Are You Listening?

she said it took her having her first child to get a grasp on reality. to really stop what she was doing wrong in her life and make a change. getting pregnant at seventeen by a guy that she learned how to love correctly and incorrectly for multiple years, who gave her something she will never be able to rid her body of. looking back on it, i remember hearing about her. she was known for fighting and partying...

the first day i saw him, i couldn't take my eyes off of him. not because he was "hella fine" but because he had these indentations on his face that nobody could ignore. they looked smooth but at the same time once were hard and painful. i wanted to ask him how he got them but i just couldn't bring myself to pry. until one day i took the chance and reached out and touched them. at first he flinched so i pulled back but he grabbed my hand...

they seemed to be the perfect couple. both good looking, easy going, and loving. they walked in holding hands and walked out with him opening the door. she came to school crying one day and he held her and literally wiped her tears away. he sat in class, leg shaking, fists clenched, and she laid a gentle hand on his back and kissed his forehead. they're eyes softened and she pulled her hair behind her ear. on her neck was a tattoo "Bitch" and on his wrist "Disappointment"...

...a recovering meth addict that dated a guy for three years who gave her two beautiful little girls and herpes.

...saying "I was coming off a six day high. I had just broke into my parents house and stole my moms jewelry and little brothers PlayStation two and video games. I was trying to score. When i met up with the dude he told me he wouldn't take my stuff only money and i didn't have any. i left but came back later and tried to rob him. i got away with some and went and got high. i was so tweaked out walking up and down the street that i didn't see them rushing me from behind. they took me to a barn like place and pushed me on the ground face first it was wet and smelled like gas and one of the guys through down his cigarette.."

...she was once a ho. the stroll, a pimp, strung out addict. he used to rob people, places, was planning a heist. one night while out with his friends they went to a liquor store where as he was walking out he was asked by her was he "looking for a good time." he said yea, told her to get in the car his friend left running and drove off. they drove and drove, him never telling her where they were going and she, eventually falling asleep. they ended up in cities away and he pulled over to the side of the road "I'm leaving. I'll take you where ever you want to go along the way but i can't continue doing what i do and i don't think your liking what you do. i can tell you right now regardless of what you've done i love you..." he starts the car and drives back onto the road and they've been riding ever since.

so pretty and polished, Jerkin style and soft spoken, angelic and slim, intimidatingly masculine teddy bear, i sat by these four people in class for weeks and never could've imagined their stories.

pennanddpaperr.

Por Favor.

check out my cousin/brother Chris over @ http://12dots.blogspot.com/

he's new to Blogger so make him feel welcome and immerse yourself in his psyche.

he's one to intrigue.

pennanddpaperr.

My Pullback .

When I love
I love hard
I will always love and get hurt
But that is my weakness
That is my pullback


When I love
I love hard
I believe in true love
I believe it's too good to be true
But that is my weakness
That is my pullback


When I love
I love hard
I endure most of your hurt
I take it and i consume it
So you won't have too
But that is my weakness
That is my pullback


When I love
I love hard
I would wait
But I would die a bit each day
So you won't have too
But that is my weakness
That is my pullback


My pullback is you.

pennanddpaperr.

A Day At Work.

- He paid me in dimes. $15.

are you fareal? I'M NOT SELLING DRUGS! why are you looking like a fiene counting change?! next time stop at the Luckys across the street and make friends with the Coin Star machine homes.

- She walked in and walked past me without saying "Hey" "Hi" or "Fuck You".

check it Taylor Swift, i understand you might not like me for whatever high school reason your brain has conjured up but before i Kanye West you, lets try at least being cordial. don't worry, i won't tell your pregnancy pact pals that you weren't being the normal high school douche. promise!

- "Can I get that in a bag."

YOUR MILK HAS A HANDLE! what the hell do you need a bag for?!

- six calls for six different items in six minutes. no lie.

now why couldn't you have called once and asked about all items. of course i would've had to put you on hold for awhile seeing how there is RARELY anyone on the floor in the evening except myself, but i would've got back to you as quickly as possible!

- They're plotting on me.

they want me outta there! my co-workers that is. they were caught on the end of aisle four by a customer plotting my demise.... lol i laugh at them urkels. i am not going anywhere anytime soon haters. so roll with me or get rolled over. i am here to put myself through school and for the customers how you doing!

- ..If you don't mind someone old enough to be your Papi.

older men and Mexicans adore me! i don't know if its because I'm a P.Y.T or they're just old horny dogs... ima evaluate this a little further.

-I bagged $167.62 in groceries ...

when she suddenly realized she had her Eco-Friendly bags. *blank stare* are you kidding me? *customers blank stare back* i don't want the plastic. well then you must be about to take all them damn groceries out of those plastic bags and put them in your own bags because my back is hurting, i should have been on break TWENTY MINUTES ago, and i'm the only one answering the phones and trying to deal with OCD SAVE THE PLANET WORK MY NERVES lady, You! "no problem."

i must scram now. lets see what happens today...

pennanddpaperr.

Framed .

let me close the camera shutters and indulge in the memory card.
may I find pictures that I thought were deleted but remain simply stored.
I'm just trying to capture,
without focus,
without changing the lense,
the essence of your inner beauty.
which is why I sit in your presence and technology is nonexistent.

may I have permission?
to take your hearts deisres and give you the red light special.
develop all the beauty that true love creates.
introduce light into darkness,
feel the warmth of a wet place, yet cool as I shake.

your tripod holds me perfectly.
right in the center, vertical like.
horizontal if the angle is right.
was flash used? I remember light.
or was that just from the shutters being squeezed so tight.

I've taken plenty of different shots
& tried many different poses,
but something about this fixed spot has this camera frozen.
nothing moving, just staying.
in position
saving.

pennanddpaperr.

Teen Life Crisis .

yep. ^ that's what I call it. why? because I'm nowhere near Mid-Life duh. lol

but the fact steady remains, I've been tripping!

i'm turning nineteen May 26 and while I should be making plans... or friends... to go out celebrating with i'm too busy having anxiety attacks, crying, and imagining myself sliding down that age 'hill.'

Wooddy said I'm 21 so if yur feelin old i'm feelin like a grandpa... good one! but its not the feeling old part, that's just me not getting enough sleep lol, it's the getting old... i don't wanna! *pouts*

i was suuuper geeked to turn eighteen.

shiiiiiit i was in the club like to the windooooooow to the waaaaaallll!! and then three a.m. hit, McDonald's filled my stomach, and the sheets and pillows seduced me. i took a shower too. more weekends like that, school, the gym, work and BAM! May 26 is quickly approaching AGAIN! TF?!

*thinks of something else to say on the subject... *crickets*

damn, i need to lay off Twitter. (TF?) -___-

pennanddpaperr.

"You Are Not Who I Thought You Were."

when I hit about 50 followers on blogger a few special ladies stood out from the group. they took the time to talk to me, comment faithfully, shout me out, award me, and all the other wonderful blog perks. well, along with Shay, RoByn, Amy, Miss Traci, and Keisha there was another beautiful middle aged woman. beautiful writer, appreciator of my written works, and most importantly a mother. her sixteen year old daughter was a vigilant reader of mine and although she didn't have a blog she kept up with me through her gmail or her mothers blog account. thank you! if you ever get the chance to read my words again..


as many of you know, Tuesday was 4/20. National Weed Smoking day. point blank, i participated. *gasp!* yes, Gwen is Herbal Appreciator. we'll get back to that in a minute. the daughter and mother were both following me on Twitter... until 4/20. apparently what i was saying was not "responsible" or "lady like" so she took the liberty to write me, shun me, and stop her daughter from following me on twitter and blogger.


now I'm not one to get between a mother and her child because i just wasn't raised that way but i would like to express myself on the subject because i don't feel as though i did anything wrong.


i make it a point to respect any ones reading preferences by having a adult content warning on my blog. i protect my Tweets on Twitter not because I'm trying to hide anything but because i want anyone who wants to be on either page to be sure of the choice they are making. i am a young woman with a lot of opinions, thoughts, and feelings. i am going to disappoint, anger, make proud, and anything else with my words. i am still a kid! i don't call myself a role model because that really is a heavy burden to bare and I'm not perfect. i don't like to brag about myself but one thing i can say with a straight face and you will never have to question, imma say whats on my mind. i have never edit myself, even growing up sitting in 6th grade when i told the girl in front of me that "it isn't polite to roll your eyes when people make a mistake while reading. not everybody is capable of being trained." almost 7 years later, i still do the same. sitting in Econ class talking about typical teenage nonsense like weed, parties, and sex but at the drop of a hat educating about Our Ancestors, the meaning of life, and politics.

"You made a choice to follow me because you thought i was a good role model for your daughter but i think you failed to realize I'm not too much older than your daughter and that maybe one of the reasons she enjoys my writing so much was that she could harmonize with me. she didn't feel judged for feeling the same things i wrote about, she silently agreed with me from her side of the computer, and when we talked she was herself. if you expect me to apologize for what i said on 4/20 and the days following, I'm not going to. that would be me apologizing for being me and i will never apologize for being the only Real thing i know how to be but i will say, in no way was i ever glamorizing my actions or trying to sell my ideals to anyone especially your daughter. i appreciated you two following me and i do miss your presence as followers. feel free to come back anytime."

coming later... my personal thoughts on Marijuana, Religion, Relationships, Love, Cheating, Friends, Education, and my take on myself personally.


pennanddpaperr.

I'm Always Pretty TRUTH-ful .

1. Awhile ago my friend Keisha introduced the idea of Tumblr to me and of course I rejected leaving blogger. I thought this was the coolest site ever... until I read someones blog and found out blogger is soooo 3 years ago LOL. woah! ... i'm super late.


2. I watch Roseanne religiously every night. she's hella funny!

3. I've realized many people who read my blog don't know me and never will. I could put my life in words and post it but they will always have their own expectations and opinions of me.


4. I don't make friends because no matter how hard I try they don't stimulate me on various levels. I think of a friendship as no different from a relationship. It takes time, trust, being fun as well as serious, communication, chemistry, and commitment. so as of now not many people have the title.

5. I saw Lauryn Hill's most recent picture on Mediatakeout.com and I felt as though my prayers might be answered that she may come back and Educate, Mentally Relieve, and Effortlessly Entertain us with her music. ♥

6. I hate when people try to force their beliefs on you about anything. period.

7. I gave in and flat ironed my hair... damn should've gave the Chi away...

8. Yesterday I really experienced and appreciated Twitter while taking a walk.

9. When i'm really feeling a song i'll play it Over and Over. lol

Erykah Badu - Gone Baby, Don't Be Long

10. I love baked goods. cupcakes, cookies, brownies, cake, CARBS! lol

Something I don't like:


when men/women say that all men/women are the same. fareal? have you met or dated every man/woman? gosh if I had a dollar for everytime I heard this.

stay tuned for the story of how I lost two followers.. I have a feeling I might lose a lot more after the next post... but I can't apologize for being Honestly ME.

pennanddpaperr.

Who Is That Girl ?

So uhm, I feel like I should've did this in the beginning but I wanted my words to manifest in your brains and let you create your own image of me. I had no expectations in doing this but luckily for me it worked out for the best.


did I mention I love you guys?

I've shared my personal experiences and given you my sarcastic side notes, but i've never really divulged who I am as far as beliefs, personal life, music, religion, dreams, goals, random facts, and whatever else you might want to know so, my next post will be about this one chick Gwen Thomas aka Pennanddpaperr.

*I've already received some emails and a few Facebook messages asking me to speak on certain topics in my opinion so I'll be touching on those... and whatever You! would like me to. just leave a comment on this post, FB message me, or hit me on Twitter*

pennanddpaperr.

Don't Worry, I Didn't Say Your Name Sista.

I think you should know that the self righteous look doesn't look good on you.

I agree, which is why I don't wear it.

you come off like you're so humble and blessed to be liked by so many other bloggers on blogger but let's be real, its a act. nobody can be that happy about anything. especially people you don't know.

I guess you have yet to experience complete fulfillment from.. anything! because I am beyond blessed and humbled by every last person that takes the time to read and comment my posts. I don't know these people? I know they're minds and hearts. if that's not knowing someone then I don't know myself.

some of your material isn't half bad but then you write stuff that is just out in left field and nobody understands it. you're trying too hard to be deep and its a complete fail!

how can expressing myself be a failure? you didn't consider yourself failing when you felt the need to express your opinion, and I don't consider you having failed by not getting under my skin because you were searching for a reaction and I'm sure when you read this post you will have your own (:

"its all love Beautiful. I appreciate you telling me how you feel about my written works. while I don't agree with all you have said or even liked some of it, I respect it. a individual is nothing without individual thoughts. Blessings."

pennanddpaperr.

Where Are All The Good Ones ?

There was Kenny..
somehow he got hooked up with the girl I called my best friend,
That fucked with my then "man",
I was with,
steady,
for two years.
Jessica.
I still remember her red hair.
Horse teeth, body,
average.
but since she was a white girl, Outrageous.
gifted mind,
ignorant acts.
saw
The Gift in me before spoken words.

Then there was Josh..
came in swangin em'
Dimples,
Amazing.
And your voice,
Sing to my Ears,
That you love,
Release thoughts that have accumulated over the days.
And you really listen, and I really care.
Man I should've kissed u that night we sat on the couch,
Just chilling.
Damn.
victim of Love, He.
too good for many,
unappreciated by few,
still believes The One,
exists.

Met Chris..
at a park.
bricking shots.
Still claims that was a bad day.
Good day since we met each other,
and the party later was Live!
spent a whole night,
off of drink and smoke,
minds not there,
bodies in the same bed,
and didn't do nothing but.
Laugh.

Jay came around later.
a woman's dream but since I am a Goddess,
wasn't impressed.
talked about the sexes
that walk our Earth and we messed with.
dropping much needed and ignored knowledge.
hooked him up with my Best friend,
they're Solid.
treats her like a Queen,
I knew he would from the,
Beginning.

I'm friends with them.. ♥

pennanddpaperr.

No Game, No Lines.

I know this Flower

essence of a Nubian power

a Beautiful creation my thoughts,

soul Trust,

and True Love is willing to devour

may I shower a sense of Reconsideration

though I might be in the waiting,

Patience is a Virtue

so call my humbleness Love in the making.

pennanddpaperr.

Never Thought I'd Have To Write A Post About This...

so lately I have been getting some static about my recent poetry posts. whats wrong with them? <-- my exact thoughts. apparently, my poems "don't make any sense", are "unidentifiable", and a few other not so nice things.

welp!

I honestly dont know what to tell all you who have reached out and mentioned this to me. I write for myself and my readers are a apart of who I am and with that being said i've never doubted they wouldnt be able to
"understand" my work.

buuuuuut,

*i thought this would be pretty obvious anyway, with the personality i have*

feel free to hit me on Facebook or Twitter to talk about anything you read on my blog. complaints, personal thoughts/opinions, my personal thoughts/opinions, or shiiiiiiiit just to chop it up! :)

am i losing my touch..?

pennanddpaperr.

...And They Lived Happily Ever After!

dead.

that's the kind of Love I wanna have.

ain't letting you go for nothing else .

at first i'll exhibit Perfection and Polished but after awhile,

Our Love Not Gone.

Comfort Chains will pull Loyal Gains.

you'll stray but never forget Home.

Solid.

isn't that the real love story?

pennanddpaperr.

Damn, Twitter Got Me !

Yes, I made one! after all my anti - twitterness ... *hangs head*

to be real, I only made it to follow Erykah Badu *nods head and smiles* but a lot of you special people have one too s0o0o0o0o, WinWin!

are you going to... follow me! :)

http://twitter.com/skiesforeyes

*shoutout to the Dopest Chick to ever pick up a Pen, Tzitzi!

for letting me pick her brain on a username lol.*

"ily my writing wife , aha !"

pennanddpaperr.

No Cool Title .

its a everyday addiction,

this thing I feel.

born to Fly like birds who Soar in the sky

to ultimately end up High, on Cloud 9.

its a movement in many ways.

a dance of Laughs, Cries, and Smiles,

that caress me.

engulfs me completely

to gently rise.

its a Game

I have to strategically play,

getting inside the others head.

hating to love the Mystery.

but with each look

free falling.

it's a book never written.

the stories untold.

Ink or Lead never laid on Paper

nothing to behold.

its truth never considered lies.

mortal eyes never comprehend.

Love.

pennanddpaperr.

Don't Be A Nigger Ignorant .

A black person isn't just a 'nigga' and a white person isn't just a 'cracker' these days. There are positive and negative points to being any race and many different kinds of people that take on their own living version of each. While some exercise the 'good' qualities there are those that do other things...


1. There you are in the store, looking through racks of clothes or price checking groceries when little Keisha or Donte is running all around the store. Instead of stopping what you are doing, remaining civilized, and going to collect your obvious bebe kid, "KEISHA/DONTE!!! GET BACK OVER HERE!!!"


Don't do that!


2. You walk out looking like its laundry day, you're not done taking your braids out, and you wasn't planning on being out this long when someone well put together walks into wherever you are. You look them up and down, pick apart their appearance, and finally decide that what they have on would look better on you and "they ain't all that."


Don't do that!


3. You're walking around wearing brand names from head to toe, nails done, hair freshly cut, 'drippin' in cubic zirconias, pushing a nice whip, and swiping your EBT card like its a black card.


Don't do that!


4. Shirt, belt, shoes, jewelry, purse, highlights/streaks, nails: same color.


Don't do that!


5. Calling any woman or man a bitch or nigga.


Don't do that!


6. Going to community college for the financial aid check, claiming you're 'crazy' to receive SSI, or simply scheming to get ahead.


Don't do that!


7. That's yo 'nigga' or 'main bitch' but as soon as they're outta earshot you're telling something they told you, spreading gossip about them, quick to say yall ain't cool 'like dat', or plotting to get what they have.


Don't do that!


8. Walking out the house wearing tight fitting-damn near too small clothes, showing all your goodies and get offended when a man hits on you, says some slick shit, or simply looks at you the wrong way. If you don't want the attention, next time wear something You Know won't bring any unwanted.


Don't do that!


9. Failing African American Studies...


Don't do that!


10. Your hair is done , your child's isn't. You're well put together , your child isn't. You're wearing a jacket in cold weather , your child isn't.


Don't do that!


11. Going to church, recovery meetings, probation/parole offices, or the mall to meet a man/woman.


Don't do that!


12. Yelling across/down the street or out the windows of cars "yee!" Or "Ay baby!"


Don't do that!


13. Baggy jeans, grill in your mouth, hat low, using hands as a belt, singing off key out loud walking down the street, in front of the store, or where people have to walk.


Don't do that!


14. Cussing at your children in public and period. They're humans and need to be taught by example. they're capable of understanding and respecting verbal communication as well.


Don't do that!

15. You brought a child into the world by another troubled indivual adding to the pollution of lungs and lives and expect to be taken care of because of it, you are a African American male who lives life hindered by some self imposed slavery that you read in a book, or you rather kick it with ya 'bitches/niggas' smoking, drinking, and increase your chances of going to jail or pregnant than get a real job, expecting something for nothing.

Don't do that!


There's probably a few other things that bother each of us as African Americans but I'm hoping some of us are aware of the fuckery and will stop it on our own. Sometimes a person just needs to hear it from someone else, so let Gwen have been the first to have told you :)

*feel free to quit following me now*

pennanddpaperr.

A Fluid Reason .

the reflection in the water shows Me,

Myself.

the person everyone sees,

the person anyone can recognize.

the reflection in the water is showing Me,

I can be more.

it shows me Purified, Decent, Fulfilled.

when I touch the water it ripples,

like my eyes opening and closing to view the world.

I take it all in,

and it doesn't just reflect Me.

the reflection in the water shows me and who I've Become.

the reflection in the water may show the world,

but it'll always show One.

pennanddpaperr.

My Written Evolution .

*poetically firm*

ima Cum Deep.

ima make my words Cream written mind blowing fantasies.

Woah! far out freak.

She

had me throwing em back before we got

back to her crib, where i was just

dropping her off...

before she invited me

In.

*hangs head*

*exaggerated pause*

sorry didn't mean to leave you hanging.

thats just kinda how it felt when she was doing this thing called play plus 4...

*obviously lying*

and i wasn't into that shit!

i was looking for something Quick

and just wanted to

Spill.

My Seed!

*firm yet touching*

somebody has to Nurture this Generation.

Learn to Understand this Generation.

because every one of yal,

was once This Generation.

pennanddpaperr.

The Written Feline .

the sexiest animal is a White Tiger.

Aggressive yet Feminine, Independent but Loving.

Adaptive Territorians.

damn,

I just described a Strong Black Woman.

You know

the kind that look everything like their name,

but underlying is a whole bunch of,

otha thangs.

that all still manage to Intrigue You.

stands by her Man but dares him to Test her allowings.

had all mind blowing bodies back in their day until their Future Generation came.

yeaaaaa,

a White Tiger.

look "The Part" but still have them Strong, Prominent,

features.

to be only what a Strong Black Woman knows how to

Be!

them White Tigers are The Truth!

no wonder they're a Rarity.

pennanddpaperr.

A Crumpled Piece Of Paper .

man one time when we was walking.

She put her hand on my back and rubbed my arm saying how proud she was I done It.

You know, It!

The It where she-helped-you-with-assignment- and-you-acted-as-if-you-didn't-know-it-and-you-get-an-A-when-you-knew-it-beforehand-but-you'd-do-anything-t0-make-her-feel,

Appreciated.

I don't really be trying to get at her but shiiiiiiiiit she act like she want me.

i mean, i be in there getting all The Detail,

its going real good,

when she politely comes close,

her perfume in my nose,

and tells me she's glad she has me for a friend...

Yea dawg, a friend!

so in my head i'm thinking,

DAMN GIRL!

CAN YOU QUIT LEADING ME ON!

THE SHIT YOU DOING AIN'T FAIR!

I WOULD NEVER MAKE YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING

THAT REALLY ISN'T THERE.

but then I calm down,

because I can't imagine the process of becoming

A Woman.

the Everyday Challenges,

the Life Changing Affairs,

the possible Recreation of our species starting with One pregnancy scare.

Yea I'm staring baby,

I'm Appreciating you for all you are.

looking through your Souls Windows,

Deep in your seventh,

The Crown.

I'll be glad when you quit ignoring me because my gear ain't Fly, i'm not as Attractive as that other guy, you don't see me in a group talking about the next party, and I don't drink or smoke so I can't be entertaining.

Sincerly signed,

The frog in the pond where the Water is Deep. You passed, ending Thirsty.

pennanddpaperr.

Poetic, World - MY State .

in My Poetic World there's a Depth with every Word used.

a Underlined Meaning with every Thought

that comes to Life on a piece of Paper.

I build My World through Experiences

and add touches of bliss.

things I cannot get in The Box,

the State,

the World puts Him,

Her,

and will fail to put I in.

I Create Magic

with just a look to the Sky, Inspiration.

and Beautiful Words that Flow from My Pencil.

I Touch everything with Light Touches,

so I do not disturb the process of Growth

that Every Beautiful Thing Deserves.

I Understand that nothing is Perfect but Here,

there is Nothing Worth Hating.

even through Mistakes and Troubles,

everything steady Shines.

Gleams.

everything stands Tall and Proud

and although Very Different,

somehow,

fits perfectly.

In My Poetic World

I'm Seen for Spirit and Soul.

I'm Understood for the Experiences I Share,

the Burdens that I bared,

that never Hindered me because

Poetic, World

was there.

In My Poetic World I Write With No Barriers.

No What If's.

No Discrimination.

I Write What I Feel and What I See.

This Is My Poetic World.

The World That Has No Limitations.

The World That Sets You

free.

pennanddpaperr.

Speechless .

today as I sat Indian style on the living room floor eating Cap'n Crunch Berries, watching Little Bear on Nick Jr, and fitted in my purple feetie jammies .. don't judge me lol .. I was checking in with my blogspot family. ya know reading every bodies thoughts, feelings, and vital information when Blog Award by Don at http://minusthebars.blogspot.com/ caught my attention. *if you haven't checked out his blog and clicked Follow, HOW ARE YOU LIVING LIFE?! seriously.*

anyway, I mosied my way on to his page and got immersed in reading his Beautifully written thoughts, unaware how in a few short seconds I would be left ...speechless. he took the time to have his daughter read through his blog list *list of blogs the writer takes special interest in and recommends to others* and write down the ones she liked. well me being a newbie to his eyes, I never expected to even be mentioned let alone given such a ... Mind Blowing compliment.

"I recently came across this young sista's blog through Traci and, let me tell you, she is pure FIYAH. I am a unapologetic lover of Assata Shakur, the way she expresses herself so vigilant and yet completely intelligent manner. I believe this sista to be a younger version of Assata, herself." - Don

may I quickly say, before the waterworks, that I am on cloud 9! I am Too Amazed, Happy, Humbled, Overjoyed, and Honored right now. all I could do, besides reading it multiple times as I was sure it would disappear from what I was convinced was a dream, was cry, laugh, jump up and down, and try to wipe my eyes faster than the tears could gush. I was close to the living room entertainment center and I'm accident prone lol. many thank you's to Don and his daughter and of course every last beautiful person that has taken the time to read my words, follow me, and talk to me personally. every last one of you means So much to me and because I know I can't find the words to describe how you make me feel, I won't even attempt.

just know, I LOVE YOU !

pennanddpaper.

"These violent delights have violent ends."

He was always told

he'd be a Star,

every coaches favorite.

He never complained,

about running the laps

for he knew they were just the basics,

and that when in the Game

the muscles he built

would help make him so much better.

He awed all the crowds

as he shot and shot,

made it,

and more than likely got the steal.

the girls went wild

they oohed and awwed

and wished one day to date him.

little did they know

One girl sat below

wearing a content and sweet smile,

She knew He was Hers and She was His too

They were going to go mile for mile.

They shared bright days

and handsome nights

that they never wanted to end,

complimenting Each other perfectly

outside and in.

She was always there for Him

through Any and Everything

and no matter where He was

She was on her way.

to a game, a date

to dinner, or just to chill

to buy a gift, to sit by Him

in the crowd cheering.

She was the Ying to His Yang

His Right to Her Wrong

and they felt Together They were Strong.

sirens blared and yells were heard

the cops where on their way,

the ambulance wailed

trying to think of a way,

to break through traffic that day.

the sky was grey

No sunshine

it was even really Cold,

this was the day Antwan Died

not Body but his Soul

to see Her laying in his arms

blood seeping from the wound,

he sees Her Tears

fall from the eyes

hes always loved to look into.

if only He could go back in time

from when the trigger was pulled,

acted a little quicker

dove in front of Her

did something to make this better,

to stop the Pain

from making Her body shiver

He lost The One

He truly Loved

there would be No Replacing Her,

along with Her

He Died as well

Never to be the same,

He longed to Love Her

just One more time

in that Special Way,

but even Romeo and Juliet still would've Died

in a hood tragedy.

pennanddpaperr.

Popular Rarity .

I think she was Haitian

her body vibrating

on the dance floor

all her Mans boys checking for her

strutting with a mean walk

a real Diva

had all her girls Envious

stare that said

I'm

better

than

You.

Never the type to bring home to Moms

Pops had a couple back in his day.

messed around and got her Pregnant

you knew nothing about it

busting something and wasn't thinking about

no

Condom.

can't believe You gotta Man up

while She Playing dress up

like that Lustful night didn't produce

Reality

F the world.

its You and yo Shorty

ain't trying to hit the club with yo boys

no more, Jones in ya Bones

trying to Do The Right Thing

now

a Real Job,

ya know a 9 to 5,

keep him laced in the Jays.

that you'll put in your car window

as a Memento,

to remind You of his

Significance

when he's not around

always feeling a Man

was a real Man when he had

diamonds, hoes, and a bankroll

until his Jr took his first breath.

Selfishness was no longer a option

Food, Clothes, Security and Safety

making his Future Proud

was Respect in itself.

you're doing The Right Thing.

gotta keep telling yaself

cuz doing Wrong is So Easy,

Influencing badly,

Creating bad habits,

flying solo,

is no more.

cuz a Real Man,

Mans up and takes Responsibility for

His Actions.

it gets No Realer than

a Boy becoming a Man

a Man becoming a Father.

pennanddpaperr.

Dear__ 10 - 1

Remember, the 10 to 1 is basically writing down the 10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people but...cant, won't or just haven't. And I don't say who they are :)

1. To the guy that holds my heart without his conscious hand, I love you. Luckily i'm not saying names... although silk, the many cocooned feelings are daring to break open and well, I just can't deal with the butterflies.

2. To my giggle buddy. i'm aware behind your jokes you love me, in a way that I will never give you the chance to, openly. I guess I should one day tell you sorry..

3. To a immature, insecure, unaware shell of a being, i'm convinced your life is slowly falling apart and you can't handle it. I always think why don't you ask for help? and quit thinking any word you don't want to hear is attacking.. but Janet said it best "she's just not ready."

4. To a new found interest, i'm playing it cool. I think you are too. That is all.

5. To the only person I have ever been able to commit myself to, do right by because I always wanted to... always felt I didn't have to try to... and only needed to. you are the best! there is no one else that can even slightly compare. seven years strong!

6. To the one that didn't care to stick around, i don't blame you. sometimes it is better to leave the cards where they lay... or in our case the bowdys where they loiter and the swishers behind the counter. we will always have parking lots.

7. To the emerald eyes of a mystery, when will you tell me what you want from me? if we played Scrabble would you at least spell it out for me?

8. To the beautiful glasses wearing mother of one, that saw me for what I really am, you helped me find myself when I was unaware of where to look.

9. To the makers of Don't Mess With The Zohan , shoot yourselves. *this counts, I didn't say and don't know the douche lord names!*

10. To the giver of my life, that luckily didn't have to push my over sized head out of something lemon size, know that you are my heart and all the vessels that are connected. you keep me going.

Sincerely, the amnesia having young woman that will never utter the names to who she has addressed all real feelings To.

pennanddpaperr.

Scene: Now.

this Music today is nothing more than Nonsense to Beats that control our heads to nod with them.

that keep us Limited to what Good Music is by making it Hard for Real Lyricist to get In.

forcing those who are Non-Conformists to be cast out as if they are Not Worthy.

making it Hard for Desires to ever end their Journey

and start their Climb to Public Stardom.

Adored by many who are Familiar to them,

but don't feel them.

i'm Not complaining.

okay I Am, but i'm just saying!

can we get somebody who's not just into making Hits and being the Shit.

but taking me on a Journey of Lyrical Description.

that can Change my Mind.

reverse my sigh and let me get High off the Rhyme

Not completely slaughtering the Genre that I grew off of,

putting my expectations in a box and clouding my mind of options.

maybe I should start Rapping.

attacking the Art as if i'm famish,

trying to make a point of whats Real and Artificial.

introducing ya Mind to New points and Ideas.

keeping you Interested in the Real World.

make no Mistake.

this isn't about Hate,

but a quick Thought of what We consider Real Music Today.

pennanddpaperr.

It's Been Great Blogspot.

I'm nearing 100 followers...

*bites nail*

AND I'M ECSTATIC !!

*spins around in computer chair laughing and squealing*

when I first started blogging it seemed like getting even one follower was going to be a challenge, what to write, what audience to appeal to, be myself or be commercial, and any number after was just going to be luck. nearing 100 is truly a blessing. even more exciting than I imagined it to be. I guess its true what they say about having no expectations because this is frickin awesome!!

*huge smile plastered on face*

I have met some of the Greatest people and read from the Greatest minds! if I could just live near a few of you, ahhh it'd be too awesome to be legal! (:

many people start off blogging to share their life, express their feelings, and so forth but while we all start off for a reason and with a purpose, you can walk away with so much more IF you open yourself to anything and everyone. with the honorable privilege of meeting amazing people, I have found myself through my blog and I just simply, from the bottom of my heart want to Thank Everyone that has chosen to take the journey with Me and take the time to get to know The Real Me as well. (Facebook) it has been such a wonderful experience and I couldn't have asked for more by just being accepted and appreciated by you guys!

All My Love,

Gwen .

p.s.

if you've been wondering where all the regular posts have gone, this month I along with some other special folks have decided to participate in April Poetry Month where for the full month of April it will be a poem a day. don't worry though my loves, the posts will be back after April... possibly a few throughout the month. going to stay with me? (:

Mainstream.

i'm sorry. I could never be no Puppet.

dangling from little strings, a team telling

me where to go, when to eat, how to be

all about Image, i'm damned i'm a Woman

sex sells, but i'm a Publicity Virgin

cast me out if you have to, i'll make it

i'm a True Artist, gimme a palette i'll Create It.

I can't be fake, so why'd I sign

the Industry? my True Art? Compromise

picking and choosing what they want to hear

i'd Never underestimate my audience's ears.

they say they're trying to Mold me, into what? I ask

some classy looking video chick, where the first thing they say about me,

a Person,

is "damn you see that ass?"

sorry Nicki didn't mean to diss you

I mean are you a Facade or is this the Real You?

they all "entertain" but there's just one issue, i'm not trying to stay Top 10 visual

I wanna be #1 to millions Mental, Spiritual

sharing my words Vulnerable

I guess that's why I write, 100% Individual.

pennanddpaperr.

Whenever, Wherever

I Write In My Bathtub.

where the water is hot and my words can only sink to the bottom before

they rise and float and find Me.

I think that's what they call Weight.

my words carry much.

I Write On The Toilet.

as I let waste pass, i'm letting new words Bless these Pages.

before, I didn't have much to say

now i'm working on Words worth engraving.

catch me walking around town,

big brown eyes

"hey Gwen, I remember when you said this...

I Write In The Car.

words jumbled up, writing ugly up close and afar.

what can I say, I gotta show it.

put it out on Paper, let it flow from my hearts home

and

hope later I can decipher, these words I wrote

Writer.

I Write Standing Up.

no time to prep or be comfortable.

do or die, now or never.

not that serious? or you're not that clever

Energy flows up

i'd hate to have ignored them Words and they'd been Best Sellers.

I Write Sitting Down.

where I can feel up and feel around

tossing here, tossing, there, but these Words Stay Bound.

no shaking hands, most of the time no distractions,

my Paper, Me, and Pen

the Best Interaction.

I Write In The Kitchen,

Hungry for new ways to Replenish

what Water couldn't give me Eternal Refreshment

I guess it's Mental.

Writing my Meat, Feelings my Bread, Ink my Drink.

this ends Well Fed.

pennanddpaperr.

PLEASE Stop Back By !

as I was checking my New comments that needed to be approved for Blogger I was drinking a Cherry Limeade Chiller from Sonic and was so wrapped up in the WRONG thing I accidentally pressed Reject instead of Approve for the comments. =\

I know one of the special people that stopped by and blessed my posts with a comment was Don and the other... some wonderful Young Woman that is going Naturale.

so if you are reading this...

"I would be very appreciative if you took the time again to write comments on the posts that you did because this genius(sarcasm) made a huge mistake and would LOVE to get the chance read your thoughts."

my, i hope they see this... =\

on a lighter note...

Welcome all my New Followers! thanks for joining all the written madness that is Pennanddpaperr(Gwen). I welcome you all, new and seasoned(not old lol) to add me on Facebook and get to know me. I'd love to get to know you. (:

*sits pretzel style and adjusts laptop on lap*

awhile ago, back when I was a 'blog virgin' and uncertainity clouded my writing judgement. I did create, in my opinion, a wonderful self breakdown of myself in hopes that it would motivate many Young Women to do the same and embrace what society and even ourselves would consider flaws. check it out if you haven't --> http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2009/10/perfection.html

and for my fellas, can't forget about you guys. you are just as special and important as us women.

check this out --> http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2010/01/someone-had-to-say-it.html

and finally, if you just want to get a better understanding of the mind you have chosen to peer into --> http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2009/12/dropping-jewels.html

http://poetikily.blogspot.com/2009/12/he-just-doesnt-know-better.html

Hope you all enjoy!

pennanddpaperr.

Bald Guys Never Have A Bad Hair Day.

after many attempts to try and go Natural ..

• NOT washing my hair for long periods of time ... *yuck!*
• twisting with different products ...
• getting kinky twist ... <--- the hair used, slipped out in the first few days

obvious, F A I L !

my sister Bernice told me that there is in fact a way I could go Natural even with my hair type (silky and soft) but she's not exactly on board with the idea so she is keeping the secret recipe to herself. chicken balls! so ive just decided to go Natural my own way.

• NO more flat ironing
  

*my sister Karen has already asked would I sell her my Chi ($200 flat iron) but I can't even begin to fathom the Idea of doing that!* I promise not to use it! but I just cant part with it.

• NO more curling iron
  

• NO more gel or hairspray
  

• NO more combs or brushes
  

I will be 'finger combing' if I feel the need to.

• NO more blow drying
  

heat and my hair have never been friends. it causes dryness and frizz. *hate that!*

so a simple wash and condition when i'm in the shower and a little Luster's Pink Oil Moisturizer *<--- been using it since I was a baby Gwen lol* after I towel dry my hair when I get out.

and Wah lah! this is My Natural. likeeeee? :)

pennanddpaperr.

When Boredom Set In .

Suppose I loved like you.

There'd be no new Fruit to pluck in early Spring if I loved like you.

Nothing to show for Harvesting and Growth, just weeds that make the prettiest thing look remote.

Loving like you.

I can't understand why you love like you do.

When I say I love you

and you thinking you're playing me, say "I love you too."

That's just the way you love, don't chu?

Acting like you.

You should be a Oscar Nominee for the work you do.

Not you?

Can't all good actors perform like you.

Crying, Smiling, Laughing, Hurting.

Emotions produced.

That's your job while mine is steady loving you.

But let's talk about me.

Loving like me.

Its harder than you think, loving like me.

Underpaid, emotionally enslaved, this job don't have no benefits.

Why do I stay?

Sitting at home, by the phone, why do I stay?

Haven't been out since our second date, what date was that on?

Don't think it was even a date, I think it was the last time we went out trying to be adults, talk it out, and makeup from your last fuck up.

I'm just saying.

If loving like you was this flash before my eyes as mine glazed over with a transfixed smile.

This will be our last date.

*i promise a REAL post next time and no more poems lol*

pennanddpaperr.

One Word Tag ...

i was Tagged by Miss RayvnRae @ ravynrae.blogspot.com/ to do a one word Tag post.

*i love things like this! (:

Here we go !

Hair -natural mess of curls ( :
Your Mother - my he♥rt

Your Father - still fairly new to my life

Fav Food- chinese and italian

Dream last night - i dont remember ...

Fav drink - water

What room are you in - living room

Hobby - writing/blogging, shopping, working out

Fear - losing my mommy

Where were you last night - home

Something that you aren't - stuck up , i'm really helllllaaaaa cool ( :

Muffins - warm blueberry , yumm!

Wish list item - 2007 infiniti m35 <--- plan to have it by summer!

Where you grow up - Murda Dubz East Oakland

What you are wearing - grey sweats, green&&black "Pimp The System" tshirt, and whitegrey&&green Jordan 7's

Your Pet - miniature black with brown paws dachshund, Princess

Friends - n/a

Something your not wearing - jewlery

Fav Store - Target

Fav Color -Purple

Last time you laughed - about an hour ago. my sister is tooo funny!

Your Best Friend - Kiara Beverly. almost 7 years strong!

Best Place you go over and over - home. no place like it.

Person who email you regularly - email? lol text, bbm, aim, or hit me on facebook.

Fav place to eat - Olive Garden

I tag:

1. Kela @ hellokela.blogspot.com/

2. Robyn Latice @ journey2maturity.blogspot.com/

3. Sweet @ myaffinity32.blogspot.com/

4. Cook.The.Poet @ http://lyricalthoughtz.blogspot.com/

YOUR TURN GUYS !

pennanddpaperr.

For Me ?!

today i received The Beautiful Blogger award from the very entertaining Cook.The.Poet @ lyricalthoughtz.blogspot.com/

*leans back in chair, sighs, and big smile appears on face*

you have no idea how good it feels to be selected to receive this award. i have quite a few now where some have never experienced receiving one so every time after the first one, which by the way is still very much a wonderful memory, is simply a humbling experience. thank you SO much Cook for giving me this award and all the other amazing people that follow my blog or occassionally pop in. I L♥VE YOU GUYS!
*enough of the awards show acceptance speech lol... sorry i just get reaaallly happy (:


So the rules go as followed::


*-Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.*

-Copy the award and paste it to your blog.-

*Pass this award on to 15 fantastic bloggers you have discovered. *

-Contact your nominations and let them know they've won.-

*drum roll*

AND THE AWARD GOES TO!!!!!!

Chymere @ thesweetheartchronicles.blogspot.com/<---- beautiful writer , always something uplifting and inspirational

Sandi @ zeebruhhh.blogspot.com/ <---- her random tidbits are definitely worth stopping by to read

Miss Traci @ beautyinrareform.blogspot.com/ <---- she definitely has a way with words and posts are always The Truth

Ashbee @ visualbite.blogspot.com/ <---- her blog tells the truth with no apologies. she beats me to a lot of my own topics lol.

Caroline @ hotpinkferrari.blogspot.com/ <---- she's a newbie to me but i'm already digging her straightforward choice of words *thumbs up*

Ravyn @ ravynrae.blogspot.com/ <---- she's had me following her posts since My Pen "Gosh! i felt you girl." lol

Chloe @ chloeespenilla.blogspot.com/ <---- i mean c'mon, she likes the Golden Girls ! that in itself is deservant of this award. I LOVE them brawds!

Tashay @ drmsvsrlity.blogspot.com/ <---- point blank , she makes me feel as though im sane. ♥

CONGRATS MY DEARS !!!

so uhm, you know what you and i have all just realized? *shrugs* ... that was nowhere near 15 bloggers lol. i guess i can't hide the fact i dont follow many people now huh. honestly, i have been meaning to change this fact. maybe now will be the best time since we are all giving shout outs to our personal favs. a lot of blogs i follow are written by interesting people that like interesting people sooooo yeaaaaa (: *makes a mental note to take the intiative to read everybodies awardees Tomorrow because she is too tired Tonight* <--- with that being said ... zzzz!

pennanddpaperr.

They Ask Me Why I'm Deep .

they ask me why I'm deep.

why every word that leaves my lips seems planned before I speak.
they don't look at the full form, pink, beauty mark adorned flesh that once kissed a thug goodbye,

cuz The Lifestyle eventually claimed his life.
no, they just ask Why.

i cry for all the Single Mothers.

they sure don't have the time to cry for themselves.

to let one drop of emotion fall from their,

Eyes.

see more than where I am trying to be

but from studying can tell where all the MisEducation and Ignorance is going to lead.

that's what I preach to these blind Young Folks of the world

that think its all about that boy or girl.

that has only felt hands.

not Passion.

can you feel mine?

does it melt your heart and strengthen your mind,

take you on a journey,

Mine.

has beauty you never see.

artistic ways, a gifted change

no longer planning, trying to mentally just Sustain because,

who can survive with no core?

I can't survive with no pen.

if stripped of everything in the end,

ill always have my Think-ing.

broken hearts, tarnished name

mistakes Intentionally made, I WAS DUMB!

and it was fun...

they ask me why I'm deep.

I just put my words out there, scramble em around, and recite them again.

aren't you just as deep as me?

you tell me I'm speaking your life's story

really?

i thought you was you and I was Me.

come here and let me give you some Poetic Justice,

let me whisper something in your ear,

show you that these are just Words you hear,

"We All Have A Story."

pennanddpaperr.