Nothing Is Ever What It Seems.

that Love that you had felt so deep down causing your body to convulse outward, made you smile from a moments reminisce, made you quick to defend it at any cost..

ended.

Family..

parted.

relationships ending before they're even beginning, destiny already existing up ahead. society laying the foundation for morals, respect, and honesty's death..

lately nobody is making it.

beautiful faces with hearts of erasers. never planned on keeping you...

around.

Summer flowers with aroma's intoxicating but with annoying bugs that flew out its petals..

gwen.

Just For Today

I will live through the next 12 hours and try not to tackle all of life's problems at once.

I will improve my mind, I will learn something that requires effort and concentration.

I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak in a well modulated voice, and be courteous and considerate.

I will not find fault with a friend, relative or colleague. I will not try to change or improve anyone but myself.

I will have a programme. I might not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two enemies:
hurry and indecision.

I will do a good turn and keep it a secret. If anyone finds out, it will not count.

I will do two things I don't want to do, just for the exercise.

I will believe in myself. I will give my best to the world and feel confident that the world will give it's best to me.

and tomorrow, I will do the same :)

gwen.

To The Man That Just observes..

You are very mysterious man. You look but you don't speak. You undress me with your eyes but you never say a word.

Are you afraid?

Do I intimidate you?

What is it?

You never know, you may be missing out on the chance to be with a real woman. A woman that would love you, hold you and do anything to your body that you want her to. A woman that will cook for you, clean for you.. A woman that will do things for you that most women are ashamed to talk about.

You never know and you never will if you don't approach me.

You have to know that I am watching you watch me so that should tell you that I am interested.

I have not made a move because that is not what I do. I don't hunt, I am hunted.

So, mysterious man show me what you are made of and you won't have to watch me any more.

gwen.

The Question Is, Why Dont You?

Perhaps its because when I was in psychology class and the teacher asked what makes your brain tick and I replied hands. The reply stirred every ones brains. Massaging and awakening the senses to poetic and deeper meaning. Thoughts normal minds couldn't create or picture if it weren't for a hazy muse..

Likely my reasoning was altered when he threw me to the bowels of pain and took the pieces of my heart with him. Slow songs didn't bother me and "Our" songs became just mine again. The original CD player spinning One album at a time and I was content with just my mix playing..

Maybe its because when E. Badu told me to Bump It and I turned the volume up to 45 I felt my voice singing her words, my movements enticing the crowd, my actions interacting with my fans, my heart beating with the sound. In that moment I was unknown mainstream and the feeling felt great even alone..

Of course it could be because the night we got lost in a city we knew, I didn't mind. Going in circles, enter twining brain waves, and matching laughter took the hands of clocks and we rode in our own timeless moments. None of it intentional just how green sixtuplets made siblings out of us..

Perchance its how I, Lucky, Captain Crunch, Tony The Tiger, Trix, Snap, Crackle, and Pop all become best friends. Milk being the drug of our choice and it heavenly filled our bowls. Our bond was hunger and were out to get full together..

Possibly it was when those lips touched my lips and caused my hips to dip and contract my back in tension that felt so electric I felt a explosion in my loins. Causing breathlessness like a compound sentence with no comma, seemingly endless no period..

what can i say?

it just feels good to Fade.

gwen.

Think about it...

Organized lies out plays unorganized truths.

Thats why the government is gettin over on u

gwen.

Black And Intelligent .

Being black and being intelligent can be deadly
Not physically but emotionally.

Often times I feel like I have to dumb myself down in order to keep from seeming stuck up or a MS. KNOW IT ALL. I often see my black brothers and sister who end up never amounting to
anything, and that's not where I want to be.

I am a young black girl who is happy being her. Happy being educated. Happy knowing that with a little bit of hard work, I can achieve the most high.

My own kind looks down on me because of this.

Because I want to rise above this chaos. Because I want to have a better life. I'm already left out because I appear to be too light. But what does it matter if my skin is of a butterscotch hue? Am I less of a black person? Am I unworthy of being with my own kind? So you see, I have it the worst. Due to my skin and my well spoken intellect.

At first I wanted to hide behind my ability to shift my swagger
And blend in with the quote on quote "Black" crew.
But now I've realized that I am no better or no less worthy to call myself black.

I am no longer afraid to be intelligent. I am no longer willing to hide me true self to satisfy someone's ego. I am going to be myself. A young girl who is now able to accept the fact that she is
BLACK AND INTELLIGENT.

gwen.

So Quick to Judge .

You listening to your girls talk about they life
sometimes you find yourself struggling to be nice
everything she tell you can counter your opinion
wondering how you can clear the fog with the best of intention
so quick to have the answer for it all
yet you jump when your man call
you talk about others and how they rear their children
but yours is doing lord knows what cause you ain't never with them
always speaking on what you'd do in others situations
like your wiser than the next, your life epic perfection
your read the paper and agree to cage the man
who killed a man for reasons you don't try to understand
all you see is unjustified population control
but it was the murderers paycheck the dead man stole
its okay to imprison the N****s who posts on the corners of the streets
even though he's there to make sure his kids eat
N****s judge promiscuous women quick to call them hoes
She may have been molested by some male family member she knows
you feel superior to those addicted to dope
but its okay for you to hit the weed to help you cope
so stupid is the girl who gives her money to her man
but she never had a dad to let her know for what she should not stand
we congregate to damn those in the clubs and not the pews
the questions is who needs prayer more, them or you?
you look down on those who engage in same sex love
like you walk on water and are in a place to judge
you detest those in huge homes and who's bank holds a lot
you don't give away shit, yet you on eBay trying to sell any extra you got
I know I'm talking shit, venting, trying not to hold a grudge
but it pisses me off how we're all so quick to judge.

gwen.

Mistreatment: Its Better Than Being Alone.

definitely sarcasm.

i refuse to be one of those women that makes excuses for my gf/bf when they do wrong, don't do what they say they're going to do, or whatever other situation may arise.

it is just not in my nature.

Synonym
— settle for : to be content with ... BULLSHIT!? not Gwen.


sorry, no can do.

I'm not looking for anyone perfect but i definitely need 100% of them. fuck that 50% junk. you give 100 and I'll give 100 and our 200 will be the perfect start to take over, Monopoly.

until then.

you have to settle for half of me.
(probably wouldn't know what to do with all of me anyway! lol)



gwen.

19blunts&19shotsofPatron

*thanks Twin! he busted out his baking skills for me, lol*

that was the theme of my 19th birthday shindig last night.

like my boy @FadedFelix - negroidyouth.blogspot.com said "...i'm glad you lived 2 tell the tale lol."

*face in hands shaking head "Me TOO!" lol*

i figured after a 8 hour shift at work, passing my last two finals with A's at school, and just looking waaaay fresh, i didn't need to go home. for what? to try finding space in my closet for some new shit ima buy with all the moolah and gift cards i received and watch reruns of Sex & The City; i can do that annnnyyytime!

to my potnahs house we fled.

*names wont be mentioned to protect the innocent.*

only my major cool folks in attendance with their minds on the same ahem, festivities as myself.

major rounds, crazy toasts, and no less than a dub rolled in each blunt we played dominoes and slapped "That's My Jam!"s into the night.

i would share some of the pure comedic moments but you weren't there and probably not high so you wouldn't even get it lol.

....damn i should've took pictures!

but its cool, i got it up here. *points to noggin and smiles*

gwen.

May I Speak Freely?

I think she really dislikes me.

Not me but the things I have.

No, wait...

Yea, the things I have.

I used to think this thought was me being a complete #Spoiled #Conceited #Bitch (woah I need to stay off twitter lol) but looking at it over a lengthy span of time, I'm seeing, It is what it is and this is what it is.

She's never been ahead of me in anything. Relationships, Gear, Socially, Grades, Life period. I've endured the less pain, the less disappointment... and the rest of that shit people who've had it hard, say to somehow make anyone who hasn't been through the Exact shit feel guilty.

Having seen this #fact for awhile now, I've reached out. Tried to connect, BeClose, tiiiiiiight, folks! but who I am and who she is & steady becoming isn't meant to be, even if I wrote the story.

I love her regardless, but I refuse to forever be blamed for my proactive-ness in my life because 1) i pay for everything I have 2)have been through my share of pain but refuse to let it keep me down 3) and know my worth.♥

I hate to say it but, Get Like Me!

gwen.

Randoms .

I will be 19 in four days and there is no excitement. I Am looking forward to my bestie coming down though. I'm dragging her to see the best sequel to any movie... Sex & The City 2!!! (Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, & Miranda♥)

I look forward to falling asleep every night so when I awake in the morning and my eyes adjust, I can look at my New tattoo! This is true love. Falling in love with the same person/thing over and over :)

The people at my job are going to start thinking I can't count. My drawer has been over twice and short twice. Wtf Gwen?! ...I'm so tired of seeing that pad with the write up slips attached =\

Lately I've been watching a lot of iCarly... ?

I met this guy that has the weirdest way of talking. No fa real. He says shit like "man that's like tieing a knot around two kangaroos" ...what does that have to do with me saying "there should be a law against a slice of cheesecake being bigger than myself"? .... Exactly!

Its been two, almost three days since I've been inked and I already know what I want my second to be. Of course it will be awhile, since iRefuse to let anybody else scrape my skin but Jeff and he's booked till August. Soo it'll be another well thought out, perfectly placed, happy ending when I finally do get countlessly poked again.

Lately, after getting high, instead of eating(LOL) I belly dance to whatever music plays on my mix Cd's. Its been working wonders for my abs. No lie.

I think I have OCD when it comes to washing my hands. I haven't reached Monk stages but Curel and myself have forged one hell of a moisturized bond.


*i only posted this because i wanted to elaborate and on Twitter I'm limited to 140 characters before i have to use Tweet Longer and have (cont) at the end of my very entertaining thoughts :)

gwen.

Two Fourty-Seven AM

i had a lot to say.

before my moms slow ass laptop took its time to load and i suddenly became fatigued.

i was thinking i would just spill my emotions out into this post and let the numerous eyes that read judge me for the things i would say... and then i thought me saying what i originally wanted to say out of another whirlwind of emotions would be easier in a 10 - 1, but i didnt want to speak background words that would never reach the soundtrack....

and now...

well,

i don't even want to mention the words i wanted so badly before to say because, the subject isnt worth my time or energy. in fact as i write these words and my eyelids become heavier, i can't remember why i ever wanted to utter them.

oh wait.

because i was looking for comfort.

some divine act to make me suddenly feel better about everything and stop this rollercoaster ride, some random tweet to make me smile and never have flipped up and ran toward the keys.

guess it won't be happening tonight...

gwen.

Step Outside Of Yourself.

It didn't bother me when it happened.

I wouldn't have even noticed it...

If it weren't for his black & green Nike shock jogging shoes.

They caught the suns rays and gleamed like a liquid chemical running down the street.

I remember him across the street and walking at the same pace. Maybe me a little slower than he.

I mean had to be? since he beat me to the light and across the street...

The remaining way to my destination I lagged behind.

Me being who I am and he who he was and the situation being what it was sparked this whole comparison to life and the white man. How although we have influential people of color that are recognized, being a common person myself we are steady struggling to become a mere number counted.

My brown frame simply trotting along as if I didn't have somewhere to be, a purpose, a place. Enjoying nature, a unlimited play list, and worried about my hair and clothes staying in place. He, headphones, probably playing something boring, to me, was moving fluidly. Was all about getting there and making it. Quicker than me.

He was serious.

I've listened to many African Americans complain about every race, especially white people, weather it had to do with opportunities, way of life, differences, and although at times I've had to agree, most of the time I couldn't help but be disappointed in my own people.

Just bitching.

Not being able to get a job, keep a job, advancement opportunities, simply equal opportunity.

Look at our tactics. Look at our ethics.

We don't put half as much time into our education as we do when it comes to what we're wearing when we go to get that education. We don't put half as much time into doing our jobs like we do when we're in desperate need looking for one. We don't think about saving money for a rainy day until its not just raining but pouring and you need money to just exist.

We don't think past tomorrow let alone next week.

We don't think to run instead of walk.

gwen.

I Want To Hold The World's Hand.

we walked in, both looking one and the same asking to be seated. as we shared our days events to one another i couldn't help but notice a older gentleman slowly making his way up a slightly steep hill. getting where... i still don't know but it seemed his travel had been rough to this point. he stopped his cart, full of all his worldly possessions and looked around. I'm still unaware if my eyes were penetrating his presence so deeply that he felt them too but his eyes connected to mine and it was as if he was looking through to my soul and taking all of me in.

as she continued talking, although me sitting salt & pepper shakers across from her she didn't seem to notice or maybe even cared that i wasn't a ounce intrigued in what she was saying. as long as i was breathing i was worth her own sharing. as i gazed at him he gazed back, silently sizing one another up. myself, $300 Original Burberry printed button up, $100 Guess jeans, and $300 Burberry shoes. him, no labels and yet his outfit cost more than mine did.

get it?

i finally snapped out of my gaze when i found myself wondering how he could look at me with such disgust... it started to become evident as my eyes started to uneasily wonder away from his. probably sensing his presence was being dismissed, belittled, and eventually ignored because i was just another spoiled teenager that couldn't understand let alone feel any compassion or understanding when I'm used to having "everything given", product of my environment guilty. i can't be mad at him, that's probably what the world sees...

i looked up into her MAC adorned face and caught the end of what she said "... i just don't understand people like that. all this tax money I'm paying out."

"so because you're paying taxes you feel like you're doing your part?"

"I'm just saying that extra 50 or 60 dollas they take out of my check for taxes could be a extra pair of shoes or something."

I am opposed to the system of society in which we live today, not because I lack the natural equipment to do for myself but because I am not satisfied to make myself comfortable knowing that there are thousands of my fellow men who suffer for the barest necessities of life. We were taught under the old ethic that man's business on this earth was to look out for himself. That was the ethic of the jungle; the ethic of the wild beast. Take care of yourself, no matter what may become of your fellow man. Thousands of years ago the question was asked; ''Am I my brother's keeper?'' That question has never yet been answered in a way that is satisfactory to civilized society.

Yes, I am my brother's keeper. I am under a moral obligation to him that is inspired, not by any maudlin sentimentality but by the higher duty I owe myself. What would you think me if I were capable of seating myself at a table and gorging myself with food and saw about me the children of my fellow beings starving to death.

my thoughts took me outside to where i walked up slowly to the gentleman and extended my hand "Hi, I'm Gwen and I would be honored if you joined me for lunch." he smiled wide showing healthy white teeth and extended his wrinkled hand that knew first hand hard work and replied "I'm Paul and that sounds mighty fine."

gwen.

Are You Listening?

she said it took her having her first child to get a grasp on reality. to really stop what she was doing wrong in her life and make a change. getting pregnant at seventeen by a guy that she learned how to love correctly and incorrectly for multiple years, who gave her something she will never be able to rid her body of. looking back on it, i remember hearing about her. she was known for fighting and partying...

the first day i saw him, i couldn't take my eyes off of him. not because he was "hella fine" but because he had these indentations on his face that nobody could ignore. they looked smooth but at the same time once were hard and painful. i wanted to ask him how he got them but i just couldn't bring myself to pry. until one day i took the chance and reached out and touched them. at first he flinched so i pulled back but he grabbed my hand...

they seemed to be the perfect couple. both good looking, easy going, and loving. they walked in holding hands and walked out with him opening the door. she came to school crying one day and he held her and literally wiped her tears away. he sat in class, leg shaking, fists clenched, and she laid a gentle hand on his back and kissed his forehead. they're eyes softened and she pulled her hair behind her ear. on her neck was a tattoo "Bitch" and on his wrist "Disappointment"...

...a recovering meth addict that dated a guy for three years who gave her two beautiful little girls and herpes.

...saying "I was coming off a six day high. I had just broke into my parents house and stole my moms jewelry and little brothers PlayStation two and video games. I was trying to score. When i met up with the dude he told me he wouldn't take my stuff only money and i didn't have any. i left but came back later and tried to rob him. i got away with some and went and got high. i was so tweaked out walking up and down the street that i didn't see them rushing me from behind. they took me to a barn like place and pushed me on the ground face first it was wet and smelled like gas and one of the guys through down his cigarette.."

...she was once a ho. the stroll, a pimp, strung out addict. he used to rob people, places, was planning a heist. one night while out with his friends they went to a liquor store where as he was walking out he was asked by her was he "looking for a good time." he said yea, told her to get in the car his friend left running and drove off. they drove and drove, him never telling her where they were going and she, eventually falling asleep. they ended up in cities away and he pulled over to the side of the road "I'm leaving. I'll take you where ever you want to go along the way but i can't continue doing what i do and i don't think your liking what you do. i can tell you right now regardless of what you've done i love you..." he starts the car and drives back onto the road and they've been riding ever since.

so pretty and polished, Jerkin style and soft spoken, angelic and slim, intimidatingly masculine teddy bear, i sat by these four people in class for weeks and never could've imagined their stories.

pennanddpaperr.

A Day At Work.

- He paid me in dimes. $15.

are you fareal? I'M NOT SELLING DRUGS! why are you looking like a fiene counting change?! next time stop at the Luckys across the street and make friends with the Coin Star machine homes.

- She walked in and walked past me without saying "Hey" "Hi" or "Fuck You".

check it Taylor Swift, i understand you might not like me for whatever high school reason your brain has conjured up but before i Kanye West you, lets try at least being cordial. don't worry, i won't tell your pregnancy pact pals that you weren't being the normal high school douche. promise!

- "Can I get that in a bag."

YOUR MILK HAS A HANDLE! what the hell do you need a bag for?!

- six calls for six different items in six minutes. no lie.

now why couldn't you have called once and asked about all items. of course i would've had to put you on hold for awhile seeing how there is RARELY anyone on the floor in the evening except myself, but i would've got back to you as quickly as possible!

- They're plotting on me.

they want me outta there! my co-workers that is. they were caught on the end of aisle four by a customer plotting my demise.... lol i laugh at them urkels. i am not going anywhere anytime soon haters. so roll with me or get rolled over. i am here to put myself through school and for the customers how you doing!

- ..If you don't mind someone old enough to be your Papi.

older men and Mexicans adore me! i don't know if its because I'm a P.Y.T or they're just old horny dogs... ima evaluate this a little further.

-I bagged $167.62 in groceries ...

when she suddenly realized she had her Eco-Friendly bags. *blank stare* are you kidding me? *customers blank stare back* i don't want the plastic. well then you must be about to take all them damn groceries out of those plastic bags and put them in your own bags because my back is hurting, i should have been on break TWENTY MINUTES ago, and i'm the only one answering the phones and trying to deal with OCD SAVE THE PLANET WORK MY NERVES lady, You! "no problem."

i must scram now. lets see what happens today...

pennanddpaperr.

Teen Life Crisis .

yep. ^ that's what I call it. why? because I'm nowhere near Mid-Life duh. lol

but the fact steady remains, I've been tripping!

i'm turning nineteen May 26 and while I should be making plans... or friends... to go out celebrating with i'm too busy having anxiety attacks, crying, and imagining myself sliding down that age 'hill.'

Wooddy said I'm 21 so if yur feelin old i'm feelin like a grandpa... good one! but its not the feeling old part, that's just me not getting enough sleep lol, it's the getting old... i don't wanna! *pouts*

i was suuuper geeked to turn eighteen.

shiiiiiit i was in the club like to the windooooooow to the waaaaaallll!! and then three a.m. hit, McDonald's filled my stomach, and the sheets and pillows seduced me. i took a shower too. more weekends like that, school, the gym, work and BAM! May 26 is quickly approaching AGAIN! TF?!

*thinks of something else to say on the subject... *crickets*

damn, i need to lay off Twitter. (TF?) -___-

pennanddpaperr.

"You Are Not Who I Thought You Were."

when I hit about 50 followers on blogger a few special ladies stood out from the group. they took the time to talk to me, comment faithfully, shout me out, award me, and all the other wonderful blog perks. well, along with Shay, RoByn, Amy, Miss Traci, and Keisha there was another beautiful middle aged woman. beautiful writer, appreciator of my written works, and most importantly a mother. her sixteen year old daughter was a vigilant reader of mine and although she didn't have a blog she kept up with me through her gmail or her mothers blog account. thank you! if you ever get the chance to read my words again..


as many of you know, Tuesday was 4/20. National Weed Smoking day. point blank, i participated. *gasp!* yes, Gwen is Herbal Appreciator. we'll get back to that in a minute. the daughter and mother were both following me on Twitter... until 4/20. apparently what i was saying was not "responsible" or "lady like" so she took the liberty to write me, shun me, and stop her daughter from following me on twitter and blogger.


now I'm not one to get between a mother and her child because i just wasn't raised that way but i would like to express myself on the subject because i don't feel as though i did anything wrong.


i make it a point to respect any ones reading preferences by having a adult content warning on my blog. i protect my Tweets on Twitter not because I'm trying to hide anything but because i want anyone who wants to be on either page to be sure of the choice they are making. i am a young woman with a lot of opinions, thoughts, and feelings. i am going to disappoint, anger, make proud, and anything else with my words. i am still a kid! i don't call myself a role model because that really is a heavy burden to bare and I'm not perfect. i don't like to brag about myself but one thing i can say with a straight face and you will never have to question, imma say whats on my mind. i have never edit myself, even growing up sitting in 6th grade when i told the girl in front of me that "it isn't polite to roll your eyes when people make a mistake while reading. not everybody is capable of being trained." almost 7 years later, i still do the same. sitting in Econ class talking about typical teenage nonsense like weed, parties, and sex but at the drop of a hat educating about Our Ancestors, the meaning of life, and politics.

"You made a choice to follow me because you thought i was a good role model for your daughter but i think you failed to realize I'm not too much older than your daughter and that maybe one of the reasons she enjoys my writing so much was that she could harmonize with me. she didn't feel judged for feeling the same things i wrote about, she silently agreed with me from her side of the computer, and when we talked she was herself. if you expect me to apologize for what i said on 4/20 and the days following, I'm not going to. that would be me apologizing for being me and i will never apologize for being the only Real thing i know how to be but i will say, in no way was i ever glamorizing my actions or trying to sell my ideals to anyone especially your daughter. i appreciated you two following me and i do miss your presence as followers. feel free to come back anytime."

coming later... my personal thoughts on Marijuana, Religion, Relationships, Love, Cheating, Friends, Education, and my take on myself personally.


pennanddpaperr.

Don't Worry, I Didn't Say Your Name Sista.

I think you should know that the self righteous look doesn't look good on you.

I agree, which is why I don't wear it.

you come off like you're so humble and blessed to be liked by so many other bloggers on blogger but let's be real, its a act. nobody can be that happy about anything. especially people you don't know.

I guess you have yet to experience complete fulfillment from.. anything! because I am beyond blessed and humbled by every last person that takes the time to read and comment my posts. I don't know these people? I know they're minds and hearts. if that's not knowing someone then I don't know myself.

some of your material isn't half bad but then you write stuff that is just out in left field and nobody understands it. you're trying too hard to be deep and its a complete fail!

how can expressing myself be a failure? you didn't consider yourself failing when you felt the need to express your opinion, and I don't consider you having failed by not getting under my skin because you were searching for a reaction and I'm sure when you read this post you will have your own (:

"its all love Beautiful. I appreciate you telling me how you feel about my written works. while I don't agree with all you have said or even liked some of it, I respect it. a individual is nothing without individual thoughts. Blessings."

pennanddpaperr.

Where Are All The Good Ones ?

There was Kenny..
somehow he got hooked up with the girl I called my best friend,
That fucked with my then "man",
I was with,
steady,
for two years.
Jessica.
I still remember her red hair.
Horse teeth, body,
average.
but since she was a white girl, Outrageous.
gifted mind,
ignorant acts.
saw
The Gift in me before spoken words.

Then there was Josh..
came in swangin em'
Dimples,
Amazing.
And your voice,
Sing to my Ears,
That you love,
Release thoughts that have accumulated over the days.
And you really listen, and I really care.
Man I should've kissed u that night we sat on the couch,
Just chilling.
Damn.
victim of Love, He.
too good for many,
unappreciated by few,
still believes The One,
exists.

Met Chris..
at a park.
bricking shots.
Still claims that was a bad day.
Good day since we met each other,
and the party later was Live!
spent a whole night,
off of drink and smoke,
minds not there,
bodies in the same bed,
and didn't do nothing but.
Laugh.

Jay came around later.
a woman's dream but since I am a Goddess,
wasn't impressed.
talked about the sexes
that walk our Earth and we messed with.
dropping much needed and ignored knowledge.
hooked him up with my Best friend,
they're Solid.
treats her like a Queen,
I knew he would from the,
Beginning.

I'm friends with them.. ♥

pennanddpaperr.