Catch Me If You Can .

i have walls around my heart. they are wide, high, and strong. and i refuse to let anyone break them down. at just the slightest crack in there structure i instantly patch it and take extra precautions to protect what has yet healed and concealed behind them. call me selfish, wrong, and plain scary but i refuse to risk the chance of being hurt again...

but why do i find myself contemplating giving him the chance to?

two years of ignoring him, two years of him chasing me. two years of laughter filled conversations, two years of no second thoughts. two years of always being there, two years of never staying away.

*lays back, closes eyes, and thinks about everything that has happened over the last two days. smiles reminiscing but just as quickly, comes to her senses*

i can check my phone sixty million times a day if i want!... i pay the bill.
i can think the thoughts i want!... its my brain.
i can listen to a song and think about whoever i want!... i know more than one person...
i can smile for any amount of reasons!... even if its only one...

*smiles liking the thoughts when little sister enters room.. "Gwen... can i sleep with you tonight... Emani just told me Jason was at the movies tonight kissing some girl *starts to cry* and i don't want to be alone..." *

*holds her close and cries with her.* not just because she's hurting but because i know what its like to really love someone. and faster than the speed of light, your heart starts to race and every emotion pumps through your body at once and the tears start to fall... while the world that once was perfect... slowly shatters and your heart breaks.

I think I'll stay anti-love. Really, who needs it? Butterflies in the tummy, heart skipping beats...that can't be safe.

pennanddpaperr.

If I Had The Chance ...

I would tell her that she made a mistake. Not because she left me to the beautiful woman that raised me since day one but for choosing a substance over someone so substantial. I would tell her I used to cry while I tried to answer the questions I would never get the chance to hear answered. I'm older than five yet younger than ten already aware life lessons can be hard and unfair. I would tell her she didn't just leave me. She left us Three girls and two boys who deal with it all differently but still deal. I would tell her about the rape, the physical abuse, and heartbreaks that burned me to ashes to blow away and be lost for days . I would tell her in the midst of therapy treated depression the sun shined bright and self destruction dispersed. No longer just darkness, stars appeared. I would tell her I didn't hate her all the time but at one time she became my motivation. Scared of being another irresponsible , selfish , cowardly , shell of what a woman should be I thirsted for purpose. I would tell her of my achievements, my goals, and succession in not being a statistic. I would tell her of my prayers that the drugs hadn't numbed her heart away...


While I WOULD tell her so much ...



I wouldn't tell her how I love her without ever knowing her because somewhere inside a little girl still believes in mommy. I wouldn't tell her as I typed these words I cried because dealing with this issue and living with this issue is two very different things. I wouldn't tell her I always look into the mirror and ponder do i look like her? because I just want to know if we share anything besides p a i n. I wouldn't let her know that although disappearing I don't share in her regret of the decision. I would do many things but more than wouldn't I would say I forgive you.

pennanddpaperr.