Monday, May 31
sometimes you find yourself struggling to be nice
everything she tell you can counter your opinion
wondering how you can clear the fog with the best of intention
so quick to have the answer for it all
yet you jump when your man call
you talk about others and how they rear their children
but yours is doing lord knows what cause you ain't never with them
always speaking on what you'd do in others situations
like your wiser than the next, your life epic perfection
your read the paper and agree to cage the man
who killed a man for reasons you don't try to understand
all you see is unjustified population control
but it was the murderers paycheck the dead man stole
its okay to imprison the N****s who posts on the corners of the streets
even though he's there to make sure his kids eat
N****s judge promiscuous women quick to call them hoes
She may have been molested by some male family member she knows
you feel superior to those addicted to dope
but its okay for you to hit the weed to help you cope
so stupid is the girl who gives her money to her man
but she never had a dad to let her know for what she should not stand
we congregate to damn those in the clubs and not the pews
the questions is who needs prayer more, them or you?
you look down on those who engage in same sex love
like you walk on water and are in a place to judge
you detest those in huge homes and who's bank holds a lot
you don't give away shit, yet you on eBay trying to sell any extra you got
I know I'm talking shit, venting, trying not to hold a grudge
but it pisses me off how we're all so quick to judge.
Sunday, May 30
i refuse to be one of those women that makes excuses for my gf/bf when they do wrong, don't do what they say they're going to do, or whatever other situation may arise.
it is just not in my nature.
— settle for : to be content with ... BULLSHIT!? not Gwen.
sorry, no can do.
I'm not looking for anyone perfect but i definitely need 100% of them. fuck that 50% junk. you give 100 and I'll give 100 and our 200 will be the perfect start to take over, Monopoly.
you have to settle for half of me.
(probably wouldn't know what to do with all of me anyway! lol)
Thursday, May 27
that was the theme of my 19th birthday shindig last night.
like my boy @FadedFelix - negroidyouth.blogspot.com said "...i'm glad you lived 2 tell the tale lol."
*face in hands shaking head "Me TOO!" lol*
i figured after a 8 hour shift at work, passing my last two finals with A's at school, and just looking waaaay fresh, i didn't need to go home. for what? to try finding space in my closet for some new shit ima buy with all the moolah and gift cards i received and watch reruns of Sex & The City; i can do that annnnyyytime!
to my potnahs house we fled.
*names wont be mentioned to protect the
only my major cool folks in attendance with their minds on the same ahem, festivities as myself.
major rounds, crazy toasts, and no less than a dub rolled in each blunt we played dominoes and slapped "That's My Jam!"s into the night.
i would share some of the pure comedic moments but you weren't there and probably not high so you wouldn't even get it lol.
....damn i should've took pictures!
but its cool, i got it up here. *points to noggin and smiles*
Sunday, May 23
Not me but the things I have.
Yea, the things I have.
I used to think this thought was me being a complete #Spoiled #Conceited #Bitch (woah I need to stay off twitter lol) but looking at it over a lengthy span of time, I'm seeing, It is what it is and this is what it is.
She's never been ahead of me in anything. Relationships, Gear, Socially, Grades, Life period. I've endured the less pain, the less disappointment... and the rest of that shit people who've had it hard, say to somehow make anyone who hasn't been through the Exact shit feel guilty.
Having seen this #fact for awhile now, I've reached out. Tried to connect, BeClose, tiiiiiiight, folks! but who I am and who she is & steady becoming isn't meant to be, even if I wrote the story.
I love her regardless, but I refuse to forever be blamed for my proactive-ness in my life because 1) i pay for everything I have 2)have been through my share of pain but refuse to let it keep me down 3) and know my worth.♥
I hate to say it but, Get Like Me!
Saturday, May 22
I look forward to falling asleep every night so when I awake in the morning and my eyes adjust, I can look at my New tattoo! This is true love. Falling in love with the same person/thing over and over :)
The people at my job are going to start thinking I can't count. My drawer has been over twice and short twice. Wtf Gwen?! ...I'm so tired of seeing that pad with the write up slips attached =\
Lately I've been watching a lot of iCarly... ?
I met this guy that has the weirdest way of talking. No fa real. He says shit like "man that's like tieing a knot around two kangaroos" ...what does that have to do with me saying "there should be a law against a slice of cheesecake being bigger than myself"? .... Exactly!
Its been two, almost three days since I've been inked and I already know what I want my second to be. Of course it will be awhile, since iRefuse to let anybody else scrape my skin but Jeff and he's booked till August. Soo it'll be another well thought out, perfectly placed, happy ending when I finally do get countlessly poked again.
Lately, after getting high, instead of eating(LOL) I belly dance to whatever music plays on my mix Cd's. Its been working wonders for my abs. No lie.
I think I have OCD when it comes to washing my hands. I haven't reached Monk stages but Curel and myself have forged one hell of a moisturized bond.
*i only posted this because i wanted to elaborate and on Twitter I'm limited to 140 characters before i have to use Tweet Longer and have (cont) at the end of my very entertaining thoughts :)
Wednesday, May 19
When a scorned woman heals
She looks in the mirror at beauty
She don't just give up the booty
She is more than a woman
She's a queen
She's the backbone to her race
She does everything with grace
When a scorned woman heals
She is not the skin she's in
It doesn't matter if she's plump or thin
She let's her assets shine (Skill)
She's a mother, friend, sister, or
Lover with no problem with strings
She's not caught up with little things
When a scorned woman heals
She let's her Diva status show
She is a showstopper
Turning away all the bed hoppers
She's smart and strong
She's too fierce for any man's arm
She's the power couple all on her own
When a scorned woman heals
She begins with a kneel
She worships her god
She holds her faith
Knowing the man in the black race is becoming extinct
She's let real love in
She's not judging your sin
She's loving you genuine
Pay close attention to see if your scorned woman has healed!
Tuesday, May 18
before my moms slow ass laptop took its time to load and i suddenly became fatigued.
i was thinking i would just spill my emotions out into this post and let the numerous eyes that read judge me for the things i would say... and then i thought me saying what i originally wanted to say out of another whirlwind of emotions would be easier in a 10 - 1, but i didnt want to speak background words that would never reach the soundtrack....
i don't even want to mention the words i wanted so badly before to say because, the subject isnt worth my time or energy. in fact as i write these words and my eyelids become heavier, i can't remember why i ever wanted to utter them.
because i was looking for comfort.
some divine act to make me suddenly feel better about everything and stop this rollercoaster ride, some random tweet to make me smile and never have flipped up and ran toward the keys.
guess it won't be happening tonight...
Monday, May 17
Oh a woman destined for success,
With Native African roots,
I'm guaranteed to flex.
Who am I you say?
Just a woman with dignity,
Who puts pride in herself,
With the utmost scrutiny.
Who am I you say?
Another independent chick,
Who has her own money,
and won't settle for a broke guy,
with a nice stick.
Who am I you say?
Someone who keeps it real,
Who won't give a damn,
about how you and your home girls feel.
Who am I you say?
A lady with integrity,
Who'll only accept the best,
To represent M*E*
Who am I you say?
Maybe you shouldn't be concerned,
Is that what you lack in life
No business of your own to learn?
Who am I you say?
No, who are you?
Present me with an answer,
Cause as of now,
Saturday, May 15
And someone could probably count all of my teeth
But now lately my face has become droopy, sluggish,
Some say it looks I'm not getting any sleep
The gap on my face used to stretch and curve for miles
But now it's a straight line that's extremely petite
Never knew a smile could be anorexic
Maybe I should get off this stress diet and find some joys to eat.
Thursday, May 13
Time Machine via http://rachelmckibbens.blogspot.com/
1. Three truths you learned by the time you were ten-years old.
2. Three beliefs you still have, despite the truth.
3. Three things that feel like heaven.
4. Three things that feel like hell.
5. Three pieces of nature that are massive.
3 Truths I learned by Age 10
* Santa Clause is ... a big fat phoney! << remember that from Family Guy?!! lol
* when you shave you cant do it dry. you NEED water and shave cream dawg.
* at this age, you WILL look back and laugh at how you dressed
3 Beliefs I Still Have, Despite the Truth
* MJ was never broke.
* you can be in a committed relationship and never cheat... -__-
* Tupac is alive!!
3 Things That Feel Like Heaven
* looking good, feeling good, sun shining, mad shit to get into... when everything is going right.
* more $$ on ya paycheck than you calculated *thumbs up*
* poetry and lyrics that speak of your past and paint your present.
3 Things That Feel Like Hell
* unaware of a blinding love until your eyes are no longer dilated...
* everything going wrong... luck is undiscovered.
3 Pieces of Nature That Are Massive
* Does shit count? Lol..this world is full of it.
* Green grass. But no side is greater.
Ten to one was better.
Monday, May 10
the period had to be used seeing as how he wasn't asking or waiting for a answer but stating openly that he had me figured out.
you can't be serious? -_-
since i walked past you and your boys with a tight pair of distressed jeans and a off the shoulder sweater, a slight shake of my side swept bangs and a polite smile but gave no response to your unmatched oral ignorance compared to your demeanor, I'm gay.... ?
although i didn't ask, Ive wondered since this incident what would make someone say this, besides the offended ego.
most people read body language.
you're in the mall with your boys/girls, see a cutie and try to get their attention by walking by, stopping and chilling in a noticeable area, or whatever your approach is. you look in their direction in hopes they will lock eyes with yours and if they do, they will smile or wave and that's your que. maybe I'm too smart or... maybe I'm too hard... or maybe I'm just ridiculous but in no way did i give any sign of Hey! hit on Me. I want your attention.
I'm always in some way flattered to be hit on though. no cockiness intended.
its like when you're married. it feels good to know although you Should be untouchable someone out there thinks of you enough to let it be known they want you.
and i so was! when we drove in the gas station immediately i noticed him. or i should say them. standing in a group, loitering outside of the Arco. all different shades, heights, places in their lives but he stood out. i thought it was because he was one of the tallest. then i decided it was his smile.
boy what a smile!
but finally i realized it was the way he commanded the attention of his crew. all standing against the wall laughing an nodding their heads feeling the words coming out his mouth and he, with one leg on the curb just entertaining the masses. gear, smile, height, color, i liked! but me being me, as soon as i stepped out of the car...
Ive been told i play hard to get but in my opinion I'm just playing the game better than them.
although no unnecessary emotion or attention was shown to any of them it didn't stop Mr. Certainty from pursuing.
the line, 6 people long waiting to be robbed by one slow cashier and what do you know he's too my left getting straight to His point "you got a man?"
woah woah woah! no hi, how are you? I'm ___ ?
*Gwen smirks and remains silent. arms slowly start to cross and a slow sigh escapes her body*
"so you not talking huh? i see. well I'm ___. wow finally! and you are damn beautiful. id like to get to know you better."
*insert Gwen looking at him SO CRAZY! stepping back, cutting eyes, and him backing the hell up*
"can i get $25 on three. thank you."
*steps to the side, turns to fool, hands crossed, lips pursed, and weight shifted to one side and waits*
"wassup ma, whats with the attitude?"
*Gwen laughs to herself and realizes she has to get on fools level*
"well Pa! i was wondering when you were going to say something worth listening to. when you were going to tell me how your interested in letting me get to know you. how although you are outside hanging out with your boys during work and school hours you are doing neither but possibly doing both and this is just your day off. how besides the fact you do want a chance to get with me or know me you know how to go about it with a little more tact. i was simply wondering if you cared to know the persons name of who you are so interested in "getting to know."
*prolonged silence and fool attempts to say something*
*Gwen holds up hand*
"don't say sorry, i already know you are."
i walk out the gas station the same way i came in. grounded in my spirituality, secure in my sexuality, confident in myself personally, and comfortable and happy being single because its not some incurable disease.
"oh i see. you're one of them stuck up gay females huh."
Saturday, May 8
I remember him across the street and walking at the same pace. Maybe me a little slower than he.
Me being who I am and he who he was and the situation being what it was sparked this whole comparison to life and the white man. How although we have influential people of color that are recognized, being a common person myself we are steady struggling to become a mere number counted.
My brown frame simply trotting along as if I didn't have somewhere to be, a purpose, a place. Enjoying nature, a unlimited play list, and worried about my hair and clothes staying in place. He, headphones, probably playing something boring, to me, was moving fluidly. Was all about getting there and making it. Quicker than me.
He was serious.
I've listened to many African Americans complain about every race, especially white people, weather it had to do with opportunities, way of life, differences, and although at times I've had to agree, most of the time I couldn't help but be disappointed in my own people.
We don't put half as much time into our education as we do when it comes to what we're wearing when we go to get that education. We don't put half as much time into doing our jobs like we do when we're in desperate need looking for one. We don't think about saving money for a rainy day until its not just raining but pouring and you need money to just exist.
We don't think to run instead of walk.
Sunday, May 2
as she continued talking, although me sitting salt & pepper shakers across from her she didn't seem to notice or maybe even cared that i wasn't a ounce intrigued in what she was saying. as long as i was breathing i was worth her own sharing. as i gazed at him he gazed back, silently sizing one another up. myself, $300 Original Burberry printed button up, $100 Guess jeans, and $300 Burberry shoes. him, no labels and yet his outfit cost more than mine did.
i finally snapped out of my gaze when i found myself wondering how he could look at me with such disgust... it started to become evident as my eyes started to uneasily wonder away from his. probably sensing his presence was being dismissed, belittled, and eventually ignored because i was just another spoiled teenager that couldn't understand let alone feel any compassion or understanding when I'm used to having "everything given", product of my environment
i looked up into her MAC adorned face and caught the end of what she said "... i just don't understand people like that. all this tax money I'm paying out."
"so because you're paying taxes you feel like you're doing your part?"
"I'm just saying that extra 50 or 60 dollas they take out of my check for taxes could be a extra pair of shoes or something."
I am opposed to the system of society in which we live today, not because I lack the natural equipment to do for myself but because I am not satisfied to make myself comfortable knowing that there are thousands of my fellow men who suffer for the barest necessities of life. We were taught under the old ethic that man's business on this earth was to look out for himself. That was the ethic of the jungle; the ethic of the wild beast. Take care of yourself, no matter what may become of your fellow man. Thousands of years ago the question was asked; ''Am I my brother's keeper?'' That question has never yet been answered in a way that is satisfactory to civilized society.
Yes, I am my brother's keeper. I am under a moral obligation to him that is inspired, not by any maudlin sentimentality but by the higher duty I owe myself. What would you think me if I were capable of seating myself at a table and gorging myself with food and saw about me the children of my fellow beings starving to death.
my thoughts took me outside to where i walked up slowly to the gentleman and extended my hand "Hi, I'm Gwen and I would be honored if you joined me for lunch." he smiled wide showing healthy white teeth and extended his wrinkled hand that knew first hand hard work and replied "I'm Paul and that sounds mighty fine."
Saturday, May 1