Wednesday, December 30

Leave But Dont Take My Heart .

What is it about a breakup that makes the person you stopped caring for or felt you needed space from suddenly more desirable than ever? Is it the fact you no longer hold their world in your hands that reintroduces your brain to the thrill of a chase yet again? Or is it that by breaking all ties you're suddenly stronger and have a better protective shield when it comes to their 'super love'? I'm not one to walk away easily, in fact I'm more than likely the one standing there alone in the end, but as time wears on even when compared to pain and hatred, love still outweighs it all. so are we unintelligent daredevils that enjoy the emotional rush of ups and downs that come with relationships or are we all, no matter what we say, still holding out for that ONE that we always saw potential in to see the potential in us.


Tuesday, December 29

Woah Bro !

Lil Chuckie from Young Money looks like the character Dr. Carver that created the peanut people in Proud Family .

That's It .


I Changed My Mind .

Once upon a time, I was all for Extenze for men. I liked that. I dug that. I would've voted on that. Hooray! for the man trying to keep hope alive by getting a little "assistance" to give his woman or man pleasure. BUT when I saw Extenze at the counter in 7-Eleven for $7.99...

Enough said .


Sunday, December 27

Picasso ?

what would you say if I told you that art can be found anywhere? In anything? That the things some people would frown down and sneer at could be a art?

Like what? Like rolling a blunt.

Yea you read correctly. Rolling a blunt. The expertise it takes to fill a swisher with your choice of fixings and roll it up with no loose ends or unnecessary saliva.

Easy. You think?

There's something about sitting there easily breaking down your weed, gutting, wetting and filling the swisher that can easily intimidate a regular person. How do I get the weed inside? How do I re-roll it? How do I get it to stick? The need to create a clean finish so that the lungs can easily welcome the filtered smoke. The personal way of holding your hands that folds the contents into a single bar. The simple feeling of pride when its done while those around you appreciate it for just what it is. Among the many trys to accomplish this task and unsuccessfully achieving the goal one can get frustrated and sloppy. Possible swisher ripping from it being too wet and a inability to keep a steady hand.

Have you ever seen someone roll a blunt, figured you could do it and ran into this problem? Then you know sometimes it takes a artist.


One Of Them Days .

on days where its cold and rainy outside and toasty inside, i tend to do a lot of thinking and writing. i listen to a personal playlist of songs that are touching and somewhat therapeutic. i don't know about you guys but i cant always listen to them club bangers. sometimes i need the music to be just as vulnerable, emotional, and real as life can get, and today is 'One Of Them Days.'

*these are just some that i enjoy on days like this

Suffocate - J. Holiday
Unthinkable - Alicia Keys
Sunshine - Floetry
Cant Get Right - Jagged Edge
Love - Musiq
Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill
Sweet Love - Anita Baker
I Love You - Dru Hill
Doin' Just Fine - Boyz II Men
In The Morning - Jagged Edge
All The Man I Need - Whitney Houston
Where I Wanna Be - Donell Jones
If I Aint Got You - Alicia Keys
Sweetest Thing - Lauryn Hill
I Don't Wanna Hurt You - Latif
Diary - Alicia Keys


The Results Are In ...

and Nicki Minaj is The Most Overrated Artist !
she won by 18% clocking 45% to strip the title from both Beyonce and Lil Wayne with matching 27% scores.

well Nicki, seems the new ass implants and animated rap style isnt enough to win everyone over but dont worry girl ! you still have niggas mind fucking you while disregarding your talent and females losing their minds and their damn selves trying to be you. bravo !

NEW poll ---- >


Wednesday, December 23

Once Upon A Addict .

13 people with the same problem sitting in a circle. Flimsy, aluminum, folding chairs holding each of our jittery bodies. Waiting to one by one stand up and tell our own personal experience of our addictive downward spiral. A instructor with warm smiles, twinkling eyes, and a annoying habit of reminding us all that everything was going to be okay. I didn't feel okay. I hadn't rode the highs and lows today or simmered in the warmth and relaxed in the cool. I hadn't heard that infamous greeting when I asked for exactly what I shouldn't have been spending money on. As my patience wore thin and I became crankier by the hours in between each indulgence, those that loved me were more than convinced I needed help more than ever. So there I was forced to be. At this place. In this room. In this circle. With these people. Hearing their pathetic stories everyday. About how they rushed out of jobs and classes, argued and yelled for rides, regularly asking and begging for money and waking up in the middle of the night or early in the morning to rush to the overwhelming call. To love when it was in their hands and hating when it was gone. I half listened. Not ready to yet admit that those descriptions of reality were no longer undeniable in my life. Had something so innocent and recreational suddenly become my bittersweet longing? Had it without notice become the first and last thing I thought about night and morning? I sat among my peers. Those like me. Those that shared in my inability to deny myself what I felt I needed. One week. Two weeks. Three weeks passed and then I was ready. To tell the truth. To take the first step and admit, yes I have a problem. After a fellow user stood up and told his story, speaking my hearts feelings and my brains words, we clapped and gave nods of support. The room then fell quiet after a couple of rehearsed words from the instructor and it was my turn. I uncrossed my white fitted jean wearing legs and straightened my purple off the shoulder waist length sweater. I momentarily stopped fidgeting with my over sized gold heart necklace hanging down my chest and stood on my peep toe purple suede stiletto adorned feet. I rose slowly, took a deep breath and for once in a year finally spoke the words that i would have never thought would have been uttered by my lips, "Hi I'm Gwen and I'm addicted to Starbucks."

*True story.


Tuesday, December 22

He: The Ignorant .

i feel as though men, Black men are so easily seduced by the wrong things. like this myth of the 'hood', fast cash, the superficial comparison to success. believing that these informal friendships and communities are just going to falter without them poisoning its people. there they are completely undermining their own best interests by misguidedly favoring this "hustlers mentality" only to preserve their ghetto neighborhoods and their "food" because they have to "eat" when in fact the 'hood' itself is not what it has been made out to be. there are no 'hoods' until gang like opportunists rush in and fill it up with fear and poison. it makes me wonder if maybe the troubled relationship between African American men and women is where the problem stems. slavery and racial oppression engendered it, and poverty, economic insecurity, and lingering racism sustain it. there quick to always blame society and America but how much truth is in that? we have strong, beautiful black women that will stand by there men and weather many a storm for them but have men inflicting these society imposed wounds upon themselves by betraying those who love them. how? by the ways they bring up and abandon their children, their self indulgences, the ways they relate, or fail to relate, to each other, the values and attitudes they cherish and the ones they choose to disregard, denials and deceits and of course through their ideas about their neighborhoods. or could it be rap? it has been reduced to another version of violence obsessed white rock. they sit around embracing this misogynistic, self loathing noise of 'gangsta rap' sponsored by Euro-American companies and ignore the fact the lyrical content is full of rhymes of malice that ultimately you cant relate to but conform to fit. im not saying im right but because only they as individual men can find the antidote to heal themselves, i have nothing more to say.


Saturday, December 19

I'm Sorry, But I'm Not A Fan .


A fan or supporter is someone who has an intense, occasionally overwhelming liking and enthusiasm for a sporting club, person (usually a celebrity), group of persons, company, product, activity, work of art, idea, or trend.

sorry peeps but the definition above does not describe my feelings for the new Young Money artist Drake. while he has a undeniable talent for putting his words together quite nicely he just doesn't whip me into a frenzy like most. don't take what i am saying as hating because I AM NOT but i don't run to my computer every time a new Drake song comes out to download it nor do i listen to a song strictly for his verse. i most definitely give him his props for dropping one hell of a mix tape -crowd goes crazy- and having "Thats my jam !" singles because i was no no doubt slapping it in my car, BUT until he drops a better OR equally impressive album you wont hear me saying "Drake is my favorite rapper."

( this could change in the future. )


Monday, December 14

Lemme School Ya '

* from a complex intellectual whose blog you follow ( :

(i dont always talk about nonsense lol)

The writings on the wall hold all the evidence,our ancestors were God's and Our women were Goddesses, The rest of the world know's the truth and acknowledge it, except for the kings that act like niggaz in ignorance ,no diligence our Queens are called bitches but embrace the hate, and reject the correct teachings of the masters, but if the God's are niggaz why wouldn't the woman be bitches because MAAT isn't practiced ,so what's left is disaster that strikes the innocent of descendents who were kings and queens, and rightful custodian's of the Earth who were charged to keep IT clean, IT being the spiritual and physical and Universe, combining of the two to create an individual, who's viewed as a God from a reversed state of being, we have stooped so low to our present state of pleading, for jobs equal benefits, and air just to breath, smoke weed and abuse alcohol our mind we're never freeing, but freezing the growth of a righteous Form of Unity, that would truly bring back rightful forms of democracy, hypocrisy is practiced because no one even checks it, but the ancients kept a healthy surviving record of there message, so pop those books open, Act and stop hoping, because faith without works is dead and even the scripture teaches that, your so drained of your intellect you hate black and everything associated with the name, so you claim yourAmerican in fact, you've never been American you don't understand, you have no privileges like a European White Man, so you stand for nothing at all and fall short,because you stand alone, where Unity isn't involved the root of the movement is dethroned, so thank the Creator for making you strong, but the strength is within so what is taking so long, get back to where you Belong .


Friday, December 11

Slap That Nigga Back !

it has been forever since i have written something. geez what have i been doing with my life peeps? NOT A DAMN THING ! smh. todays subject ? hm theres so many.

thinking... thinking...

oh i got it ! something that made me almost spit out my fruit punch vitamin water.

there they were. a average Jody and a average Joe. a average pair. a regular couple. everything seemed to be alright between the two and neither deserved more than 5 seconds of attention but Jody herself received about 30 of mine. (she had on really cute shoes ( : as i sat and sipped, they mosied on to their car where they shared a kiss. she drops his hand to get in on her side of the car and Joe wipes his mouth and follows. he reaches her side of the car, grabs her by the shoulder and LITERALLY SLAPS THE HELL OUT OF HER ! ... gasp ! ...

what happens next !!!!? I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

after she quits seeing splotches and colors and shit she starts to cry. no why?, no crazy look, no WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!! seemingly apologetic for getting the shit slapped out of herself.

ooh wee ! -clenches fist and rocks back and forth in seat-

Joe has walked back to his side of the car. unnerved that his gf/wife/fiance/side chick whatever could be blacking out or shit! have a damn concussion with that supreme pimp slap he landed on home girl, and is getting into the car. she is trying to talk to him but he pushes her, closes his door and proceeds to back the hell up and bounce ! poor Jody, there she was looking lost. like she got mugged, lost her puppy, and got dumped all in the same day. she walks over to where I'm sitting.

yal, i ain't say a damn thing because you cant just get in anybodies business these days and sometimes folks don't know how to react to being helped. plus if my ass had just been slapped across the parking lot i would be trying to be invisible. psh.

she looks over at me, i can see her looking out of my peripheral, attempts to say something then stops short and says nothing.

okay, maybe shes not ready. lets try again.

another look, and finally "do you have cigarette?"

a cigarette? i guess she needed something to calm them nerves.

"nah sorry i don't smoke. i have some gum though."

lol wtf was i thinking? gum? what was she going to do, inhale the spearmint on the wrapper! smh.

she replies "no thanks" and continues to try nursing her very obvious bruise.

GODDAMN ! i wish i had took a picture !

i wasn't able to hold my tongue for much longer and i started to talk to her. she told me about Joe, how he has been "the love of her life" for the past TWO ABUSIVE years. how hes 4 years older than her and her moms always had a "feeling" about him.

bet she wish she would've listened now. hmph.

how he had cheated on her twice and always begged to come back. to be better for her and there 1 year old little girl. how she moved from her home state with him for his job relocation. how she has no friends and cant have anyone in the house because hes jealous AND how that was her car that he smashed off with.

no offense but if i was just reading what i wrote i would think sista girl was white but NOPE ! she was a sistah.


i know abuse has no race but alot of times white girls take that abuse shit like a champ. usually a sister would clock a nigga back or hell call "pookie and dem" and get the shit popping but here was this poor little black girl lost without a pot or a window. smh.

i asked her where her daughter was and she said daycare. she breaks down crying about how she just wants to go home. how he can have whatever is in the house, the car, the money in the accounts but just wants to go home. some real Tina Turner shit, yal. so i take her to get her baby AFTER buying Jody a jacket. it was cold as hell outside. and wait with them both at grey hound. i buy her a ticket, gave her my number and some money, and wished her luck. she gets on the bus and all i can hope is that she takes this experience as a lesson learned and uses it as motivation to better herself and her daughters life. (super cute little girl)


i know it has got to be hard dealing with a man whooping your ass. in fact, i know it is. i have been abused before and its no picnic but it took me ONE time to get my ass up and leave. to sit there and have some sick ass person hit me because they cant control their emotions is ridiculous. it actually makes me think of the Chris Brown and Rihanna situation. everybody made the situation into some huge thing when from many reliable sources, it wasn't the first time. now wtf is her problem? shes pretty, rich, solid career, seems to be a good person despite her darkening appearance, and has spoken multiple times about how supportive and loving her family is; so what took you so long to call the police? are you really that desperate? that lonely? that insecure? its only going to take a normal person a couple times to get tired of that meaningless word sorry before it clicks that this nigga ain't sorry. this nigga need some help ! but there they are. thousands of women making excuses, living lies, and feeling god knows how many emotions to where they don't want to get out of bed let alone look at themselves in the mirror. bitch, can you get a blunt/drink/pack of cigarettes, pick your poison and slap the share my world Mary J album and watch waiting to exhale!

maybe I'm coming off a little harsh, FUCK YOU ! I'm just blunt and straightforward ! but fareal, i sympathize with any woman that has faced a abusive time in their lives and i commend those that have came out of it stronger and wiser but it should not take a person having to put their hands on you for you to see the light or should theyre be some little person; child, involved for you to want to get out. many would say its a process and hey, whatever you say. you wouldnt sit there and consistentaly burn yourself knowing its going to hurt. why let somone use you as their personal punching bag knowing that shit aint no type of turn on. life is precious and its not to be taken for granted.

and after saying that,

fuck the physical attachments; the sex cant be that good and the nigga that fine. fuck the emotional attachments; love isn't suppose to hurt. and SUPER fuck that nigga for even thinking hes of any other sex besides BITCH because REAL MEN dont hit women.



Sunday, November 22

NEW Beyonce ft Lady Gaga

woah ! what the hell was Beyonce thinking in this video ?! most artists don't have much say in the things they wear or do in their videos but Beyonce is a mega star and this was just ..smh. "speak up nigga !" i of course have read a couple hundred opinions about the performances of both Beyonce and Lady Gaga in this video and you know what, I don't give a damn because my opinion is the only one that matters. nah just kidding. YOU guys opinions too ! ( :

umm where was i going with this ? ... oh yea !

this video was awful. just garbage in my opinion. sure it had the two biggest stars in music in the same video but it just didnt do nothing for me. i didnt even want to snap my fingers to it because i was really looking at Beyonce like "what the hell are you doing ? " I'm glad to see Beyonce has got her weight back up though. for a minute she was looking as though she was going to disappear. (MTV Awards/Jay-Z The Blueprint III concert on Fuse) from the beginning i was completely lost and could easily see that the video was going to have nothing to do with the song, let alone Beyonces little "outfits." I'm not sure where they were going with the little things they were doing and playing with but it was a hot ass mess. i do like the song though. DIGG Lady Gaga but not exactly a fan of her being on the remix. shes artistic and a good artist in her own right and i applaud her effort to step outside the box. her lyrical content and vocal styling wasnt as bad as i assumed it wouldve been on a R&B track either. i have listened to the Telephone song they have out and hm, its another controversial subject of like and dislike. big ups to both ladies coming together and shaking up the scene a bit, but im just not sold.

" Can we get ANOTHER remix ! "

pennanddpaperr .

Friday, November 20

One Lie After Another .

  • " I Don't Suck Dick . "

if i had a dollar for every time i heard this line i would be one rich motha. the number of women that lie about this subject is too outrageous to not feel compelled to say "girl quit lying !" or at the least think your own personal thought or two. i understand that it is a personal subject but some of you females suck so much dick yal should walk around on your knees ! its okay if you do or don't, but why lie? when did pleasing our partners become this shameful act that people are afraid to admit and talk about. its not IF you do, its who you do it with that matters. you cant do the damn thing with everybody because not everybody is safe and clean ! And what you wont do, another woman will. Remember that.

  • " Ive Only Slept With 6 People . "

i have never came across a woman that didn't like sex. weather it was intercourse, anal. or oral she partook in it and enjoyed it. what person doesn't? its like music, its universal, but unlike music woman are not lying about how many different artists they listen to but instead how many people they have done "the do" with. i don't have anything jaw dropping to say about this topic because i understand that by being a women we are looked at differently from men when the number of partners we have had exceed a certain number. its not right to lie but what is a woman to do when most men will quickly be disgusted and quicker disregard her of being anything worth giving respect and time to. personally i say SCREW EM ! dont be ashamed because you like to get it in. hell, if men where on their jobs in that department we wouldnt feel the need to change partners. hmph!

  • " Like My Bag ? "

you feel the need to validate the person you are and you are rocking a fake Louie, Gucci, or Coach. who do you think you are fooling? what woman does not follow fashion and can spot one quicker than a broke man. you feel completely self conscious while out flaunting it and as soon as you see someone with a possible real one, you just want to hide under a rock and go back to when you stuffed all your personals into that bag. why put yourself through the torture? save up for the real bag and DON'T lie when people ask. havent we not learned anything from Sex and The City?

  • " I Don't Wear Makeup ."

sure you don't. and as soon as i get close enough to you i see pressed powder and foundation marks. i don't knock makeup. i love it ! but women, yal need to quit talking about i don't wear makeup and this is natural when you know you a natural lie. threes not many people in this world that don't wear makeup weather it varies from a little to alot. even the most beautiful women on television wear makeup and A LOT more than we all would have thought. makeup isn't intended to be something we hide behind but to give us a confidence boost, to enhance what we already have, and to give us what we all love : choices.

  • " I'm 21 " When Im Really 26 .

i was young, well younger once upon a time and their is always that one guy that is older than you. you don't think he notices you so you lie about your age so he will take you more serious. lol kids. and now as we age their tends to be a younger guy you want to take you serious and you lie about being younger. woah ! what the fizzle ! i have seen both being done and it makes me wonder, why ? we age ourselves to be younger or older and most of the time we end up being called liars when found out and alone in the end because the jerk wasn't even worth the initial lie. we should feel comfortable at whatever age we are and it should not be a problem because feelings don't have a age limit. men want the "PYT" but later complain about the lack of maturity. then they want the "older woman" but very rarely know what to do with her or how to survive in a more mature relationship, so screw them ! they cant even decide what they want.

  • " My Hair Is Real . "

i don't know what it is about weaves but females become big time liars when they get them. they flaunt em like they grew the shit themselves and didn't just go to the local beauty supply store and have a home girl sew it in. some weaves do be nice, no lie. Ive never had one but they can transform a person and give a woman confidence which is always beautiful, but when you come in contact with those one brawds that just feel like you cant tell them shit because they know they look good, it makes me want to shake the glue, thread, or whatever else they have in their heads out of em. you just had a short brown bob the other day and now you walking around acting like you Naomi Campbell with long luxurious locks. who are you fooling? i ain't hating, I'm mixed with good hair, just don't be making yourself look stupid when everybody and their mamas can see "that ain't you".

  • " That's Just My Friend . "

yal kill me when yal say these words and i just saw you the other night hugging all up on your so called "friend". its not impossible to have male platonic friendships but if that's what you are claiming, then at least be telling the truth. you bring him around saying hes just your friend, trying to hook him up with another friend, and later that night tieing up his phone line and playing "overprotective" when another female is making a move. either make it official or do it wiggling because sooner or later you are going to have to face the light. something happens to the "arrangement" and yal quit hanging so tough, itll only be obvious yal "broke up."

  • " Im A Size 6 ? "

all i am going to say is "Wear proper fitting clothes" . everything that looks good on "barbie" isn't going to look good on you girl ! everybody is different and have different body types. you have bigger stomach - get a bigger shirt ! you have a bigger butt - get some bigger pants ! why must you walk around looking like a pregnant Mexican ! get it together because the shit is NOT cute and nobody wants someone looking all sloppy and bloated.

any who, that's just some of the things that women lie about that bother me. feel free to quit following me now. ( :

pennanddpaperr .

Tuesday, November 17

Can All The Real Women Please Stand Up .

Madd Shout Out To My Girl Robyn Latice !!!
faithful follower, awesome blogger, and just dope ass female . (rare)

"Thanks for the award love. !! " ( : FOLLOW HER !!

aite getting to the blogging point ... speaking of getting to the point, i love that song by Marques Houston and Tank. AND Marques Houston and new wife look really cute together.

but yea ... lol

these last few days i have come to the realization that bitches ain't shit. geez Gwen are you just now realizing this? nah. not at all. i just don't usually "go with the crowd" on topics like this, or topics in general until i can speak from experience. but like i said, these last few days have definitely made me a believer. Ive come in contact with two or three ignorant bitches in my time and even had to literally slap the shit out of a couple BUT, i never just felt the need to say the words, bitches ain't shit because in my personal opinion all females aren't bitches AND not every female is the same.

bitch is the new "nigga" . alot of females play around and call their other female friends this word and are quick to jump mad when they are called the same by the opposite sex or another female. while some females call themselves this word like its what their mamas named them, others refrain from it considering it offensive. why everybody feels the need to be the "baddest bitch" i have no idea but hey! whatever floats their boats. my point is, there are women who have "bitchy" tendencies and then there are some REAL BITCHES ! them brawds that are better suited for dog houses instead of real houses.

there is a HUGE problem when people from the same sex cant be friends because of the immaturity, ignorance, and plain cattiness that is shown effortlessly almost immediately between females. its always he said/she said, pointing of the finger, and fighting IF its not just a bunch of "barking" that usually ends in people wanting to apolo"lie" because in due time, its guaranteed to happen all over and that apology wont mean a damn thing. what is the problem? why are we giving men a reason to shake their heads at us and call us bitches and say with a straight face that we ain't shit. when have guys ever quit kicking it with other guys because of petty nothing ? never. they know how to squash shit not harbor it. females don't even hang with females. waht the hell ? what happen to girl power and sticking together. have we all forgotten how precious we are and how the world needs us. not to mention the way we should respect and love ourselves regardless of anybody else doing the same. we are the givers of life, the role models for future generations, the gift god created for man, the independent strong woman in every single family household. we couldn't even do the damn right thing back when God created us. Eve just had to eat from that flippin tree ! greedy bitch ! see what i mean. even a young woman has to call another woman a bitch from time to time. pathetic. not me, no. not you, if you ever just had to say it, because sometimes it really does have to be said BUT the fact that we all have really came across one or two or ten! that have really just needed to be called one. so what do we do? we get our shit together. quit expecting every nigga to pay our bills and buy us our hearts desire because of what we are giving them in between our legs. every female has it and there will always be someone out there just aiming to please a nigga only to keep him. if i was a dude and i could get a whole lot of something for nothing, i would be on it. psh, and they all love you when they feeling good. go out and get a job, go to school or back to school, work on having your own car, your own place, your own everything. you will appreciate it more and those are things nobody can take from you unless you let them. we have to quit making guys are number one priorities and focus on loving ourselves. really getting to know our strengths and weaknesses, taking better care of our bodies and minds, reading books, art, studying different cultures, treating our bodies like the temples they are, quit belittling ourselves and lowering our standards and expectations for the men we get involved with because we want somebody. key word : WANT. we don't need them. every man wants and needs a GOOD WOMAN just like we want and need GOOD MEN in our lives. fuck the practice losers, when we find HIM we will know in our hearts and automatically know what to do to keep him and get him because we are intelligent people. too many times women are looking for men and just people to validate them, why ? if you cant look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful flaws and all and that you love you, you definitely don't need anyone.(read my Perfection blog) and also, REAL IMPORTANT ! we have got to quit blaming every guy for the last ones mistakes ! i cant stress this enough ladies. it is okay to be a little guarded and skeptical because you have a right to know what you are getting yourself into but, you cant forever try making every guy that comes along pay for some loser that isn't thinking shit about what he did and damn sure ain't having a hard time moving on. not every guy is the same just like every woman isn't the same. we have got to be confident in ourselves that way we wont be so insecure with future relationships. be real, sometimes its not what he said or did that made you quit talking to him its the fact that for that split second he reminded you of the last dude and you got scared. its cool. we have all been there but we have got to quit or we'll end up losing out.

now after saying all that, i stand up and applaud ALL the REAL independent women in the world. that really are doing it for themselves and rolling with the punches and coming out smiling. i know i have two of the strongest, intelligent, beautiful, African American queens in my life that are the true definition of independent, classy women. they set great examples and i am so so so blessed to call them my sister and mother. because of them i am forever working at becoming a better woman.

pennanddpaper .

Saturday, November 14

Lets Talk .

my cousin is a psych major and this year one of her professors has given her class a assignment to interview someone of personal interest that embodies passion, strength, maturity, and intelligence. they are to ask them any array of questions that can give any person reading or watching the understanding of the characteristics above. she calls me up three days ago and asks if i would be willing to do this assignment with her saying as soon as he handed the assignment out the first person that came to mind was me. wow, that's so humbling. i of course agree and i thought i would share some of the questions she asked and my personal responses. give you all a chance to further understand the person whose blog you follow.

how did you feel about being in head start and preschool ? you were young like most who start. did you adjust alright?
yea, i was fine. i don't remember my mother ever having a problem like some with leaving their kids. like i said, i loved it for the other children my age but at the same time i loved all it entailed. i liked to learn and read and write and being in such a positive environment. not saying home life wasn't positive because it was. very. but just the atmosphere of educational playthings, games, learning with friends, my teachers... everything was just alot of fun for me.

do you think starting early in programs like these has helped you since being older?
definitely. it started me early to automatically question things and at least get a better understanding of things i didn't understand or know about already. asking questions, self teaching myself little things, and everything else still plays a role in my life today.

do you think education and success go hand in hand?
i think education is important, yes. hand in hand? not always. its not guaranteed anywhere, in any college recruiters "speech" or educational pamphlet that you will be a top paid whatever in any choice of whatever you plan to do. all they say is if. IF you take us up on what we are offering you, you can POSSIBLY be like this person that makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. now if and possibly are far from exact and yes. and the question of what do i do with what i have "earned" after i finish this tedious period of studying and testing if there is going to be anyone willing to give me a chance or let alone even take me serious is still unanswered.

sounds like you aren't pro college ...
i am all for college. I'm not anti anything that can further you in today's world. what I'm saying is that that the people in charge make it hard to get into school, sometimes out of school, and then before those who graduate can finish celebrating, they are faced with the harsh reality that living in the economy we do today, there isn't going to be a possibility for employment in the field they left families for and literally sacrificed every little dime to pay to be educated enough to be taken serious or even considered.

so college is bad?
no college isn't bad. that's not what I'm saying at all. what i am saying is that college isn't for everybody. going to college isn't going to always be the deciding factor of whether you make millions or flip burgers. Kanye West went to college, dropped out and wrote a three times platinum album about it. some will say 'well he raps' and that's true but what about your own special talents? what they tell us is if you have a dream go after it. nothing is to big or small, but they dont tell us how to get it. they dont tell us what to do when he or she cant get a job after all the money and time they spent in college or why they are now working a entry level job just to pay off the cost of going to this wonderful college. there are people with college degrees that are doing absolutely nothing with them, wishing they had a job at McDonalds or Burger King that were at one time making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. nothing is guaranteed, point blank period. college isn't a guarantee that you are automatically going to be successful. getting a degree and graduating is success in itself but how can you equate that to not being able to have a place to live, putting food on the table for your family, paying for health care or even putting your own child through college? its only a piece of paper if you cant get the job. with the way the economy is alot of people wont be able to even afford to go to college and then what ?

are you in college?
yes im in college but im not expecting anything to just happen for me. the same realities are in my face as everybody elses and when there is 500,000 people wanting to be writers or lawyers or whatever, the game is on. its play to win. survival of the fittest. who is going to get it and not. and the same question remains: what happens to those that dont? i put it like this, youre damned if you do and damned if you dont. you have to make the decision. you have to be prepared for anything.

do you believe everything happens for a reason?
yes and no. there are things we have no control over and then there are reactions for every action. now what you take out of that is entirely up to you, but me personally i don't believe in coincidences. i feel as though anything we do is going to later affect us whether on a small scale or large scale and the people we let into our lives play major roles in that too.

do you think its important to have a trusted few friends versus alot of friends?
i don't think its a must but for some it is. some people like and sometimes feel the need to have a strong amount of peers around them to feel a certain way. ever since i could remember i have always been "popular". wasn't something i tried at but something about me as a person that just drew people to me. all kinds of people. alot of those people are no longer in my life for various reasons but they served there purpose at the time. i don't have many friends to this day but the ones i do have are very dear to my heart and i appreciate and love them very much. i dont many more than them.

do you stand alone?
you only have yourself in this world. moms, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, you have them. until something or someone strips them away from you. im believer in being completely independent. its okay to ask for help but me personally, i want to do things my way for myself. i want to look back and be like i did that, on my terms, the way i wanted it to be done, and I'm happy with the way it came out because it was my vision being executed and produced.

do you see yourself as being unique or different?
of course i see myself as being different. I'm definitely not aiming to be like another.

does it bother you when people assume your like everybody else?
not at all. i love it. because in the end they're the ones that are going to have to come back to me or come to sorts with themselves that 'hey shes not like that other girl' or 'she isn't like anybody ive ever met or talked to' . i mean there are people that have been around me for years that still don't know things about me. I'm multi dimensional. I'm abstract like art. different textures, colors, brushes, and all that. just when you think you know, i switch, and you have a whole other mindset or so to speak person, to figure out.

some would say that's not being honest. you agree ?
i don't look at it as being dishonest, i just feel like everybody opens up at different times about different things. i don't feel like knowing everything about someone is going to make it any less shocking when they do something out of their character or when somebody sweet says something controversial and disturbing. getting to know a person is one thing but having to know everything about somebody is the end of the work. when you know every little thing about a person the fun is over. boredom sets in. i don't want people to get bored with me. not like me, whatever -laughs- but bored, no.

are you a good person?
yes. i haven't always been but now i can say i am.

why now?
because i have grown. i have matured. i have loved and lived and made mistakes. i have forced myself to really be honest with myself and love me for me instead of conforming to what everybody thought i was or wanted of me.

do you feel as though mistakes are key to growing up?
i don't feel like its key, because we automatically grow up -laughs- but its definitely part of the process. you can be thirty and still act seventeen -laughs- but mistakes are life lessons. we either grow from them or we let them keep us bound. Ive done things I'm not proud of that i still wish to this day i could take back but i cant, so i keep them fresh in my mind. not in the sense I'm constantly guilt ridden but where i can humble myself and never make the same one again.

are you ever been mis perceived?
hmm i think at times but then again alot of the time I'm not. there are so many different parts of me that if on different days one person was to see me and talk to me about a certain topic and by chance 5 of those people somehow met and the topic was me i could see how none of them would agree on who i was as a person. -laughs-

whats something that anybody could see about you no matter the circumstances?
uhm, that I'm intelligent. i read alot and i like alot of everything from music to food to things i watch, so i grasp a little knowledge from everything i take in.

you are obviously really intelligent and unafraid of being who you are and standing for what you believe in, who can you attribute these qualities to?
definitely my mother Cynthia, my older sister Karen, my nephew Lamari, and my favorite cousin Thornton. they have all showed me in one way or another that it is okay being exactly who you are and being intelligent as well as well informed about the things that surround you and the world you live in. that change is possible if you want it bad enough and as long as you feel the change within everybody else willing to take the time to look, will too.

anyone famous?
of course. i look up to people like Lauryn Hill, Alicia Keys, Maya Angelou, Erykah Badu, Common, and President and First Lady Obama. they are all gifted artists and figures in this world that have faced adversity but remained true to themselves, their beliefs, and carried and conducted themselves with nothing less than strength, class, and integrity. never giving up and always being openly intelligent strong African Americans while comfortable in their skins. they prove that African Americans aren't all unintelligent, uneducated, ignorant, unaware beings and its a beautiful thing.

well readers that was some of the "interview". hope you enjoyed !

let me know what you thought ! ( :

pennanddpaperr .

Friday, November 13

NEW Chris Brown - Crawl

so i came across the new CB video and of course on YouTube there is a plethora of different opinions, but since this is Blogger i am free to say what i want without all the scrutiny.

i personally think Chris did his thang and that people are being way to harsh on him by saying it was " wack " "weak " and " he needs to give it up " . i mean lets be real, if he had never did what he did to Rihanna everybody would still be hanging from his nut sac ! sure what he did wasn't cool, but people make mistakes and if they were both just regular people NOT in the spotlight it wouldn't have got the publicity it did nor would any of us had gave it a second thought. he is still a very talented artist aside from his personal choices made and the song was good. i don't think he should give it up or just quit. he is way to talented and was one of the biggest young stars in the industry before that incident with him and Rihanna took place. suddenly because he loses control and shows hes actually human and not some perfect polished plaything nobody likes him or his music ? pathetic.

pennanddpaperr .

Damned .

have you ever felt like no matter what you did it was never good enough. like no matter what you said it was never going to be the right words. no matter how many heartfelt apologies were spoken, people were always going to hold the things you wish you could just erase against you. its like no matter where you go you are always going to be this awful person. this outsider that is not safe around emotions and hearts. this possible human that might make some mistakes. i mean haven't we all made some ? haven't we all wanted to go back just one second where you stopped yourself from putting that drink to your lips and drinking that one sip too many or spoke too soon before speaking or even before saying leave ! when you only want them to stay. maybe I'm just a naturally stupid person that cant do anything right, or maybe i just used up all my good choices when i was younger. idk ? but whatever the case I'm not making any progress these days. - sigh - when i don't say anything, why no words ? when i do, why so late ? I'm too honest, your mean ! not honest enough, youre a liar ! - puts face in hands - when did trying have a right and wrong time and being given a chance become the life long goal.

I'm out of answers, solutions, and optimisim..

pennanddpaperr .

Thursday, November 5

A Walk With No Food .

for the people that wanted to know:

" i usually just write what randomly comes to me. sometimes i want to be deep and sometimes I'm just writing out the side of my neck .. since I'm not necessarily " talkin "
lol - that make sense ??

last night, as me, my cousin and 2 friends are leaving one friends house we walk past a Taco Bell. then a Burger King, drove by a In && Out and a McDonald's and finally walked past another McDonald's , when i had a epiphany ! - " I need to go to Tiffany's ! " Nicki Minaj is a fool for that lol but nahh ...

how the eff is people that are walking suppose to get " fast food " if the only things open late at night are drive thrus ! they ain't going to let niggas walk through that bxtch so wth are we suppose to do ? lol

when i voiced my opinion about this, my cousin and 2 friends thought it was funny and a game but i was dead serious . i mean really, what if i was homeless and hungry and had just made 3 bucks and shit and was feigning for a burger and not a "hit" and fa'sho didn't have no car, how would i get my burger that i just know is going to be schmackin ! when i cant walk in and i cant drive thru ?

" that could really eff up a persons night."

pennanddpaperr .

Wednesday, November 4

Neglected Much ?

i must admit i have been neglecting my blog and all my wonderful followers - who i refer to as my specials because followers just sound so ... ugh, so i guess i should tell you guys whats been going on in my life, right ? okay .

for the last few days i have been walking more and more. just around. if you live where i live you will know that even while moving you cant expect nothing exciting to happen. my niece is out here for a few days though. we call each other cousin because shes a few months older than me even though I'm her "auntie" lol. shes way to funny. we tend to have a jolly ole time together. surprising since when we was younger, we barely could stand each other. its funny how time changes stuff.

when she first got out here it was pretty dead. us just posted up somewhere, looking for someone to hang with or just witness some "action" and like we expected : nothing. but she lived out here before so she already knew what was up. i figured it was because it was the beginning of the week, but it is now Wednesday and people will be starting to make those weekend plans today and tomorrow and i plan to have some plans too ! hmph.

yesterday wasn't to bad though. it started off slow but was a nice day of reminiscing and charms suckers ! yum ! got hit on by a very cute 25 YEAR OLD ! who was sitting in the backseat of some female car while she was driving and had another female in the passenger. so you have no car from what im seeing, sitting in the backseat not even the passenger seat, thinking you're a player if these bxtches are anything to you, your 25 hitting on a 18 year old who told you shes 18, and you have a metro cellphone ?! are you kidding me bowdy ! yuck ! cousin met some catt ass nigga, who SEEMED cool but then again i know first hand looks can be deceiving because him and his "cousin" who was "on the way" must have drove off the rode and DIED because suddenly no text replys or answered phone calls from him.

hm. i wonder what Gwen is going to say to her cousins friend when she sees him or talks to him ?

so we decided to go the bowling alley. after all i smelled too good and looked too good to be in the house last night, so we dipped. we made our way to the bowling alley where i whooped her twice in Fast and The Furious racing and we was *merkin niggas on some shooting game.

you know the game guys ! the one with the colorful guns, foot pedals to reload, and the like huge ass screens ?! yeaaaaa !

anyway we befriended a group of 4 white boys. surprisingly i went to school with one and had coincidentally seen the other earlier that day when we were at the park. my cousin, personally not into white guys. me, i dont discriminate. we both did agree on the fact 3 out of 4 were really cute ! so we gave them conversation until i got bored with them and decided to leave. as we are saying our goodbyes and turn to leave, minding our merry business and heading to the exit we see a group of black people.

5 nigs and 4 disgusted lookin hags.

before we could round the corner, the immaturity started .

"eh ma in the yellow. ma boy wanna talk to you . "
lets break down this sentence shall we.

  • eh ma ? - i don't have any children and i don't respond to being called like a fuckin animal
  • ma boy ? - that nigga better man up
  • want to talk to you ? - then HE should have got his ass up

the CORRECT way :

  • he should have gotten up
  • approached me
  • said excuse me
  • then proceeded with whatever else he was going to say

now whether or not i talk to you from that point is unknown but that's the ONLY way you can even think to get conversation let alone a "phone number" from me.

but anyway we went to ihop - i was hungry. was talking about all the events of the day when 2 really cute guys walk in.

guy 1 : milk chocolate - NOT dark , 6'1'' , tapered fade, nice teeth, green eyes, seemingly athletic build, and a great smile ! (african american, french)

guy 2 : honey brown, 6'3", lined up curls, dimples, muscular, great style, sexy smile, and something about his eyes ! (puerto rican, black, and asian )

now we're sitting in ihop at 12:30 at night so you can pretty much choose wherever you want to sit. they sit across the restaurant from us but still in our vision and obviously theirs. i of course ignore them. really don't care how "cute" they are, while my cousin occasionally glances at them a few times. after laughing at some of the ridiculous comments my cousin makes i excuse myself and go to the bathroom. when i come back what do you know, guy 1 is sitting at our table. i walk up and I'm like umm why is this fool eating off my plate ? before i could say a word he politely says :

" I'm sorry about being in your seat but i wanted to talk to your cousin and my friend wanted to talk to you . " did he say my friend ?! grrrr. " The plate switching was both our ideas and I'm sorry if it was too forward . if you're not okay with it i can go back to my table, although i was loving the company of your cousin very much ." woah ! how could i even be mad at him after saying words like that ? and his boy ? yum ! i just smile, because for once some bowdy has left me speechless. i approach the table of his friend and before i could say anything he asks " would you rather sit in the chair or on the booth side ? i wouldn't mind switching with you ." i politely decline and say the chair is fine and start to sit down, of course after him pulling out my chair 1st !

i hear marriage bells ! just kidding peeps.

so we eat together, both liking a lot of the same things like sports, genres of music, movies, actors/actresses, cars, and writers. i find out he is a 20 year old son of a air force veteran and a realtor, he has 1 older brother and 1 younger brother, he works for Sticky Rice Bistro - great restaurant, and drives a really nice 08 black on black infinite. hes single, has no kids, and goes to church. did i mention he wants to go back to school so he can study and become a director .

the time had come to say goodbye and as i reach for my purse he says " its already been taken care of ." now either i just hit the jackpot or this guy is a real well disguised asshole that will be surely getting cussed out and kicked to the curb in the near future after he REALLY shows his ass. but lets not jump to any conclusions yet. : )

he offers us a ride home, but mama didn't raise no fool and we decline. as we walk home i get a text message saying " i hope you don't mind but i considered this our 1st date. cant wait for the next."



Saturday, October 24

Break Room Brawl .

there are people in this world that count calories and a co-worker of mine is one of them . today she was in the break room with all her toppings to make a salad talking about how many calories she would be digesting if she was eating In & Out burger .

-I'm eating In & Out Burger.-

how instead of eating processed cow parts she has grilled chicken.

im eating processed cow parts. - stops chewing, looks at burger -

instead of "secret sauce" she has low fat ranch .

- wipes "secret sauce" from lips -.

does anybody else want to kick her in the throat ?! as i watch her thoroughly enjoying her salad and ruining my lunch, i get up from the table while taking a sip of pink lemonade. i savor the sweet tangy taste on my tongue and dump the rest on my co - workers head. i grab a handful of her "healthy" salad and smash it in her face and begin to explain to her that it does not matter what you eat as long as you burn the calories off. that if she was going to put loads of ranch, practically a whole chicken, more than "bits" of bacon, and realistically a bun worth of croutons she should have just had In & Out like other "great looking" Americans that eat In & Out for lunch.

Gwen you have a call on line one . - " huh ? "

" So by doing it this way, by the time i get off work i have burned these calories off and need to just have a light dinner . "

- takes another bite of burger and throws it in the trash-

I'm suppose to be on a diet . -_-

pennanddpaper .

Thursday, October 22

Perfection . ( a breakdown of oneself )

I'm not perfect . i don't claim to be . and if i had the choice i wouldn't want to be . in fact, if you know me or ever get the chance, you will see that you couldn't even list any of the letters in my name! in that category lol . i feel as though women are honest about what they want to be honest about and that's cool, but me i gotta keep it real "breh" and on this post, I'm letting down my hair . ( figuratively. my hair is short lol )

  • My Hair

used to be "bangin" or really long, and naturally curly . in fact many loved my hair and never failed to mention it or how they wished they possesed the same . cool, thanks. but i got sick and tired of being defined by it. guys " id love to pull on it ." really, was that suppose to make me want you ? girls " omg ! i love your hair . i wish my hair was like that. " why ? be happy with what you have . i think people put to much emphasis on what "good hair" is and it can really become ridiculously time consuming to everyday try looking like everybody else. your hair is naturally curly, why are you spending hours straightening it. your hair is straight, why are you buying loads of hair products and a diffuser to get it curly. now I'm not saying don't switch it up sometime, hey we all need a change, and im definately one ALL for change. I'm saying be happy with what you have and don't put so much emphasis on what you don't. if you have "nappy", long, short, curly, straight, frizzy, whatever kind of hair work it ! its yours and you are beautiful . : )

  • My Head

me being mixed with everything under the sun, 12 nationalities, and one being part Samoan i have a big head. yes, i can admit it. my head is round, wide, and with a point to my chin. ( Kat Deluna facial structure. ) i grew up with people calling me names like big head and water head. even my nephew still cracks jokes about my head to this day, but its all good. i love my big head. its filled with knowledge, great memories, amazing ideas, endless stories, and poetry that comes to life. i have a heart shaped face. the face of love .

  • My Eczema

as i have matured from a little girl to a young woman i have always battled eczema. i have had it on the back of my neck, the inner bend of my elbows, and around my mouth. the outbreaks i would get on the back of my neck and inner bend of my elbows came and went fairly unnoticed but the eczema around my mouth was just awful. when i was younger i didn't know how to care for it properly and me being very young and active, my mom couldn't keep up with me long enough to try to either lol. when i reached 6th grade and on up through middle school i got picked on and teased. i would cry about it and ask god to please just take it away. it was hard to deal with and it caused me alot of pain and discomfort both physically and emotionally. it also left me with alot of self esteem issues about my appearance. leaving dark discoloration on the top of my lip and the two corners. now at 18 it is has cleared up substantially but i still live in fear of it coming back so i make sure to apply cortizone cream 2 to 3 times a day.

  • My Body

I'm not one of those skinny, salad chomping chicks that fit in size 3 jeans and small shirts. not knocking salads because i love em ! or "petite" woman. please dont try making this about you because i am in no way attacking you guys . ♥ . i eat. i love to eat ! and i don't appreciate men that can call me fat or any other woman fat because we're not model size. i have curves. i have hips. i have breasts. and i have booty. 36-28-36 thank you. and anybody that is in the "thick" or "curvy" category should know its not exactly easy to keep the shape, especially if you want it to look good. a few too many good meals and no exercise or activity will have you floating between "thick" and a question mark .

i grew up not understanding that i was womanly before my time and hating my body because it developed quicker than the other girls my age. i hate hearing younger girls that are battling eating disorders and personal image issues because of what their friends look like or what society is pushing as "normal ." sweetheart its NOT normal to kill yourself to become a size that your not meant to be let alone will ever achieve because its not in your genetic makeup. learn to love and be happy with yourself. there is always gong to be somebody smaller and bigger than you.

  • My Toes

i like to think i have nice feet. not gorgeous or foot model kina feet but presentable pretty feet with cute toes. BUT i do have one *perfection. my big toes. there not exactly small and there not exactly in proportion to my other toes but i still wear sandals, my peep toe stilettos, and always running around barefoot because my imperfections are what i love so much about myself. i mean what is a bigger big toe compared to a beautiful personality? its not ginormous ! lol so don't think that but it is a *perfection.

              • My Teeth

              ever since i was younger my teeth have always been short and small. my family have been quoted saying " for the longest we never thought your teeth was going to grow. they just looked like somebody sawed them off " lol geez tell me how you really feel guys ! i don't have any chipped teeth or missing teeth but i do have a few small spaces between my teeth and they are still "little" but i still smile big, laugh loud, and carry on conversations like its nobodys business . : D

              • My Lips

              aren't tiny or small. they are full and proportioned with 3 or 4 beauty marks on them. i dont have lips for pecks. i have lips for kisses. deep, passionate, hold my face type of kisses. people have and probably do laugh and talk about them but I'm one of many who don't need collagen injections. so who laughs now ? : )

              so yea, here are some of my *perfections . we are all human, no one of us alike and it was about time somebody stepped up and told the truth . so evaluate yourself and pick out the things that just need a little more love than others. ♥

              pennanddpaperr .