Monday, February 1

If I Had The Chance ...

I would tell her that she made a mistake. Not because she left me to the beautiful woman that raised me since day one but for choosing a substance over someone so substantial. I would tell her I used to cry while I tried to answer the questions I would never get the chance to hear answered. I'm older than five yet younger than ten already aware life lessons can be hard and unfair. I would tell her she didn't just leave me. She left us Three girls and two boys who deal with it all differently but still deal. I would tell her about the rape, the physical abuse, and heartbreaks that burned me to ashes to blow away and be lost for days . I would tell her in the midst of therapy treated depression the sun shined bright and self destruction dispersed. No longer just darkness, stars appeared. I would tell her I didn't hate her all the time but at one time she became my motivation. Scared of being another irresponsible , selfish , cowardly , shell of what a woman should be I thirsted for purpose. I would tell her of my achievements, my goals, and succession in not being a statistic. I would tell her of my prayers that the drugs hadn't numbed her heart away...


While I WOULD tell her so much ...



I wouldn't tell her how I love her without ever knowing her because somewhere inside a little girl still believes in mommy. I wouldn't tell her as I typed these words I cried because dealing with this issue and living with this issue is two very different things. I wouldn't tell her I always look into the mirror and ponder do i look like her? because I just want to know if we share anything besides p a i n. I wouldn't let her know that although disappearing I don't share in her regret of the decision. I would do many things but more than wouldn't I would say I forgive you.

pennanddpaperr.

4 comments:

Traci Lavette said...

I'm so sorry, baby girl that you had to live this. But at the same time, it appears to have made you stronger. I admire you so much. The pain you endured should have never happened to you, but you handle it with grace. I know that I wasn't there through the therapy and all, post-all the bullshit, and am seeing this from the outside-looking-in, but you emerged. You emerged a butterfly. You are an inspiration and so far beyond your years. If you ever need me, you know where to find me. I mean that...sincerely.

XOXO,

JStar said...

GIRL...I FEEL your pain here...I have been here...So much expressed in these few words...I hope they helped ease the pain...If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me!

zodiac said...

wow..im sraight up speechless babe. this is why i tell my story, so maybe someone can be stronger. by posting this your telling me that its fine to be hurting the way i do, but from the ashes the pheonix will rise, you inspire me to be strong, thank you and im proud that you decided to be better

Shay said...

When they say you never know a person's story until they tell it , they wasnt lying . I cant say I identify with you , but I feel for you . & Although we only know each other through Blogger , this touched me as if my best friend was telling me this was her story . But like everybody said , you're strong and that's truly something I admire about you .

Keep your head up girl :)