"These violent delights have violent ends."

He was always told

he'd be a Star,

every coaches favorite.

He never complained,

about running the laps

for he knew they were just the basics,

and that when in the Game

the muscles he built

would help make him so much better.

He awed all the crowds

as he shot and shot,

made it,

and more than likely got the steal.

the girls went wild

they oohed and awwed

and wished one day to date him.

little did they know

One girl sat below

wearing a content and sweet smile,

She knew He was Hers and She was His too

They were going to go mile for mile.

They shared bright days

and handsome nights

that they never wanted to end,

complimenting Each other perfectly

outside and in.

She was always there for Him

through Any and Everything

and no matter where He was

She was on her way.

to a game, a date

to dinner, or just to chill

to buy a gift, to sit by Him

in the crowd cheering.

She was the Ying to His Yang

His Right to Her Wrong

and they felt Together They were Strong.

sirens blared and yells were heard

the cops where on their way,

the ambulance wailed

trying to think of a way,

to break through traffic that day.

the sky was grey

No sunshine

it was even really Cold,

this was the day Antwan Died

not Body but his Soul

to see Her laying in his arms

blood seeping from the wound,

he sees Her Tears

fall from the eyes

hes always loved to look into.

if only He could go back in time

from when the trigger was pulled,

acted a little quicker

dove in front of Her

did something to make this better,

to stop the Pain

from making Her body shiver

He lost The One

He truly Loved

there would be No Replacing Her,

along with Her

He Died as well

Never to be the same,

He longed to Love Her

just One more time

in that Special Way,

but even Romeo and Juliet still would've Died

in a hood tragedy.

pennanddpaperr.

Popular Rarity .

I think she was Haitian

her body vibrating

on the dance floor

all her Mans boys checking for her

strutting with a mean walk

a real Diva

had all her girls Envious

stare that said

I'm

better

than

You.

Never the type to bring home to Moms

Pops had a couple back in his day.

messed around and got her Pregnant

you knew nothing about it

busting something and wasn't thinking about

no

Condom.

can't believe You gotta Man up

while She Playing dress up

like that Lustful night didn't produce

Reality

F the world.

its You and yo Shorty

ain't trying to hit the club with yo boys

no more, Jones in ya Bones

trying to Do The Right Thing

now

a Real Job,

ya know a 9 to 5,

keep him laced in the Jays.

that you'll put in your car window

as a Memento,

to remind You of his

Significance

when he's not around

always feeling a Man

was a real Man when he had

diamonds, hoes, and a bankroll

until his Jr took his first breath.

Selfishness was no longer a option

Food, Clothes, Security and Safety

making his Future Proud

was Respect in itself.

you're doing The Right Thing.

gotta keep telling yaself

cuz doing Wrong is So Easy,

Influencing badly,

Creating bad habits,

flying solo,

is no more.

cuz a Real Man,

Mans up and takes Responsibility for

His Actions.

it gets No Realer than

a Boy becoming a Man

a Man becoming a Father.

pennanddpaperr.

Dear__ 10 - 1

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)

1. To the guy that holds my heart without his conscious hand, I love you. Luckily i'm not saying names... although silk, the many cocooned feelings are daring to break open and well, I just can't deal with the butterflies.

2. To my giggle buddy. i'm aware behind your jokes you love me, in a way that I will never give you the chance to, openly. I guess I should one day tell you sorry..

3. To a immature, insecure, unaware shell of a being, i'm convinced your life is slowly falling apart and you can't handle it. I always think why don't you ask for help? and quit thinking any word you don't want to hear is attacking.. but Janet said it best "she's just not ready."

4. To a new found interest, i'm playing it cool. I think you are too. That is all.

5. To the only person I have ever been able to commit myself to, do right by because I always wanted to... always felt I didn't have to try to... and only needed to. you are the best! there is no one else that can even slightly compare. seven years strong!

6. To the one that didn't care to stick around, i don't blame you. sometimes it is better to leave the cards where they lay... or in our case the bowdys where they loiter and the swishers behind the counter. we will always have parking lots.

7. To the emerald eyes of a mystery, when will you tell me what you want from me? if we played Scrabble would you at least spell it out for me?

8. To the beautiful glasses wearing mother of one, that saw me for what I really am, you helped me find myself when I was unaware of where to look.

9. To the makers of Don't Mess With The Zohan , shoot yourselves. *this counts, I didn't say and don't know the douche lord names!*

10. To the giver of my life, that luckily didn't have to push my over sized head out of something lemon size, know that you are my heart and all the vessels that are connected. you keep me going.

Sincerely, the amnesia having young woman that will never utter the names to who she has addressed all real feelings To.

pennanddpaperr.

Scene: Now.

this Music today is nothing more than Nonsense to Beats that control our heads to nod with them.

that keep us Limited to what Good Music is by making it Hard for Real Lyricist to get In.

forcing those who are Non-Conformists to be cast out as if they are Not Worthy.

making it Hard for Desires to ever end their Journey

and start their Climb to Public Stardom.

Adored by many who are Familiar to them,

but don't feel them.

i'm Not complaining.

okay I Am, but i'm just saying!

can we get somebody who's not just into making Hits and being the Shit.

but taking me on a Journey of Lyrical Description.

that can Change my Mind.

reverse my sigh and let me get High off the Rhyme

Not completely slaughtering the Genre that I grew off of,

putting my expectations in a box and clouding my mind of options.

maybe I should start Rapping.

attacking the Art as if i'm famish,

trying to make a point of whats Real and Artificial.

introducing ya Mind to New points and Ideas.

keeping you Interested in the Real World.

make no Mistake.

this isn't about Hate,

but a quick Thought of what We consider Real Music Today.

pennanddpaperr.

It's Been Great Blogspot.

I'm nearing 100 followers...

*bites nail*

AND I'M ECSTATIC !!

*spins around in computer chair laughing and squealing*

when I first started blogging it seemed like getting even one follower was going to be a challenge, what to write, what audience to appeal to, be myself or be commercial, and any number after was just going to be luck. nearing 100 is truly a blessing. even more exciting than I imagined it to be. I guess its true what they say about having no expectations because this is frickin awesome!!

*huge smile plastered on face*

I have met some of the Greatest people and read from the Greatest minds! if I could just live near a few of you, ahhh it'd be too awesome to be legal! (:

many people start off blogging to share their life, express their feelings, and so forth but while we all start off for a reason and with a purpose, you can walk away with so much more IF you open yourself to anything and everyone. with the honorable privilege of meeting amazing people, I have found myself through my blog and I just simply, from the bottom of my heart want to Thank Everyone that has chosen to take the journey with Me and take the time to get to know The Real Me as well. (Facebook) it has been such a wonderful experience and I couldn't have asked for more by just being accepted and appreciated by you guys!

All My Love,

Gwen .

p.s.

if you've been wondering where all the regular posts have gone, this month I along with some other special folks have decided to participate in April Poetry Month where for the full month of April it will be a poem a day. don't worry though my loves, the posts will be back after April... possibly a few throughout the month. going to stay with me? (:

Mainstream.

i'm sorry. I could never be no Puppet.

dangling from little strings, a team telling

me where to go, when to eat, how to be

all about Image, i'm damned i'm a Woman

sex sells, but i'm a Publicity Virgin

cast me out if you have to, i'll make it

i'm a True Artist, gimme a palette i'll Create It.

I can't be fake, so why'd I sign

the Industry? my True Art? Compromise

picking and choosing what they want to hear

i'd Never underestimate my audience's ears.

they say they're trying to Mold me, into what? I ask

some classy looking video chick, where the first thing they say about me,

a Person,

is "damn you see that ass?"

sorry Nicki didn't mean to diss you

I mean are you a Facade or is this the Real You?

they all "entertain" but there's just one issue, i'm not trying to stay Top 10 visual

I wanna be #1 to millions Mental, Spiritual

sharing my words Vulnerable

I guess that's why I write, 100% Individual.

pennanddpaperr.

Whenever, Wherever

I Write In My Bathtub.

where the water is hot and my words can only sink to the bottom before

they rise and float and find Me.

I think that's what they call Weight.

my words carry much.

I Write On The Toilet.

as I let waste pass, i'm letting new words Bless these Pages.

before, I didn't have much to say

now i'm working on Words worth engraving.

catch me walking around town,

big brown eyes

"hey Gwen, I remember when you said this...

I Write In The Car.

words jumbled up, writing ugly up close and afar.

what can I say, I gotta show it.

put it out on Paper, let it flow from my hearts home

and

hope later I can decipher, these words I wrote

Writer.

I Write Standing Up.

no time to prep or be comfortable.

do or die, now or never.

not that serious? or you're not that clever

Energy flows up

i'd hate to have ignored them Words and they'd been Best Sellers.

I Write Sitting Down.

where I can feel up and feel around

tossing here, tossing, there, but these Words Stay Bound.

no shaking hands, most of the time no distractions,

my Paper, Me, and Pen

the Best Interaction.

I Write In The Kitchen,

Hungry for new ways to Replenish

what Water couldn't give me Eternal Refreshment

I guess it's Mental.

Writing my Meat, Feelings my Bread, Ink my Drink.

this ends Well Fed.

pennanddpaperr.

PLEASE Stop Back By !

as I was checking my New comments that needed to be approved for Blogger I was drinking a Cherry Limeade Chiller from Sonic and was so wrapped up in the WRONG thing I accidentally pressed Reject instead of Approve for the comments. =\

I know one of the special people that stopped by and blessed my posts with a comment was Don and the other... some wonderful Young Woman that is going Naturale.

so if you are reading this...

"I would be very appreciative if you took the time again to write comments on the posts that you did because this genius(sarcasm) made a huge mistake and would LOVE to get the chance read your thoughts."

my, i hope they see this... =\

on a lighter note...

Welcome all my New Followers! thanks for joining all the written madness that is Pennanddpaperr(Gwen). I welcome you all, new and seasoned(not old lol) to add me on Facebook and get to know me. I'd love to get to know you. (:

*sits pretzel style and adjusts laptop on lap*

awhile ago, back when I was a 'blog virgin' and uncertainity clouded my writing judgement. I did create, in my opinion, a wonderful self breakdown of myself in hopes that it would motivate many Young Women to do the same and embrace what society and even ourselves would consider flaws. check it out if you haven't --> http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2009/10/perfection.html

and for my fellas, can't forget about you guys. you are just as special and important as us women.

check this out --> http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2010/01/someone-had-to-say-it.html

and finally, if you just want to get a better understanding of the mind you have chosen to peer into --> http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2009/12/dropping-jewels.html

http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2009/12/he-just-doesnt-know-better.html

Hope you all enjoy!

pennanddpaperr.

Bald Guys Never Have A Bad Hair Day.

after many attempts to try and go Natural ..

• NOT washing my hair for long periods of time ... *yuck!*
• twisting with different products ...
• getting kinky twist ... <--- the hair used, slipped out in the first few days

obvious, F A I L !

my sister Bernice told me that there is in fact a way I could go Natural even with my hair type (silky and soft) but she's not exactly on board with the idea so she is keeping the secret recipe to herself. chicken balls! so ive just decided to go Natural my own way.

• NO more flat ironing
  

*my sister Karen has already asked would I sell her my Chi ($200 flat iron) but I can't even begin to fathom the Idea of doing that!* I promise not to use it! but I just cant part with it.

• NO more curling iron
  

• NO more gel or hairspray
  

• NO more combs or brushes
  

I will be 'finger combing' if I feel the need to.

• NO more blow drying
  

heat and my hair have never been friends. it causes dryness and frizz. *hate that!*

so a simple wash and condition when i'm in the shower and a little Luster's Pink Oil Moisturizer *<--- been using it since I was a baby Gwen lol* after I towel dry my hair when I get out.

and Wah lah! this is My Natural. likeeeee? :)

pennanddpaperr.

When Boredom Set In .

Suppose I loved like you.

There'd be no new Fruit to pluck in early Spring if I loved like you.

Nothing to show for Harvesting and Growth, just weeds that make the prettiest thing look remote.

Loving like you.

I can't understand why you love like you do.

When I say I love you

and you thinking you're playing me, say "I love you too."

That's just the way you love, don't chu?

Acting like you.

You should be a Oscar Nominee for the work you do.

Not you?

Can't all good actors perform like you.

Crying, Smiling, Laughing, Hurting.

Emotions produced.

That's your job while mine is steady loving you.

But let's talk about me.

Loving like me.

Its harder than you think, loving like me.

Underpaid, emotionally enslaved, this job don't have no benefits.

Why do I stay?

Sitting at home, by the phone, why do I stay?

Haven't been out since our second date, what date was that on?

Don't think it was even a date, I think it was the last time we went out trying to be adults, talk it out, and makeup from your last fuck up.

I'm just saying.

If loving like you was this flash before my eyes as mine glazed over with a transfixed smile.

This will be our last date.

*i promise a REAL post next time and no more poems lol*

pennanddpaperr.

One Word Tag ...

i was Tagged by Miss RayvnRae @ ravynrae.blogspot.com/ to do a one word Tag post.

*i love things like this! (:

Here we go !

Hair -natural mess of curls ( :
Your Mother - my he♥rt

Your Father - still fairly new to my life

Fav Food- chinese and italian

Dream last night - i dont remember ...

Fav drink - water

What room are you in - living room

Hobby - writing/blogging, shopping, working out

Fear - losing my mommy

Where were you last night - home

Something that you aren't - stuck up , i'm really helllllaaaaa cool ( :

Muffins - warm blueberry , yumm!

Wish list item - 2007 infiniti m35 <--- plan to have it by summer!

Where you grow up - Murda Dubz East Oakland

What you are wearing - grey sweats, green&&black "Pimp The System" tshirt, and whitegrey&&green Jordan 7's

Your Pet - miniature black with brown paws dachshund, Princess

Friends - n/a

Something your not wearing - jewlery

Fav Store - Target

Fav Color -Purple

Last time you laughed - about an hour ago. my sister is tooo funny!

Your Best Friend - Kiara Beverly. almost 7 years strong!

Best Place you go over and over - home. no place like it.

Person who email you regularly - email? lol text, bbm, aim, or hit me on facebook.

Fav place to eat - Olive Garden

I tag:

1. Kela @ hellokela.blogspot.com/

2. Robyn Latice @ journey2maturity.blogspot.com/

3. Sweet @ myaffinity32.blogspot.com/

4. Cook.The.Poet @ http://lyricalthoughtz.blogspot.com/

YOUR TURN GUYS !

pennanddpaperr.

For Me ?!

today i received The Beautiful Blogger award from the very entertaining Cook.The.Poet @ lyricalthoughtz.blogspot.com/

*leans back in chair, sighs, and big smile appears on face*

you have no idea how good it feels to be selected to receive this award. i have quite a few now where some have never experienced receiving one so every time after the first one, which by the way is still very much a wonderful memory, is simply a humbling experience. thank you SO much Cook for giving me this award and all the other amazing people that follow my blog or occassionally pop in. I L♥VE YOU GUYS!
*enough of the awards show acceptance speech lol... sorry i just get reaaallly happy (:


So the rules go as followed::


*-Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.*

-Copy the award and paste it to your blog.-

*Pass this award on to 15 fantastic bloggers you have discovered. *

-Contact your nominations and let them know they've won.-

*drum roll*

AND THE AWARD GOES TO!!!!!!

Chymere @ thesweetheartchronicles.blogspot.com/<---- beautiful writer , always something uplifting and inspirational

Sandi @ zeebruhhh.blogspot.com/ <---- her random tidbits are definitely worth stopping by to read

Miss Traci @ beautyinrareform.blogspot.com/ <---- she definitely has a way with words and posts are always The Truth

Ashbee @ visualbite.blogspot.com/ <---- her blog tells the truth with no apologies. she beats me to a lot of my own topics lol.

Caroline @ hotpinkferrari.blogspot.com/ <---- she's a newbie to me but i'm already digging her straightforward choice of words *thumbs up*

Ravyn @ ravynrae.blogspot.com/ <---- she's had me following her posts since My Pen "Gosh! i felt you girl." lol

Chloe @ chloeespenilla.blogspot.com/ <---- i mean c'mon, she likes the Golden Girls ! that in itself is deservant of this award. I LOVE them brawds!

Tashay @ drmsvsrlity.blogspot.com/ <---- point blank , she makes me feel as though im sane. ♥

CONGRATS MY DEARS !!!

so uhm, you know what you and i have all just realized? *shrugs* ... that was nowhere near 15 bloggers lol. i guess i can't hide the fact i dont follow many people now huh. honestly, i have been meaning to change this fact. maybe now will be the best time since we are all giving shout outs to our personal favs. a lot of blogs i follow are written by interesting people that like interesting people sooooo yeaaaaa (: *makes a mental note to take the intiative to read everybodies awardees Tomorrow because she is too tired Tonight* <--- with that being said ... zzzz!

pennanddpaperr.

They Ask Me Why I'm Deep .

they ask me why I'm deep.

why every word that leaves my lips seems planned before I speak.
they don't look at the full form, pink, beauty mark adorned flesh that once kissed a thug goodbye,

cuz The Lifestyle eventually claimed his life.
no, they just ask Why.

i cry for all the Single Mothers.

they sure don't have the time to cry for themselves.

to let one drop of emotion fall from their,

Eyes.

see more than where I am trying to be

but from studying can tell where all the MisEducation and Ignorance is going to lead.

that's what I preach to these blind Young Folks of the world

that think its all about that boy or girl.

that has only felt hands.

not Passion.

can you feel mine?

does it melt your heart and strengthen your mind,

take you on a journey,

Mine.

has beauty you never see.

artistic ways, a gifted change

no longer planning, trying to mentally just Sustain because,

who can survive with no core?

I can't survive with no pen.

if stripped of everything in the end,

ill always have my Think-ing.

broken hearts, tarnished name

mistakes Intentionally made, I WAS DUMB!

and it was fun...

they ask me why I'm deep.

I just put my words out there, scramble em around, and recite them again.

aren't you just as deep as me?

you tell me I'm speaking your life's story

really?

i thought you was you and I was Me.

come here and let me give you some Poetic Justice,

let me whisper something in your ear,

show you that these are just Words you hear,

"We All Have A Story."

pennanddpaperr.

To: ALL The Women Of Blogger ...

"A capable, intelligent and virtuous woman, who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far ABOVE RUBIES or pearls."

Proverbs 31:10

pennanddpaperr.

He Calls Me His "Bottom Bitch"

so what is that suppose to mean? is this the new "Thing" because if so... i guess im just not going to ever fit in. what happened to being someones girlfriend, wifey, best friend, and all the rest of those... nowadays seemingly meaningless titles?

girl #1 "all I'm saying is that he can do what he want as long as when we together its all about me. if i cant prove it then.."

girl #2 "then a bitch don't need to know! you cant control a man when they gone do the shit. might as well let that nigga do him, while i do me."

*the infamous high-five*

i sat there and thought, what kind of bullshit logic is that to have! i mean what respectable woman, first of all, would allow a B O Y to just continually do any and everything with no consequence when it comes to her life, heart, and personal safety. sure we have all had one or two bad relationships in our time, it comes with dating, but when did females start just accepting it.

*tunes back into the exchange of oral ignorance between the two*

girl #1 "he's never going to leave me for her. i have that niggas baby and his name on me. he knows wassup."

girl #2 "girl Darryl be thinking he can just up and leave me at anytime but what he don't know is that hes never getting rid of me. hes going to give me his son and if he ain't trying to, i have my ways."

*girl #1 laughs* "girl i know that's right. Shawn make so much money that i didn't give trapping his ass a second thought but the shit happened before i got the chance."

who sits in the park, smoking a blunt, openly talking about trapping some drug dealer, pimp, robber? <--- hey the stereotypes fits this time! you're intentionally bringing a child into the world to keep some unfaithful B O Y who probably cant tell the truth to save his life besides the fact you don't respect yourself enough to expect it from him in the first place. branding a name on you that is only going to remind you of pain and mistreatment and scar you with emotional baggage and all kinds of issues. we're suppose to live in the present but damn would it hurt you to look to the future?! and speaking of the future, *scene pauses and Gwen stands in front of both girls hands on hips and neck a-rolling* I'm worried about the little one that is at home. you don't sound very educated yourself, how are you going to educate another being? set a good example? provide the best, not Jordan's, clothes, and toys but morals, values, trust, and truthfulness. i can already see another statistic on the corner. looking up to the fast money and yet again disgracing a race that already has it bad enough by simply being a darker color. *play*

girl #2 "yea she called him again. i told him he better check her ass or there was going to be some problems. he know i don't play that shit. that's why he has a cellphone."

girl #1 "i wish a bitch would call my mans phone trying to be bold. i would have to slap the shit out of a hoe. i cant stand these dumb bitches these days."

girl #2 "i told him he better put her ass in her place or i will. i get tired of having to hear her voice or see her name when me and him are together. he lucky i know how to play my position or i would've been left his ass"

so you're taking your time leaving someone that openly cheats on you? and by playing your position this is the kind of treatment you have to endure? if you didn't know your man is cheating this a SURE way of knowing now... but then again i guess she already knows.

*Gwen shakes her head laughing and continues writing in her notebook*

girl #2 "whatchu laughing at?" mumbles "this bitch going to say something smart and fuck up my high and ima go to jail." her sidekick "hm mm!"

*Gwen looks up and smiles, "just listening to you ladies conversation."*

girl #1 "i see somebody is nosey. you need to mind your fucking business." rolls eyes and hits the blunt.

*Gwen laughs and puts book in book bag and gets up, "just so you know, you two are beautiful. young and the future of tomorrow. you don't have to sit here and act like what these so called men do don't bother or hurt you. when you're ready for better its out there. Real Men that will step up and take care of you both like Real Women should be taken care of *looks to the one with the kid* be a real father figure, worth looking up to, for your child. don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem." <--- L♥VE Lauryn Hill for that one !

*Gwen walks away after smiling in the duo's faces.*

girl #1 "bitch you don't know us! my man loves me! I'm the bottom bitch you stuck up hoe!"

Gwen stops walking, turns around, and says with a smile "then stay at the bottom, bitch."

pennanddpaperr.

"i didnt mean to call you"

this is why i hate "getting to know" or "talking" to a guy. i detest the vulnerability. the waiting for his phone calls, the butterflies from a text message, the lack of emotional control when he makes you laugh and can even make you smile when your mad. point blank, the expectations. and not just expecting "things" but the common courtesies. without them knowing it they hold you in their hands...

im thinking i should have a little more control... but lets be real, I'm a girl! I'm emotional! i suck that lovey dovey shit up and like every minute im living it.


*mind conversation* "get it together Gwen. you're not too far gone. it's still possible to bounce back"

*long sigh and hangs head*

NO good can come from this.




pennanddpaperr.

The Title .

eight people in the living room - myself , two brothers , and five of their friends, chilling. MTV Jams pounding out of the flat screen, Jay-Z's - On To The Next One going off and Wayne's - A Milli coming on.

Steven "Man I'm glad that nigga Wayne going to jail. give somebody else a chance to shine. Jay need to bring his old ass back and take the title." the rest of the idiots "Hell yea, man."

*Gwen ponders* "Technically Wayne ain't going nowhere. that nigga has so much music he's been working on that hes going to be another Pac. Niggas is going to claim he ain't in jail because he's going to be dropping videos and singles regularly. his team is going to space out what ever music he has over a period of a time to keep him relevant."

Marcus "that may be true but with Jay in the lab and Wayne in prison, Wayne wont be able to touch Jay."

sarcasm ----> "you're right! and it takes Wayne being in jail for Jay to even deliver like he might." -_-

Steven "Why you hating Gwen? Jay last album was slapping! better than that Wayne shit."

"uhmmm, Steven my dear. i think Jay said it best. *puts on Locs and brothers black cap and impersonates Jay* "men lie, women lie, numbers don't." apparently the WORLD disagrees that Wayne's album wasn't exactly 'shit."

*the idiots laugh uncomfortably* Calvin "she got you there Steve."

"I'm not saying Wayne is "The Best Rapper Alive" but hes doing what it takes to steady attract fans, sell albums, drop mix tapes, and keep himself popular. Jay although seasoned in the game only comes back when he feels he has something to say, D.O.A. , and personally that was just to talk shit. *even though he claims it was no disrespect. uhm sure 'Hov -_- *

Marcus "that's because he tight like that. he can come back and say what he wants because niggas respect him. even Wayne said that Jay is his favorite rapper so now what? not only that but Jay aint trying to go with the trends like Wayne. first that nigga wanted to be a gangsta now this nigga looking like a tatted up Lupe Fiasco."

"we aint even talking about that shit Marcus. we're talking in comparison. sure Wayne said that, but at the same time he ain't trying to be that nigga either. if you go back and listen to ole skoo Jay he was on the same hype about 'cooking that shit up' and 'the hood' but he aint talking about it anymore! he over here calling himself God, talking about his money and Oprah and Obama. people change and adapt, its how you keep it flowing. but point blank all I'm saying is you fools are saying that Jay is going to step up and just be out there but the question is, why couldn't he have did that when Wayne wasn't in jail? Wayne sure as hell didn't go anywhere when Jay came with The Blueprint III. he went toe to toe with his 'favorite rapper. if he cant stand competition then he should've stayed in retirement."

Idk what ya'll think? This was just my argument with these busters ! *cheeeeeese !*

p.s

ANOTHER post coming later ... lol

pennanddpaperr.

A Emotional Fight .

This chick named Misery can throw a bangin ass party,
she don’t need flyers, posters, or even a venue to get it started.
All she needs to do, is convince one soul,
then they’ll try and bring their whole family both young and old.
Friends, coworkers even people in the street,
then everyone will bring everyone that everyone meets.
The drinks get to flowing the bar be popping,
the dance floor be packed, and aint nobody stopping.
The DJ in the booth bumpin the latest hits,
ladies on the dance floor screamin, “That’s my shit!”
The party is goin on and don’t stop til the mornin,
while they yawnin still on the floor determined to bring the dawn in.
Every is dude is live and every girl is hot,
everybody got swag up in Misery’s spot.

Now, here come that bitch Karma, ready to tear shit up,
rolls up in the spot smackin niggas cups.
Pullin on girls’ hair shovin dudes into walls,
uppercut to the bouncer, after swift kick to the balls.
Got folks runnin, fleeing, duckin, dodging, leavin cryin,
but many stick around, and watch as Misery steps in.
She jumps up angry “Hoe, you messing with my money,
coming in here startin shit messin with my company!”
But Karma is determined, cause these to are her people,
and she’s ready to throw down against Misery’s evil.
Like the slick sly snake that she’s always been,
throws her drink in Karma’s face kick to the shin.
Drunks around cheering as the host has her way,
a quick hook to the chin, and on the floor Karma lay.

Misery beats her chest, as she celebrates victory,
while Karma taste her blood thinking, look what this bitch did to me.
She rises up to her feet with a stumbling stance,
mouth dripping red, but still ready to dance.
Misery rendered Karma weak, noticing sorrow and pain,
and it’s at that point she’s at the top of her game.
She goes for the throat reaches in from afar,
pretty soon it will be Karma sittin at the bar.
Drinking with the girls Jealousy and Hate,
Envy is there too yelling “Manip, you late!”
Vindictive was in the bathroom, as he’s a true playa,
knowing just when to move just what to say to ya.
Conniving is at the door collecting all the money,
Fake and Phony are the twins, Spite think everything’s funny.
The door opens up, and in walks Pride,
usually on the fence, but taking Misery’s side.
Kharma is outmatched the odds are not in her favor,
but in walks Guilt and Shame who’ve come in to save her.
Misery smiles and grins at the challenge she faces,
yanks her earring, greases up tightens her laces.
Her cohorts walk up, and stand ready in position,
Laughing hysterically about the ease of their mission.

Karma emerges to the middle of the floor,
but then there’s a faint knock knock on the door.
They decided to not answer, then the bell was buzzed,
so Nosey and Gossip, needing to know who it was.
Opened up the door to a blinding light,
it was Love and his homies ready to fight.
Faith, Happiness, and Joy came through,
Peace and Hope gone make it do what it do.
Patience was in there, with her virtuous ways,
Optimism, Belief and Support comes and stays.
Care and Polite steps up in a hustle,
while Respect and Understanding, is ready to tussle.

Misery looks on, and in her arrogance says,
“You really think these softies will set me straight in my ways?”
“I love to party get drunk get high and such,
so do you really think these fools is gone bother me much?”
“I got the greatest help that money can buy,
so let’s have it Stop Me Let’s see you try!”

At just that moment, when Misery was ready to brawl,
in walked Prayer, and put a hush to it all.
Prayer brought someone who Misery didn’t suspect,
but it was God, who brought Blessings, and Prosperity next.
Misery said, “That’s It” and threw her hands in the air,
“Party’s over go home this chick ain’t playing fair."
She packs up her things and leaves in a huff,
didn’t suspect they’d go there guess they called her bluff.
All the others left cowering in fear,
and Karma, a little bruised pulls up a chair.
Knowing she will not stop until Misery is dead,
but the fight will go on only in someone else’s head.

pennanddpaperr.

To The Point .

Please forgive some of us. Be patient. A lot of us who claim they want a Man have a altered reality of what a Real Man is. and Woman please forgive the Men. they were trained to fuck us and not be a friend.

pennanddpaperr.

Catch Me If You Can .

i have walls around my heart. they are wide, high, and strong. and i refuse to let anyone break them down. at just the slightest crack in there structure i instantly patch it and take extra precautions to protect what has yet healed and concealed behind them. call me selfish, wrong, and plain scary but i refuse to risk the chance of being hurt again...

but why do i find myself contemplating giving him the chance to?

two years of ignoring him, two years of him chasing me. two years of laughter filled conversations, two years of no second thoughts. two years of always being there, two years of never staying away.

*lays back, closes eyes, and thinks about everything that has happened over the last two days. smiles reminiscing but just as quickly, comes to her senses*

i can check my phone sixty million times a day if i want!... i pay the bill.
i can think the thoughts i want!... its my brain.
i can listen to a song and think about whoever i want!... i know more than one person...
i can smile for any amount of reasons!... even if its only one...

*smiles liking the thoughts when little sister enters room.. "Gwen... can i sleep with you tonight... Emani just told me Jason was at the movies tonight kissing some girl *starts to cry* and i don't want to be alone..." *

*holds her close and cries with her.* not just because she's hurting but because i know what its like to really love someone. and faster than the speed of light, your heart starts to race and every emotion pumps through your body at once and the tears start to fall... while the world that once was perfect... slowly shatters and your heart breaks.

I think I'll stay anti-love. Really, who needs it? Butterflies in the tummy, heart skipping beats...that can't be safe.

pennanddpaperr.

The Menstural Cycle .

although a lovely reminder of femininity to many woman every month, it has came at the worst time for a irregular cycled young Gwen.

*sighs and recounts the days events*

I'm doing great with working out six days a week and eating right. going hard, sweating it out, and feeling more motivated than the day before everyday i approach the gym doors. that was until Mother Nature twirled her strawberry blonde hair around her finger and kicked up her Manolo Blahniks to review her list of favorable candidates she doesn't get the chance to fuck with often !

*imagines herself shredding the list, taking Mother Natures shoes, and grabbing a handful of whatever sweet candies that are in her candy dish on her desk and walking out with a smile and a bouncy head of curls.*

three days ago i was perfectly fine. although very much alive and feeling the slight cramps, Gwen was on top of it with a heating pad and brisk walking and stretching to endure.

then today came...

*Psycho movie theme music*

weather it was me staying up till 5 am to finish watching GI Jane on TV, which by the way cut out alot of good parts and dialogue, or this lovely gift God has bestowed upon my life, i didn't want to wake up or get out of bed today. after breakfast i figured i had to at least attempt my normal regime since while i was up last night i ate a bowl of Pops. convincing myself my stomach was growling and it wasn't just the insanity i was inflicting upon myself because the sugar coated corn pops was seducing my psych. i did two 3/5 intervals, 3 minutes running, 5 minutes walking, that took me to my sisters house. where while there i put down a mini snickers and had a Weight Watchers popsicle instead.

*sits up straight and smiles to herself. seemingly proud.*

too bad it was cold and looked like it was going to rain when i decided to leave which totally put a dampen on my somewhat motivated spirits to jog back home, so i walked. until i saw my hate to be attracted to him curly-haired-green-eyed-mixed-race 'associate' that works at Kragens. a little bit of talking, avoidance of eye contact on both parts, and a unofficial promise to write him on MySpace i was yet again motivated to jog at least another 4 1/2 minutes back with a slight smile on my face. JERK !

*Gwen hugs knees to chest and frowns but slowly frown fades and a slight smile appears.*

anyway, getting back home and doing six crunches for good measure i gave it up and hit the showers. started a new book, Dice by T.N. Baker, and cooked dinner. baked fish, veggies, and brown rice. i figured this was alright considering i had only had one meal today, breakfast. multiple episodes of my favorite show, Sex and The City, and i was once again feeling as though Carrie was speaking my hearts feelings and minds unwritten words. but go figure! Miranda fresh from having a baby, was eating everything delicious in sight and thoroughly enjoying it when there it was. Temptation. on my flat screen in HD. rearing its chocolate glazed head in my face.

i closed my eyes, took a moment and a deep breath, and got up. switching my leaner, more toned, and tighter hips and thighs to the kitchen where i took in my hand a Martha Stuart black handled tablespoon. opened the refrigerator slowly and looked way in the back where my forbidden bliss lay. opened the container and scooped out all life's answers and sat on the counter savoring the cold, sweet yet smooth taste of chocolate frosting.

*closes eyes tight and smiles remembering the slow paced rendezvous*

two more days to go... -_-

*sighs and falls back on bed*

pennanddpaperr.

You Deserve A Oscar .

i figure it has to be act.

it cannot be possible to have a body that holds a heart with no soul and a brain with no conscious. although, time and time again weather its my own personal experiences or others it has been proven that these douche lords are 24/7 devoted to their craft; negatively changing lives. i cant count on my fingers how many times i have heard someone say that He uttered the meaningless words, i never meant to hurt you. of course AFTER he was out dancing up on Mariah, kissing up on Christina, or banging Shannon. I'm starting to realize that we have been living blind lives ladies. we have, as women have evolved, discredited these males and gave no second thoughts to them and their games because we seemingly had it all figured out: play hard to get, seem uninterested, and hold tight to our well thought out standards. BUT after time and time again coming toe to toe with these creatures and their webs of unplanned, uncertain smooth ways those things prove unreliable in comparison. we lose our minds, lives, and purpose. too wrapped up in his happiness, dreams, and growth. later looking back on all you could have accomplished, all hes inheriting, and what the next will appreciate. they're naturally unrelentless beings who before they could walk knew how to manipulate their mothers and make their fathers proud...

Rihanna said it best, Take a bow .

pennanddpaperr.

Them Pregnancy Pains Is No Joke !

walking down the aisle looking for a ProMax protein bar and sipping on my Fiji water, there she was. on the floor, sprawled out, tears gushing from her red eyes, and toddler teeth exposed from her wide drooling mouth, screaming and crying.

*stops abruptly, stutter stepping looking around from shock*

right in the middle of aisle 7 organics at Raley's just there on the floor showing out while her mother, Caucasian, *no offense jstar, you know you my girl !* obviously hasn't gave this fuckery a second thought, bending over further investigating the nutritional content of some couscous.

"Elaina get up honey. If you don't get up we wont go to Toys r' us."

*looks from the little girl to the mother like 'are you serious?!' *you know that look where you have to jerk your head back ANNND look to the side because its just THAT schocking*

little child from the corn is ignoring the hell out of *Becky* and steady shouting and screaming. just rolling all over the place and after trying to blink this awful reality away i realize right in the front of my ProMax protein bars. great. -_-

*clears throat*

*Becky* looks up and smiles. soOoOo i see your not embarrassed your kid is over here looking like shes practicing the fire drill, alriiight.

"Elaina get up. the nice lady wants to get over there."

does the spawn of Satan stop? she looks from her mom to me and had the nerve to roll her puffy blue eyes! and continue on with her shenanigans.

*Shanaynay "oh my goooodness?!"*

"Oh ! shes so impossible sometime" *Becky* smiles and reaches across and passes me the bar i wanted. i say 'thank you' and immediately turn around and get the hell up outta there.

i love kids and i want kids but I WILL take my kids up outta this world ! if they pulled some shit like that in the store ! i ain't going to be beating my children but there is nothing nobody will be able to tell me if my child is acting out of line and they need to be popped back into place. not to mention all them hours ima be in a room with people i don't know all down, in between, and up in my business telling me to push a watermelon out of something lemon size.

so sure we can do the *Becky* - talk first, but please believe if he or she try playing me like they been living on this earth longer than me, them momma pains ain't going to be a joke !

pennanddpaperr.

The Sarcastic Truth .

I'm starting to think that as a woman, its true when they say we don't want the men that will treat us right but rather the ones that will do us wrong. Does this make us stupid? Nahhh, I think we just have a short in our mind to heart line... lol.

Take for instance my friend Rochelle. *name has been changed to protect the innocent* She was in a very healthy and inspiring relationship with the sweetest guy *Tony*. They had plans to move in together, got a dog lol, had great chemistry, and was madly in love. I mean the 'awws' and 'I want one!' in full force. In the midst of the bliss I get a normal phone call saying 'let's do lunch'. Food and my bud?! I'm there ! As I'm enjoying my beautifully cooked salmon I'm hit with 'so I broke up with *Tony*. he's just too clingy and sweet. we're too different and i can't take it' and that was that.

*looks up from salmon with fork in one hand and perplexed look on face*

In my mind, I'm thinking 'are you crazy ! the guy is crazy about you ! genuinely head over heels about you and all your flaws ! your bananas !'

*in a more mild tone*

'He's too good of a guy to let go. You two could really have something. As a woman we just want to be treated right and loved unconditionally. Why won't you allow yourself to be happy?'

'I already told you'

*looks like, that's it?*

'Well if you're sure...'

*on to the fine brotha sitting across from us, yumm!*

Later on she told me that *Michael* was still the love of her life and she would never be able to love *Tony* like *Michael* -that's fair- and *Tony* was nothing like *Michael* -duh he's *Tony*- she just felt there was something worth pursuing with *Michael* and she would hate to miss out on it for *Tony* - *Michael* *Tony*, *Michael* *Tony* : AND THE WINNER should have been *Tonyyyyyy!* (*Michael* ended up NOT wanting her, talking bad about her, and claiming he never loved her. Ouch!) She later went back to *Tony* who gladly took her back because of His devotion and love for her and she left him AGAIN to try pursuing that 'love worth fighting for' with *Michael*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I was trying to be supportive of her decision at the time but I just couldn't wrap my mind around how wrong she was for letting such a good thing go, Until ...

He's sweet, supportive, understanding, romantic. ♥ everything great BUT I don't want him.

*crowd yells HYPOCRITE !*

Psh, I know! And the bad part about it is I can pinpoint exactly why I don't want him. I would and will run over him if we were to ever become more than friends. There I said it.

It wouldn't be intentional. On some Steve Wilkos type my girlfriend abuses me hype but in a I will do and say what I want because I know he wouldn't do anything in his own defense hype. In fact, it probably would just automatically happen because I'd get bored. Then get frustrated because I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him how I truly felt, then get straight up irritated for biting my tongue when I'm not one to do that (damn Satya - those that follow my other blog know what I'm talking about) and finally mad for having to live a lie to someone so wonderful.

*sigh*

I guess I'll stay a hypocritical single lady till I find a decent guy that pisses me off half the time, is good to me the other half, and I love unconditionally all the time because i mean really, that's what we as women do.

*smdh*

pennanddpaperr.

Do The Right Thing .

I know it was wrong. It was selfish, a complete act of irresponsibility and lack of self control. It went against everything I stood for.

*leans back in La-Z-Boy and rubs temples*

I could lie and say I don't know how it happened but the regret and shame I feel wouldn't go away. In fact it hasn't left since I quit moaning, told him to stop, and he slipped out of me.

*sigh*

At first I blamed him. He was the one that wanted to take me out and 'hang'. But in my mind I knew I was just horny and had long ago decided if the time ever arose I would sex him down, forget it ever happened, and ignore he had a girl. See I'm not as great as you guys thought.

*looks up at the ceiling*

Then I realized it was me. As strong minded and respectable as I had always prided myself on being I had in fifteen minutes became the girl that ruins beautiful relationships and scars a lover. The girl you shake your damn head at because she's a home wrecking little slut ! Ouch ! :(

He told me he would tell her. In his own way, at the right time. What time is right to have your heart broke? And since the 'incident' I have asked him constantly and consistently avoided him at the same time. I even went as far to write her on facebook and sincerely apologize and give her the heads up since NOBODY DID IT FOR ME !

"You fucking bitch! How dare you write me telling lies on my man! He didn't want you! He just couldn't get to me! That will be the last time you get the chance to be with him you ugly bitch! Now go die!"

*slams laptop down after re-reading the message and crosses arms across chest. purses lips*

Regardless of me being guilt ridden and honestly sorry there are just a few problems with her little 'I'm hard because I used exclamation points' message.

Telling lies on my man!

-sweetie he told you the same thing!... or did he?

He didn't want you! He just couldn't get to me!

-he couldn't reach you once in yal whole 9 month relationship? Because he was damn sure reaching out and trying to touch me the whole time. *fail! Until this incident*

That will be the last time you get the chance to be with him you ugly bitch!

-last chance? who are you Ginuwine? he most definitely won't be with me but who's to say he won't be with someone else. and who ugly ? c'mon son !

*looks at BB red light blinking. text message: when we going to kick it again?*

*blank stare* need i say more ?

pennanddpaperr.

Take The Journey With Me .

http://intouchfocus.blogspot.com/

hope to see you guys there along with me !

♥

pennanddpaperr.

I'm Aware I'm Not Ugly . *no cockiness intended*

When did what I look like matter so much it became the reason why nothing bad should ever occur in my life?

Being pretty doesn't stop a man from cheating. Being pretty doesn't get you good grades. Being pretty doesn't console your heart after a breakup. Being pretty doesn't make people take you serious. Being pretty does not exempt you from the lack of well thought out waste of words that spill from useless life forms.

Guys. I praise the ones that have genuine interest and purpose -pause-

I am very aware you good ones do exist. You are the beautiful creatures I write uplifting posts about. But I wish you would quit hiding under rocks in caves in New Zealand !

-play- But I could super kick through a wall! the ones that feel as though by complimenting me on my looks you are scoring major points.

NOT !

If I was the type to eat that superficial shit up, you would only be gassing my head. Not getting any closer to me. You would further be proving why I didn't need what's his name and why I don't need you. Goodbye!

Really, would it kill you to turn off your automatic asshole switch and try for once looking past the exterior and saying something meaningful?

How are you ?

How has your day been ?

Care to talk about what's bothering you ?

Age , location , ARE YOU IN SCHOOL ?

But NoOoOoOo ! you get :

"Your too pretty to put up with ____''

"As pretty as you are, ______''

"Nobody as beautiful as you, _____"

Blah blah blah STFU !

I'm not looking for a b o y to validate me. I'm waiting for a man that can see past what any common person sees and care enough to get to know ME. A beautiful mind. ♥

pennanddpaperr.

I Tell It Like It Is . I'm No Exception .

I challenged all my blogging buds to make a list of reasons why a guy or girl would NOT want to date you . Here is my list . LATE lol and uncut .

1. I don't babysit or pacifier a guy just to feed his ego or his insecurities . If you can't handle the free time you might have on your hands because I have a job and go to school you need to get more serious about your own future . When we're together I make it a point to make my feelings clear .

3. I'm not good at saying how I feel . ...thanks Shay... So if asked , " What's wrong ? " Nine times out of ten , I'll reply with " Nothing " . BUT expect for you to either figure it out on your own or badger me enough until I finally give in and tell you .

2. I'm too blunt . I say what I mean and mean what I say . Depending on the guy this can cause heated discussions, straight up arguments , or bruised egos .

3. 'I'm quite the lurker' ..thanks Stephy.. I might not do it outright but I pay close attention to the things he might do and say . I pay attention to body language as well . I don't consider it making him pay for the lasts mistakes , just being quietly cautious .

4. I get bored rather quickly . I've looked up my sign enough to confidently be able to blame it . I need more than a physical attraction . I need a conversationalist . Stimulation of mind . I can't do the beautiful airheads that aren't allowed to talk but just smile .

5. In a argument I can be quite brutal . My words can be my sharpest knife . My mind doesn't always catch up with my words fast enough and it proves to be problematic . Although they say the truth comes out when angered ... Hm.

6. When I mess up I feel as though I should be forgiven right away . While on the other hand I'll go through Q&A , silent treatment , and prolonged anger . I know its unfair but i can admit it.

6. I don't take initiative . ...thanks Shay... Meaning : If you not texting/calling me, I probably wont text/call you . Not because I dont like you but because I dont want to seem clingy .

7. I'm too independent ? I prefer to pay for everything I want and need and for who I'm with to understand my reasoning for this . If I buy it or pay for it nobody can take it away from me or in a heated argument can throw it in my face . "well you wasn't saying this when I did ___" "that's how you feel after I bought you ____". but at the same time I like to be spoiled . id rather he just not tell me about it and do it .

See, im not too bad . *smiles to herself*

pennanddpaperr.

Empire State Of Mind .

New York.

A fascination I have grown with. Have you ever had the feeling of not belonging? Like you weren't meant to live where you're at? For example, you're a city girl at heart, you enjoy every moment you get to venture into the center of all the action and excitement. Yet, you're trapped within the confines of your country-ass hometown.Yes, this is how I feel.And I mean I've felt this way since like uh... forever.

New York, I believe I was meant to be there. Live there. Breathe there. I don't know, I suppose Vacaville, just isn't my calling. The city is growing, but it can never compare to the legend of NYC.

Its a passion that I intend to explore further.

pennanddpaperr.