Thursday, February 25

Them Pregnancy Pains Is No Joke !

walking down the aisle looking for a ProMax protein bar and sipping on my Fiji water, there she was. on the floor, sprawled out, tears gushing from her red eyes, and toddler teeth exposed from her wide drooling mouth, screaming and crying.

*stops abruptly, stutter stepping looking around from shock*

right in the middle of aisle 7 organics at Raley's just there on the floor showing out while her mother, Caucasian, *no offense jstar, you know you my girl !* obviously hasn't gave this fuckery a second thought, bending over further investigating the nutritional content of some couscous.

"Elaina get up honey. If you don't get up we wont go to Toys r' us."

*looks from the little girl to the mother like 'are you serious?!' *you know that look where you have to jerk your head back ANNND look to the side because its just THAT schocking*

little child from the corn is ignoring the hell out of *Becky* and steady shouting and screaming. just rolling all over the place and after trying to blink this awful reality away i realize right in the front of my ProMax protein bars. great. -_-

*clears throat*

*Becky* looks up and smiles. soOoOo i see your not embarrassed your kid is over here looking like shes practicing the fire drill, alriiight.

"Elaina get up. the nice lady wants to get over there."

does the spawn of Satan stop? she looks from her mom to me and had the nerve to roll her puffy blue eyes! and continue on with her shenanigans.

*Shanaynay "oh my goooodness?!"*

"Oh ! shes so impossible sometime" *Becky* smiles and reaches across and passes me the bar i wanted. i say 'thank you' and immediately turn around and get the hell up outta there.

i love kids and i want kids but I WILL take my kids up outta this world ! if they pulled some shit like that in the store ! i ain't going to be beating my children but there is nothing nobody will be able to tell me if my child is acting out of line and they need to be popped back into place. not to mention all them hours ima be in a room with people i don't know all down, in between, and up in my business telling me to push a watermelon out of something lemon size.

so sure we can do the *Becky* - talk first, but please believe if he or she try playing me like they been living on this earth longer than me, them momma pains ain't going to be a joke !


Friday, February 19

The Sarcastic Truth .

I'm starting to think that as a woman, its true when they say we don't want the men that will treat us right but rather the ones that will do us wrong. Does this make us stupid? Nahhh, I think we just have a short in our mind to heart line... lol.

Take for instance my friend Rochelle. *name has been changed to protect the innocent* She was in a very healthy and inspiring relationship with the sweetest guy *Tony*. They had plans to move in together, got a dog lol, had great chemistry, and was madly in love. I mean the 'awws' and 'I want one!' in full force. In the midst of the bliss I get a normal phone call saying 'let's do lunch'. Food and my bud?! I'm there ! As I'm enjoying my beautifully cooked salmon I'm hit with 'so I broke up with *Tony*. he's just too clingy and sweet. we're too different and i can't take it' and that was that.

*looks up from salmon with fork in one hand and perplexed look on face*

In my mind, I'm thinking 'are you crazy ! the guy is crazy about you ! genuinely head over heels about you and all your flaws ! your bananas !'

*in a more mild tone*

'He's too good of a guy to let go. You two could really have something. As a woman we just want to be treated right and loved unconditionally. Why won't you allow yourself to be happy?'

'I already told you'

*looks like, that's it?*

'Well if you're sure...'

*on to the fine brotha sitting across from us, yumm!*

Later on she told me that *Michael* was still the love of her life and she would never be able to love *Tony* like *Michael* -that's fair- and *Tony* was nothing like *Michael* -duh he's *Tony*- she just felt there was something worth pursuing with *Michael* and she would hate to miss out on it for *Tony* - *Michael* *Tony*, *Michael* *Tony* : AND THE WINNER should have been *Tonyyyyyy!* (*Michael* ended up NOT wanting her, talking bad about her, and claiming he never loved her. Ouch!) She later went back to *Tony* who gladly took her back because of His devotion and love for her and she left him AGAIN to try pursuing that 'love worth fighting for' with *Michael*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I was trying to be supportive of her decision at the time but I just couldn't wrap my mind around how wrong she was for letting such a good thing go, Until ...

He's sweet, supportive, understanding, romantic. everything great BUT I don't want him.

*crowd yells HYPOCRITE !*

Psh, I know! And the bad part about it is I can pinpoint exactly why I don't want him. I would and will run over him if we were to ever become more than friends. There I said it.

It wouldn't be intentional. On some Steve Wilkos type my girlfriend abuses me hype but in a I will do and say what I want because I know he wouldn't do anything in his own defense hype. In fact, it probably would just automatically happen because I'd get bored. Then get frustrated because I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him how I truly felt, then get straight up irritated for biting my tongue when I'm not one to do that (damn Satya - those that follow my other blog know what I'm talking about) and finally mad for having to live a lie to someone so wonderful.


I guess I'll stay a hypocritical single lady till I find a decent guy that pisses me off half the time, is good to me the other half, and I love unconditionally all the time because i mean really, that's what we as women do.



Tuesday, February 16

Do The Right Thing .

I know it was wrong. It was selfish, a complete act of irresponsibility and lack of self control. It went against everything I stood for.

*leans back in La-Z-Boy and rubs temples*

I could lie and say I don't know how it happened but the regret and shame I feel wouldn't go away. In fact it hasn't left since I quit moaning, told him to stop, and he slipped out of me.


At first I blamed him. He was the one that wanted to take me out and 'hang'. But in my mind I knew I was just horny and had long ago decided if the time ever arose I would sex him down, forget it ever happened, and ignore he had a girl. See I'm not as great as you guys thought.

*looks up at the ceiling*

Then I realized it was me. As strong minded and respectable as I had always prided myself on being I had in fifteen minutes became the girl that ruins beautiful relationships and scars a lover. The girl you shake your damn head at because she's a home wrecking little slut ! Ouch ! :(

He told me he would tell her. In his own way, at the right time. What time is right to have your heart broke? And since the 'incident' I have asked him constantly and consistently avoided him at the same time. I even went as far to write her on facebook and sincerely apologize and give her the heads up since NOBODY DID IT FOR ME !

"You fucking bitch! How dare you write me telling lies on my man! He didn't want you! He just couldn't get to me! That will be the last time you get the chance to be with him you ugly bitch! Now go die!"

*slams laptop down after re-reading the message and crosses arms across chest. purses lips*

Regardless of me being guilt ridden and honestly sorry there are just a few problems with her little 'I'm hard because I used exclamation points' message.

Telling lies on my man!
-sweetie he told you the same thing!... or did he?

He didn't want you! He just couldn't get to me!
-he couldn't reach you once in yal whole 9 month relationship? Because he was damn sure reaching out and trying to touch me the whole time. *fail! Until this incident*

That will be the last time you get the chance to be with him you ugly bitch!
-last chance? who are you Ginuwine? he most definitely won't be with me but who's to say he won't be with someone else. and who ugly ? c'mon son !

*looks at BB red light blinking. text message: when we going to kick it again?*
*blank stare* need i say more ?


Monday, February 15

Take The Journey With Me .

hope to see you guys there along with me !


Friday, February 12

I'm Aware I'm Not Ugly . *no cockiness intended*

When did what I look like matter so much it became the reason why nothing bad should ever occur in my life?

Being pretty doesn't stop a man from cheating. Being pretty doesn't get you good grades. Being pretty doesn't console your heart after a breakup. Being pretty doesn't make people take you serious. Being pretty does not exempt you from the lack of well thought out waste of words that spill from useless life forms.

Guys. I praise the ones that have genuine interest and purpose -pause-

I am very aware you good ones do exist. You are the beautiful creatures I write uplifting posts about. But I wish you would quit hiding under rocks in caves in New Zealand !

-play- But I could super kick through a wall! the ones that feel as though by complimenting me on my looks you are scoring major points.


If I was the type to eat that superficial shit up, you would only be gassing my head. Not getting any closer to me. You would further be proving why I didn't need what's his name and why I don't need you. Goodbye!

Really, would it kill you to turn off your automatic asshole switch and try for once looking past the exterior and saying something meaningful?

How are you ?
How has your day been ?
Care to talk about what's bothering you ?
Age , location , ARE YOU IN SCHOOL ?

But NoOoOoOo ! you get :

"Your too pretty to put up with ____''
"As pretty as you are, ______''
"Nobody as beautiful as you, _____"

Blah blah blah STFU !

I'm not looking for a b o y to validate me. I'm waiting for a man that can see past what any common person sees and care enough to get to know ME. A beautiful mind.


Thursday, February 11

I Tell It Like It Is . I'm No Exception .

I challenged all my blogging buds to make a list of reasons why a guy or girl would NOT want to date you . Here is my list . LATE lol and uncut .

1. I don't babysit or pacifier a guy just to feed his ego or his insecurities . If you can't handle the free time you might have on your hands because I have a job and go to school you need to get more serious about your own future . When we're together I make it a point to make my feelings clear .

3. I'm not good at saying how I feel . ...thanks Shay... So if asked , " What's wrong ? " Nine times out of ten , I'll reply with " Nothing " . BUT expect for you to either figure it out on your own or badger me enough until I finally give in and tell you .

2. I'm too blunt . I say what I mean and mean what I say . Depending on the guy this can cause heated discussions, straight up arguments , or bruised egos .

3. 'I'm quite the lurker' ..thanks Stephy.. I might not do it outright but I pay close attention to the things he might do and say . I pay attention to body language as well . I don't consider it making him pay for the lasts mistakes , just being quietly cautious .

4. I get bored rather quickly . I've looked up my sign enough to confidently be able to blame it . I need more than a physical attraction . I need a conversationalist . Stimulation of mind . I can't do the beautiful airheads that aren't allowed to talk but just smile .

5. In a argument I can be quite brutal . My words can be my sharpest knife . My mind doesn't always catch up with my words fast enough and it proves to be problematic . Although they say the truth comes out when angered ... Hm.

6. When I mess up I feel as though I should be forgiven right away . While on the other hand I'll go through Q&A , silent treatment , and prolonged anger . I know its unfair but i can admit it.

6. I don't take initiative . ...thanks Shay... Meaning : If you not texting/calling me, I probably wont text/call you . Not because I dont like you but because I dont want to seem clingy .

7. I'm too independent ? I prefer to pay for everything I want and need and for who I'm with to understand my reasoning for this . If I buy it or pay for it nobody can take it away from me or in a heated argument can throw it in my face . "well you wasn't saying this when I did ___" "that's how you feel after I bought you ____". but at the same time I like to be spoiled . id rather he just not tell me about it and do it .

See, im not too bad . *smiles to herself*


Tuesday, February 9

Empire State Of Mind .

New York.
A fascination I have grown with. Have you ever had the feeling of not belonging? Like you weren't meant to live where you're at? For example, you're a city girl at heart, you enjoy every moment you get to venture into the center of all the action and excitement. Yet, you're trapped within the confines of your country-ass hometown.Yes, this is how I feel.And I mean I've felt this way since like uh... forever.

New York, I believe I was meant to be there. Live there. Breathe there. I don't know, I suppose Vacaville, just isn't my calling. The city is growing, but it can never compare to the legend of NYC.

Its a passion that I intend to explore further.


Is This What Our Ancestors Was Fighting For ?

I'm sick of being praised for my light skin. The obvious lack of pigmentation that somehow makes me automatically cuter, better, and more socially acceptable. Being embraced for being a mixed race when I could really care less. No thoughts on my face being wide and round or my nose looking spread. They see the shine that the sun illuminates and equate it to beauty.

So many genuine yet ignorant compliments that makes a smile appear and a 'thank you' escape while someone darker than I am, more beautiful, barely gets a second look. I think although the African American race is the most beautiful race to be, its important meaning is lost within "society's acceptance." We are more than shades. We are a history. We are a struggle to be accepted by those that in a time didn't care how dark or light we were but classified us all the same.

We walk around with chips on our shoulders for the past life most of us never lived. knowing nothing of the history, only the images and mad , why?

slavery kept us more united than WE can with freedom.


Monday, February 8

Because Amy & Shay Did It =]

A - AVAILABLE: Single and Satisfied Baby :)
B - BIRTHDAY: May 26, 91
C - CRUSHING ON: a beautifully created cardigan that must be the next item i hang in my walk in closet ...
D - DRIVING: I wish . By the summertime . I promise !
E - EMOTIONAL: Simba shouldve gotten a Oscar for The Lion King !
F - FAVORITE SONG : The Sweetest Thing - Lauryn Hill
G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Worms . the bears hardly give me enough gummy goodness . xD
H - HOMETOWN: East Oakland . Bay Areeeaaaa !
I - IN LOVE WITH: my blackberry . if i didnt have it alot of my posts would be non existent .
J - JUGGLE: I just go to school now , so I guess I'm not juggling nothing .
K - KILLED SOMEONE: ..... would i really admit something like this ? online ?
L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: L.A. five hours .
N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: twenty four . swear !
O - ONE WISH: For ALL my dreams to come true .
R - REASON TO SMILE: because frowning is wack !
S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Sentimental - Deborah Cox
T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 11:30 am
U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: Red & Light Pink Stripes , Happy Valentines Day ! =]
W - WORST HABIT: iProcrastinate =\
X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: i never counted ...?
Y - YARD WORK: Never done any


You And Your Paper .

*We interrupt your normal program to bring you:*
okay so for the last few posts i have been really opening up . might not seem like it but i have . hope you guys don't think I'm some super loser with a lot of issues lol because I'm not . i do have a fun life ... its just not my fast paced New York City daydreams lol . i think i fixed myself though . i am taking more initiative to get out there and really do things . maybe try not being so hard on myself and people . heaven knows that last post was NOT who i really am . psh ! *Now back to your normally scheduled program!*

if you have been following me long enough you should remember not to long ago i wrote about a guy i dated: bad sex game, broke, liar, remember him? well since him i have yet to date another guy . at first i was just mad . mad at him , myself , the whole male species . OFF WITH THEIR HEADS ! and since going through that little phase i have since said screw the dating life . swore it off for a couple years and have plans to keep it that way . of coursssseee the plan will one day be thrown off when i find that special person that comes along and throws a wrench in all of that and when the time comes , i would like to be the best girlfriend i can be . not saying i wasn't a good girlfriend back in the day when i was dating but there is always room for improvement .

i have no problem telling it like it is when it comes to men or women as you have all read lol and what i am about to write is no different .

I and many other women need to quit feeling Entitled . that's right . when we are out with our girlfriends at lunch or shopping and we are talking about our recent dating experience with whats his name we either brag about how wonderful the experience was or we pick him apart . you have to love your girls for building up your confidence but you cant always let their words rule your world .

having said that...

I CHALLENGE YOU !! .... to write down all the reasons a guy would not want to date you . don't bullshit your answers either or you might as well not do it . be honest . what you think of as quirky, endearing, and cute, is really annoying to someone else . if he would love you so much that he would overlook that, you need to overlook things in him . Everybody has to compromise .

*fellas feel free to try this too ! ill get back to you guys with my list .


Saturday, February 6

1 Peter 5:6

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you..

As much as I love to blog , I only do it because I don't have a life . Because I don't have any friends . Because I don't have the excitement or lifestyle I can only dream of and crave night and day for... This isn't depression or a cry out for help . This is me being real and telling it JUST like it is .

You ride solo because in this world you are proven by unworthy people that you cannot trust , you cannot believe, you cannot share too much . It becomes your motto , the words in which you live by and before you know it you're alone . Living the true definition of independent ...

I once was popular . I was 'her'. I lived the life that put me on a pedastal and introduced me to a lifestyle that most praised me and hated me for at the same time . I was your friend, someone that you said hi to just to say you've associated with, or you hated me . I was happy . Content for the most part . Felt no need to change any of this but inside I was slowly being swallowed up by a image that I was uncertain I wanted to live by any longer .

So I did what I had to . Exposed the fake around me and quit letting peoples expectations rule me . I was now on MY path and I was prepared to hand pick my friends so you wouldn't catch me around bad company disrupting my good moral's unless it was by choice . Deep down I was more than this person so many people thought . I had passion , purpose , a voice that needed to be heard . I didn't need a crowd to tell me who I was or recognize me . I was prepared to be who I was and stand with who had proven themselves loyal .

They say your lucky if you find atleast one good friend . That will be there through it all . And while I sometimes tire of the companionship of books , exhausting workouts , time consuming all night study sessions , and everyday routine of the workplace i know educating myself , depending on myself , and being able to really trust someone , even if its only one is a blessing . Stands taller and stronger than hitting the clubs every night , gossiping and backstabbing , and degrading myself for a little worthless male attention .

When I long to be any place but here , to have more than what and who I have , I have to humble myself . I am at a young age and can see the bigger picture already . So many just sit idle and expect the world to give them something they feel they're entitled to and I was once ignorant of this . But sometimes growing up isn't enough . You have to be an adult .

So thank you Lord for giving me what in the begining of my rant seemed like nothing . For without you guiding my way I would know the true meaning of that word .


Wednesday, February 3

A.D 2000 Till When ...

We litter, we don't eat right, we curse at each other, we think negative of each other, we wish bad things on one another, we envy each other, and we hate our own blood. Plus we don't refer or even look at the person no matter the skin color as a Brother or Sister. Last time I checked we were all Human's and reflections of the Most High. That's why you are seeing Tornadoes in California, Earthquakes in Haiti, Tsunami's, and Fire Destroy Numerous Places. They dump oil in the ocean, and kill our own ecosystem, our own wildlife... while our plants, animals, and people are dying nationwide from pollution. why aren't we doing anything to stop it??? Mother Nature will have a field day unless we make the decision to finally wake up and do something about it ..Sigh.. I can hear the pain, concern, and hope in my sistah Erykah Badu's voice echoing in my head from AD 2000 off of her Mama's Gun Album asking us..."will we ever make it"...


Monday, February 1

If I Had The Chance ...

I would tell her that she made a mistake. Not because she left me to the beautiful woman that raised me since day one but for choosing a substance over someone so substantial. I would tell her I used to cry while I tried to answer the questions I would never get the chance to hear answered. I'm older than five yet younger than ten already aware life lessons can be hard and unfair. I would tell her she didn't just leave me. She left us Three girls and two boys who deal with it all differently but still deal. I would tell her about the rape, the physical abuse, and heartbreaks that burned me to ashes to blow away and be lost for days . I would tell her in the midst of therapy treated depression the sun shined bright and self destruction dispersed. No longer just darkness, stars appeared. I would tell her I didn't hate her all the time but at one time she became my motivation. Scared of being another irresponsible , selfish , cowardly , shell of what a woman should be I thirsted for purpose. I would tell her of my achievements, my goals, and succession in not being a statistic. I would tell her of my prayers that the drugs hadn't numbed her heart away...

While I WOULD tell her so much ...

I wouldn't tell her how I love her without ever knowing her because somewhere inside a little girl still believes in mommy. I wouldn't tell her as I typed these words I cried because dealing with this issue and living with this issue is two very different things. I wouldn't tell her I always look into the mirror and ponder do i look like her? because I just want to know if we share anything besides p a i n. I wouldn't let her know that although disappearing I don't share in her regret of the decision. I would do many things but more than wouldn't I would say I forgive you.