacher asked what makes your brain tick and I replied hands. The reply stirred every ones brains. Massaging and awakening the senses to poetic and deeper meaning. Thoughts normal minds couldn't create or picture if it weren't for a hazy muse..

Likely my reasoning was altered when he threw me to the bowels of pain and took the pieces of my heart with him. Slow songs didn't bother me and "Our" songs became just mine again. The original CD player spinning One album at a time and I was content with just my mix playing..

Maybe its because when E. Badu told me to Bump It and I turned the volume up to 45 I felt my voice singing her words, my movements enticing the crowd, my actions interacting with my fans, my heart beating with the sound. In that moment I was unknown mainstream and the feeling felt great even alone..

Of course it could be because the night we got lost in a city we knew, I didn't mind. Going in circles, enter twining brain waves, and matching laughter took the hands of clocks and we rode in our own timeless moments. None of it intentional just how green sixtuplets made siblings out of us..

Perchance its how I, Lucky, Captain Crunch, Tony The Tiger, Trix, Snap, Crackle, and Pop all become best friends. Milk being the drug of our choice and it heavenly filled our bowls. Our bond was hunger and were out to get full together..

Possibly it was when those lips touched my lips and caused my hips to dip and contract my back in tension that felt so electric I felt a explosion in my loins. Causing breathlessness like a compound sentence with no comma, seemingly endless no period..

what can i say?

it just feels good to Fade.

gwen.

Coming Soon...!!!

Why I Smoke Marijuana ^__^

*stay tuned.*

Top Charted.

if you were a song
your melody would entice
the ears
flirt with the soul
and captivate the heart
your catchy rhythm
would cause involuntary
gyrations in the pelvic region
and generate unconscious
free style rhymes
within the mind
your lyrics
would be the envy
of the craftiest poet/mc
filled with
wondrous word play
and
miraculous metaphors
your baseline
would throb, pulsate
forcefully throughout the body
resulting in an irresistible urge
to jump up and get on down
everyone would
demand to get an hour
minute, second
of your phenomenal sound
good thing you're not
because then
I couldn't keep you
all to myself

gwen.

in my attempt to express myself, i hope i dont lose you..

i await the day Jah washes, burns, whisks us, all away.

i sure could use a change of body,

life,

scenery.

inhabiting a place beyond my wildest dreams,

my biggest nightmares fear..

a place I'm level on sinking sand..

reacquainting myself with Ptah, the true friend.

no questions.

no actions.

no consequences.

no reactions.

we, I, incapable of acting.

Oluodumare.

id happily give up this skin, bright..

i love in darkness.

Yashua taught We to be happy with what was bestowed,

i am.

willingly laying it down gently for something bigger than me.

Spirit.

free...

gwen.

Think about it...

Organized lies out plays unorganized truths.

Thats why the government is gettin over on u

gwen.

Mountain Lily .

It is said that the most beautiful of flowers
are to be found on the highest mountain
tops and nestled in the most secluded valleys,
Like the ghetto queens that float gracefully
among the debris of shattered dreams,
hidden in the rankness of grime filled alleys.

These wild orchids and delicate lilys
continue to bud though no one is there to
behold their beauty or see it glisten,
Just as I continue to write my story shine
my light, compelled to tell my tale even in
the absence of someone to listen.


Determined resillience is balanced by a
fragile beauty and held in the perfection of
these sculptures of nature, unintentional
works of art,
Like the fire that blazes behind eyes set in
a tranquil face, the random combination of
a tortured soul mated with a peaceful
heart.


I am a mountain lily, born in the solitude of
ice-capped peaks, nurtured by the rain and
raised by the gentle breeze of life,
A flower capable of being destroyed by a
human hand, yet strong enough to endure
the elements and survive the harrowing
storms of my strife.


To find me, you must climb the treacherous
slopes of my defensiveness and search the
valleys of my being to uncover my spirit,
Which is carefully concealed and is the
map that will lead you to the highest peak
of my soul the place where my core is hid.


And on that sacred ground, you will find a
deeply rooted treasure a beauty that is
eternally pure and infinitely true.
You will have found the Mountain Lily,
have earned the honour of witnessing her
bud, and she will be content to bloom for
only you.

gwen.

Black And Intelligent .

Being black and being intelligent can be deadly
Not physically but emotionally.

Often times I feel like I have to dumb myself down in order to keep from seeming stuck up or a MS. KNOW IT ALL. I often see my black brothers and sister who end up never amounting to
anything, and that's not where I want to be.

I am a young black girl who is happy being her. Happy being educated. Happy knowing that with a little bit of hard work, I can achieve the most high.

My own kind looks down on me because of this.

Because I want to rise above this chaos. Because I want to have a better life. I'm already left out because I appear to be too light. But what does it matter if my skin is of a butterscotch hue? Am I less of a black person? Am I unworthy of being with my own kind? So you see, I have it the worst. Due to my skin and my well spoken intellect.

At first I wanted to hide behind my ability to shift my swagger
And blend in with the quote on quote "Black" crew.
But now I've realized that I am no better or no less worthy to call myself black.

I am no longer afraid to be intelligent. I am no longer willing to hide me true self to satisfy someone's ego. I am going to be myself. A young girl who is now able to accept the fact that she is
BLACK AND INTELLIGENT.

gwen.

So Quick to Judge .

You listening to your girls talk about they life
sometimes you find yourself struggling to be nice
everything she tell you can counter your opinion
wondering how you can clear the fog with the best of intention
so quick to have the answer for it all
yet you jump when your man call
you talk about others and how they rear their children
but yours is doing lord knows what cause you ain't never with them
always speaking on what you'd do in others situations
like your wiser than the next, your life epic perfection
your read the paper and agree to cage the man
who killed a man for reasons you don't try to understand
all you see is unjustified population control
but it was the murderers paycheck the dead man stole
its okay to imprison the N****s who posts on the corners of the streets
even though he's there to make sure his kids eat
N****s judge promiscuous women quick to call them hoes
She may have been molested by some male family member she knows
you feel superior to those addicted to dope
but its okay for you to hit the weed to help you cope
so stupid is the girl who gives her money to her man
but she never had a dad to let her know for what she should not stand
we congregate to damn those in the clubs and not the pews
the questions is who needs prayer more, them or you?
you look down on those who engage in same sex love
like you walk on water and are in a place to judge
you detest those in huge homes and who's bank holds a lot
you don't give away shit, yet you on eBay trying to sell any extra you got
I know I'm talking shit, venting, trying not to hold a grudge
but it pisses me off how we're all so quick to judge.

gwen.

Mistreatment: Its Better Than Being Alone.

definitely sarcasm.

i refuse to be one of those women that makes excuses for my gf/bf when they do wrong, don't do what they say they're going to do, or whatever other situation may arise.

it is just not in my nature.

Synonym
— settle for : to be content with ... BULLSHIT!? not Gwen.


sorry, no can do.

I'm not looking for anyone perfect but i definitely need 100% of them. fuck that 50% junk. you give 100 and I'll give 100 and our 200 will be the perfect start to take over, Monopoly.

until then.

you have to settle for half of me.
(probably wouldn't know what to do with all of me anyway! lol)



gwen.

19blunts&19shotsofPatron

*thanks Twin! he busted out his baking skills for me, lol*

that was the theme of my 19th birthday shindig last night.

like my boy @FadedFelix - negroidyouth.blogspot.com said "...i'm glad you lived 2 tell the tale lol."

*face in hands shaking head "Me TOO!" lol*

i figured after a 8 hour shift at work, passing my last two finals with A's at school, and just looking waaaay fresh, i didn't need to go home. for what? to try finding space in my closet for some new shit ima buy with all the moolah and gift cards i received and watch reruns of Sex & The City; i can do that annnnyyytime!

to my potnahs house we fled.

*names wont be mentioned to protect the innocent.*

only my major cool folks in attendance with their minds on the same ahem, festivities as myself.

major rounds, crazy toasts, and no less than a dub rolled in each blunt we played dominoes and slapped "That's My Jam!"s into the night.

i would share some of the pure comedic moments but you weren't there and probably not high so you wouldn't even get it lol.

....damn i should've took pictures!

but its cool, i got it up here. *points to noggin and smiles*

gwen.

May I Speak Freely?

I think she really dislikes me.

Not me but the things I have.

No, wait...

Yea, the things I have.

I used to think this thought was me being a complete #Spoiled #Conceited #Bitch (woah I need to stay off twitter lol) but looking at it over a lengthy span of time, I'm seeing, It is what it is and this is what it is.

She's never been ahead of me in anything. Relationships, Gear, Socially, Grades, Life period. I've endured the less pain, the less disappointment... and the rest of that shit people who've had it hard, say to somehow make anyone who hasn't been through the Exact shit feel guilty.

Having seen this #fact for awhile now, I've reached out. Tried to connect, BeClose, tiiiiiiight, folks! but who I am and who she is & steady becoming isn't meant to be, even if I wrote the story.

I love her regardless, but I refuse to forever be blamed for my proactive-ness in my life because 1) i pay for everything I have 2)have been through my share of pain but refuse to let it keep me down 3) and know my worth.♥

I hate to say it but, Get Like Me!

gwen.